Birth parent help!!!!

[Brendalovesc]

So I’ll keep the details light but we adopted our little one some months ago.

we knew birth mum had links to area but we where told living away and unlikely come back or act on those links.

fast forward, we had a chance encounter with birth mum coming out of child care provision. Not much happened, our little one is baby so doesn’t recognise, we got straight in the car and left.

spoke to social worker and was told it was likely as much a shock for birth mum as us.

tonight coming out of childcare, birth mum sat a few yards down the road on the curb smoking a vape. Eyes locked on the car, we were in a different car to last time so 100 per cent saw us loading into car. Birth mum also knew the previous car so may have recognised it as we had done a contact withdrawal plan as part of transitions and due to distance it wasn’t appropriate for contact centre to do pick up and drop offs.

has any one had similar, little one is very settled in childcare so reluctant to switch them out but we are clearly been watched and I’m dreading being approached.

should we be pushing social services to intervene or does this signal to birth mum she has indeed located us.

My minds racing, do we move child care but risk been located again through to the extremes of selling up and moving miles away so that our paths never cross.

How worrying.

A few things to consider (you don't need to specify here though)

. Is BM a risk, and in what way
. Is there just 1 accessible shopping centre, sports area, primary school or do you have a range of choices
. How dense is the housing

We avoid one area 5 miles away for years but it didn't impact us day to day. I wouldn't have wanted to spend my whole life looking over my shoulder and avoiding most local places. We did however have to be careful re photos in local papers.

I think I would move nursery, and then ponder whether a move 5-10 miles might resolve things sufficiently.

I would get in touch with social services, so this gets logged. It is clearly a failure on their part to place little one so close to birth mum. You might want to consider a complaint. In case things escalate and you have to move, you will have given them the chance to support and advise you.

As to the handling of the situation, I think @UnderTheNameOfSanders has given good advice.

That is really worrying.have you made sure everyone at the childcare place is aware of the situation and knows to only let you do pick up?I'd also not be happy at social services and I would think that since adoption order presumably hasn't gone through you should ask for financial support if you need to move house?.i would move childcare setting quickly and be replacing the car.maybe completely change outfits etc as first thing?so hard for you and such a worry.i hope your social worker is being supportive.

Birth parents are rarely a risk to adoptive families and if there are concerns about risk children are generally placed out of area. In saying that, you obviously don’t want birth mum looking over your shoulder.

First thing, can you change your routine re childcare eg keep her home for a couple of weeks, change her session times. If you’re still on adoption leave id be very flexible in your use of childcare. That might be enough to throw birth mum in terms of sitting waiting for you. Talk to the childcare setting and reinforce rules around who can/can’t collect your child, institute a password for anyone other than you. Remind them that no one outside of staff should be interacting with your child.

You could also park away from the setting and walk rather than her seeing you parking up.

Speak to social work - a proper sit down conversation about your concerns, what are her links to the community, who is she connected to (eg a sister using the childcare facility), what do they know about any risk she might pose. It would need to be pretty serious for social work to support you moving away.

Also, have a plan for what you might say or do if she does approach you. You don’t need to speak to her or let her see your little one but have a form of words ready to move you on your way. It can be as simple as “I can’t speak just now” and move on. If she does approach you or you start seeing her around (eg obviously following you) log that with both social work and police.

Thank you all for the advice, we have put a call into social services and waiting for them to come back.

childcare are aware and we have shown them pictures, it’s a childminder so that makes it a little easier.

it is worrying as the second time was clearly not coincidental and she was clearly out to catch a peak.

It must be very hard for her, letter box said she was happy they where with us and had come to terms with it and knows it was for the best. Seeing us as clearly derailed that and she most likely needs some support herself.

Why was she at the childminders the first time?

This makes me so cross for you. Its why birth "parents" should never know what the child's parents look like. Also children should live a long way away.

I know we could walk past them without them noticing us. We also refused to send photos and I suggest you do the same.

I would also say that for me the only option would be a house move a good distance away.

We met our DC's birth mum. I think it was settling for all concerned that we did so.

We also send photos regularly, but always from neutral places or when on holiday, nothing that ties us to the area we live in.

So think 'never' is wrong. It is very much situation dependent.

Totally agree with @UnderTheNameOfSanders it is right for some people to meet .

We have ongoing contact and bm is not a risk in our case.

We also send photos to bd and gp again in neutral places so not identifiable , we feel it’s important that our lo knows we respected their roots, when they are older.

@Brendalovesc I hope your situation is improving and ss are being supportive I can understand your worry!

What did you do in the end?

Our little boy was Foster to Adopt so I took him tonhis family time sessions every week. I knew she posed no risk but I did make some changes to my appearance so I would be less noticeable in the future. I normally wear really bright clothes so I wore grey and black clothes bulked up with layers so looked bigger than I am, dyed hair darker and wore my glasses while I was there. I normally just have them for reading. I've seen her a few times over the years and although I've not purposely tried to see if she recognised me, I havent noted her looking.