Pulling out

[Oshaghennesey]

I was linked with a little one in March and got the go ahead from their social worker on 28th march.

Since then the foster carers have put up one obstacle after another. I really feel like I can't handle anymore and this match isn't for me. Has anyone pulled out of a match before matching panel and not been ostracized by their agency/LA?

Before pulling out I’d have a very strong conversation with your social worker asking them why placement has been delayed. The foster carers have no power to continuously delay things and the local authority are paying more the longer the foster placement continues. It sounds like it’s not the child so much as the foster carers putting you off, so I’d tackle that first.

What is your social worker and the child’s social worker/family finder saying about this? Can you get a meeting to try to put some firm plans in place before you make the decision to pull out? It’s not the foster carers role to make things difficult.
If the delay isn’t your doing then I should imagine it’s not unreasonable to ask to look for an alternative match, although I don’t have personal experience of doing this.
I hope things work out for you.

@Jellycatspyjamas No its not the child at all. I've continuously been told things will happen by a certain date and then low and behold it won't happen. The child's social worker is constantly on annual leave or busy with meetings. I never really hear from her.

@Formby I dont hear from the child's social worker, she seems very reluctant to upset them. My social worker also doesn't seem too fussed about the constant delays. We were supposed to have a diary update of little ones life, which never happened as the fc said they were v busy, they cancelled the initial meeting 3 times at the last minute, which id booked mornings off work for, they've ummed and ahhhed about a chemistry meet and come up with every excuse in the book, they've cancelled the child's medical review saying they were unwell, which pushed back the matching panel, and they've now said they are away in Wales for 3 weeks after panel, so introductions can't be made until after that. Bearing in mind id already put in for adoption leave with work because I wasn't aware of this.

That sounds incredibly frustrating I’m sorry you’re going through it! What a roller coaster!

I think you should put in writing maybe to both SW’s& FF to say you cannot keep waiting at the whim of the fc’s , that you understand an element of flexibility is needed and that the Fc may be finding it tricky but you can’t wait indefinitely, they need to either sort it out or enable you to move on.

this is my opinion I don’t have the same expertise as @Jellycatspyjamas and others but it’s what I’d do to make sure all the key players understand your position.

also to answer your query I know a couple who pulled out for similar reasons and they had to wait quite a while & access counselling to process their emotions over this & were grilled at matching panel after this but did go on to adopt again. Altho they had started intros so was different.

good luck whatever you decide!

Am I right in thinking your update says you have a date for matching panel now?
The panel (where I am) make a recommendation regarding the match but this then has to go to the ADM who has to agree/disagree with the panel’s decision. This can take an additional 10 days. If the fc holiday falls within this time then maybe the wait after this won’t be too long, although definitely frustrating for you.

I feel for you Ohshaghenessy our first placement was nearly ruined by the foster carers they put every obstacle in the way to stop the placement. They even put our religion as a negative me Jewish DH atheist fortunately SW was on our side so hang on in there and good luck! Your SW should support you

@Seahorsesplendour thats exactly what I would do too - it’s ridiculous that foster carers are delaying placement for such a long time. Social workers, yours and the child’s and the foster carers need to get a grip of this. I’d be telling them that in no uncertain terms.

I'm not sure tbh, that hasn't been mentioned to me, but most stuff hasn't been.

In a meeting with childs sw and on a separate visit I was told little one would be with me the week after matching panel. So I've no idea if that was far fetched.

@Jellycatspyjamas I know the sw knows they are a nightmare, shes said before they can be extremely "difficult" but then doesn't seem to want to challenge them.

Why are they being given so much power?

I dont know whether I'm coming or going. Its really turned the whole thing sour for me, I'm even dreading the introductions and having to deal with fc.

They’re being given so much power because foster carers are an increasingly scarce resource and social work need to hold on to them as far as possible, because no one’s coming to replace them if they decide they don’t want to foster any more. That means some social workers try to keep them on board by working with them even when it delays permanent placement. It’s not your social worker who needs to deal with them, your own social worker has little influence - it’s the foster carers social worker who needs to move them along and sometimes they’re not great at doing so.

I has nightmare foster carers, honestly I made several formal complaints about them but as hard as it is, it’s a short period of time actually dealing with them. While ongoing contact is often pushed by social work - and indeed can be very good for the children - if it’s not in the child’s interest you simply reduce and end contact. These people won’t be in your life forever.

It’s unlikely they’d be with you a week after matching, you can negotiate that if for example you need to organise things at work or at home. Introductions should happen quickly after matching but there is some wiggle room.

I think as adopters we can feel like the last thing on the list, with everyone else’s needs placed above ours, and it’s hard to complain because we’re getting a child and should be so grateful. Bollocks to that, your needs matter as do the needs of the child who is waiting for their new family. It’s ok to put pressure on all the professionals to get this move done. Think of it as advocating for your child if that helps, and try to still find joy and excitement in it where you can.

Sorry to derail the thread but the comments about foster carers having ‘power’ and being a ‘resource’ and ‘these people ‘made me smile.
There’s a real reason why there’s such a shortage of foster carers and a real reason why some who start this role with the best intentions become disillusioned and don’t continue..
I could (but obviously can’t) tell you some true stories about the realities of being a foster carer which are truly shocking and I say this as a foster carer of over 25 years.
Back to the thread, good luck and I genuinely hope it all works out for you and this child. If my experience with introductions can help please ask.

Thank you. I dont have anything against foster carers in general, I think the majority do a really good job, that adopters can never truly thank them for. However there are some that do seem to be power mad or overly attached to the children (which is understandable, but if the child isn't staying in foster care long term or being adopted by the foster carers, then they do need to go to their forever family asap)

I've tried giving them the benefit of the doubt several times, but it starting to feel rather deliberate.

I've no idea what is expected of me from fc, during intros as I haven't been able to speak to fc as they are so closed off to it.

In general what would I expect from adopters during intros?
Try to get along with the fc, if only faking it for the sake of the child.
Be punctual, the fc will be working hard behind the scenes preparing the child.
Accept my hospitality- I would be offering drinks/bacon butties/sandwiches- it would be easy to forget about your needs as this is a surreal time and you need all your strength.
Ask me questions about anything related to your child. If you forget to ask, text me.
Make yourself at home in my home, even though it feels really strange (it’s strange for me too).
Be aware of any other children living in the household, they will be saying goodbye to a child they’ve lived with. It’s my job to manage their understanding and feelings but I felt it’s definitely worth a mention (from previous experience).
Remember I am not there to judge your parenting skills but will offer guidance if you ask.
Be totally honest if you have any concerns around how you are coping or feeling. It’s better to address issues now than after the child is living with you.
On the final moving day, please just arrive and leave quickly so I can do what I need to do for my own self care.
It’s impossible to be completely prepared for introductions but most times it all goes really well and the start of a great adventure for you.

There is a minimum of 7 days after matching panel during which the agency decision maker approves the panel's recommendation. That can end up being 10-14 days. We had 12 days between panel and meeting our girls for the first time. A lot of planning takes place before the first meeting. Introductions then usually last 1-2 weeks, depending on the age of the child and how intros are going.

If you still think you can meet the needs of this child, I would sit tight. We first heard about our girls in February, had matching panel at the beginning of July and the girls came home on at the end of July. So in this respect your time frame is nothing unusual. Adoption is a marathon.