Advice on adoption and anything you think I need to hear

[allthegoodonesaretakenalready]

Husband (nearly 40) and I (nearly 29) are in the beginning stages of considering adoption. We are recently married after a nearly 6 year relationship and 5 years of living together. Husband has two children from a past relationship (F13 and M10). They come for dinner after school twice a week and are with us every Saturday. Youngest stays the night most Fridays but oldest doesn't - they are given the choice to stay.

House is in my sole name with no mortgage (inheritance). We both have stable jobs and an income of around £60k between us. We would be looking at 0-3 to leave a decent gap between youngest stepchild and adopted child. We feel this is best.

There's a few things I'm curious about:

1. We have a 3 bedroom house but one bedroom is a large loft conversion. Given that my stepdaughter stays with us a maximum of 6 nights a year, we are considering converting this room into three with a partition wall and another section as our office. This would leave 3 small rooms that are large enough for a single bed, desk and drawers. Would this be considered enough space given that the rooms would be used a maximum of 1 night a week and there would rarely be two of them up there?

1. We have 3 cats that are all indoor. Would this be considered too many or present another option? Two of them mostly keep themselves to themselves around the kids and one likes to socialise with them. She particularly likes the youngest and they often cuddle up together. She can easily be picked up and whilst she may verbally protest sometimes, she doesn't use claws or teeth with the kids.

1. Would my husband's age and health be an issue? As mentioned, he's nearly 40. He works out a few times a week but his BMI says he's obese. He is healthy and 6ft3 but I'm concerned someone would look at the numbers and not the size/build of him! He certainly doesn't look obese and feel it in himself.

1. Would our 11 year age gap be off-putting?

1. We live in a house with no front garden. The door opens onto a pavement. Would that be an issue?

1. There are steep steps in the back garden. There's a court yard and a section at the top of the steps that could easily be made secure and if course, a child would not be out there on their own when young. Is that an issue if made secure?

1. My husband's ex has a frosty relationship with him. What involvement will she need to have? I expect they will need something from her and am concerned she would try to sabotage things.

1. Both stepchildren have ASD. Older one is likely level 2 and has various interventions but is in mainstream school. She struggled with most things like leaving the house, everyday tasks etc. likely PDA profile. She can be hard to manage. Younger one is likely level 1 and has support in school but is generally okay and easy to manage.

1. I have a diagnosis of ASD/OCD and my husband has one of ADHD. All diagnosed during lockdown when our mental health hit rock bottom. We are both doing well now and unmedicated with no regular therapy as we don't feel well need it. Would these diagnoses be an issue?

10. I have thought long and hard about whether I want to TTC for years. I have endometriosis and vaginismus, so even TTC would be a whole ordeal in itself. I think I have finally reached the decision that I do not want to do this. To me, I want to be a mother. I want to care for a child but I don't have a preference for that to be a biological one. With the way things are, I just feel that it would be better to pour my time/energy/love/money into a child that is already in the world rather than fighting hard to bring another one in. I'm not sure if a social worker or case worker would agree with my opinion or force me to seek counselling sterling this decision?

Any thoughts from anyone in the know on any of the above would be welcomed :)

Hi OP. I’ve tried to answer your questions in order as it was easier.

My experience was different in that we tried fertility treatment that didn’t work, spent a long while grieving and talking about adoption before finally going for it so I can’t answer specifically but our process started last year so hopefully the process info is correct for you!

1. Would you be making your house into a 4 bed by converting the attic? Could all children have a room each? From an adoption perspective the focus is on the child having their own space but I’d also be concerned about the SC feeling relegated in favour of a new child.
2. All pets will be assessed. I can’t imagine the amount would be an issue but their temperament needs to be checked - a cat who is vocally protesting is not happy with what’s happening and an AC may well have additional issues that mean they struggle to understand this. The concern isn’t always for the safety of the child, it can also be for the safety of the pet.
3. You’ll both need to have a medical. Being in the obese category isn’t necessarily an issue if he’s otherwise healthy and the GP can add a statement that the BMI is not a concern (a friend had to have this as a 6’4 triathlete).
4. Your relationship will be assessed. Age difference isn’t an issue as long as your relationship is stable, equitable and happy.
5. How hard is it to open your front door? Not having a garden isn’t a massive concern as long as a child wouldn’t be able to open the door themselves.
6. Your house will be assessed and recommendations will be made - probably to make this area child safe. No house is perfect but it’s about your ability to assess what’s needed and make those changes.
7. I think it’s standard that any substantial previous relationships are looked at and exes are contacted, especially if one of you shares children with an ex - after all, what better insight into someone’s ability to parent would you have than talking to the person you parent with? Why would she sabotage? Obviously this is a risk and is one social workers are aware of but they will contact her and ask question.
8. The impact of your SCs needs on the AC will have to be considered and I think it’s fair for them to question how your family will cope if AC also requires some additional support. For example, if SD is PDA and AC is very compliant - that’s a hard dynamic to manage in a way that everyone feels supported and loved. It isn’t necessarily a barrier but is something they’ll expect you to have put a lot of thought in to.
9. These will come up in the medical and the important question is going to be how you’ll manage if they flare up during times of stress. Would you go to a dr? Accept medication? Therapy? How will you minimise the impact of these things on AC? Will they affect your ability to parent?
10. They can’t force you to have counselling however, they will explore how you reached that decision, how long ago and how you’re both handling it. Does your DH feel the same about not needing a biological connection, especially considering he has biological children?

I think you need to go into the process aware that it is designed to question what you think, how you feel and all the reasons behind the decisions you’ve made. Very few things are insurmountable however, you have more moving parts to consider than a lot of people (the SC in particular) so you need to also consider that as you really get into it you may decide that this isn’t for you.

Hey

1. They would want the child to be on the same floor as you.

1. They would want to know the child comes before your cats, and if push came to shove they would be rehomesif deemed necessary.

1. Everyone's health is an issue and will be explored via medicals.

1. Your husband's ex will be contacted door a ref. As will any other significant partners.

Just my experience and things I've learnt along the way from other adopters. Good luck.