New to adoption

[Harley2532]

Me and my husband have been trying to conceive for years but are having no luck. We are now going down the other routes of Adoption and Surrogacy. What are people's experiences? We also have pets and will not get rid of them as they are our first babies.

How do we go about starting these things?

Can only speak on adoption but the process is tough and the children all require extra parenting due to their experiences and needs, but I've done it twice and no regrets.

You would only need to re-home pets that posed a risk/danger to children which you would obviously have to consider for any route to parenthood you take. If you wouldn't re-home them even if they would be a risk to children then id stick to parenting pets.

Hi @Harley2532

Firstly adoption and surrogacy are very very different things. Surrogacy also generates very strong opinions on mumsnet so I'd suggest you look at the surrogacy section for that.
As for adoption, people's experiences will vary hugely, some will have very positive experiences, others not so much. But I have never come across an adopter who hasn't experienced difficulties at some point. Its important to understand why children are in the care system and need new families. Most adopted children will have some level of additional needs. That's not to say life as an adopter is destined to be a disaster. Most of us see ourselves as ordinary parents with extraordinary children who need a lot more input than birth children. Most of us hold down jobs, although it'd not uncommon for the primary carer to go part time or have to give up work completely. Kids go to school, sometimes with a lot of support, we go on holiday.
For what it's worth I have a 21 year old son who has ASD. He has just finished his second year at uni, has been working since he was 14, and has tons of friends. He's spent the last 2 days helping me out with my parents who are in declining health. He's been a star. We also had a very challenging time between age 11- 14 and needed extensive therapeutic input. He is the light of my life and I am enormously proud of him. Wouldn't change a thing, despite my career grinding to a halt, my pension taking a hammering and my house taking the term shabby chic a bit too far.
On the issue of pets there is absolutely no assumption that you would have to give up pets. Many adopters have animals, I know a small holder with horses, cows and an array of ducks, geese and turkeys.
I do think you might struggle with some dog breeds though. I would disagree slightly with the previous poster about only having to rehome if the animal posed a danger to the child. Its rare but it does happen that the child poses a risk to the animal. I know 2 families who have had to rehome cats.
Social workers will to be reassured that if push comes to shove, you would prioritise a child over an animal. I have a cat, he's my buddy, given the choice I would not be without him. I've always had cats and growing up had dogs. But he is a cat, not my baby.
Social workers will also want to see you committed to adoption, not pursuing surrogacy as well, and if you have had fertility treatment, will want you to have a gap of at least 6 months before starting the process.
If you do want to pursue adoption I'd suggest you go to a few information evenings, try your local authority and just Google adoption agencies and see who is in your area. There are specific private/charitable adoption agencies such as Banardoes, Action for Children, Coram
I'd also suggest you start to do your research. Look in particular at attachment, FASD, ASD/ADHD, developmental trauma, developmental delay, therapeutic parenting, PACE. For starters.

If you’re seriously thinking about adoption be prepared for your views on lots of things to change, because as you understand the process and the children coming to adoption you’ll find your current beliefs challenged, in the best possible way.

I have two children adopted age 4 and 6, they’re now 12 and 14 and they’re the most fantastic kids. We have a cat and a dog, very beloved pets but if it came to a choice my kids will always come first. You can’t know how strong that feeling is until you’ve cared for children who have had a tricky start and who are wholly dependent on you.

Remember that adoption is about finding families for children, not about providing children to adults. The whole process centres the needs of potential children, is necessarily intrusive and at times can feel like it doesn’t make sense. But assessing people to parent children who have experienced trauma (as all adopted children do to some extent) is a complex job.

I don’t have much to say about surrogacy other than to say some of the same issues about identity and early separation are likely to be present, so really have a read about developmental trauma.

First, I’d say you need to do some research on both adoption and surrogacy and pick which one is right for you. You won’t be able to do both at the same time.

I considered surrogacy but on the balance of our ethics/beliefs, discounted it however, I have a friend who had her daughter that way.
Their experience was that it was stressful, and the child wasn’t legally theirs for a long while which was unsettling however, a genetic link was very important to them and they don’t regret it at all.

For adoption, I’d say learning about trauma and its effects on children is essential. Children don’t know when their birth family are neglecting them etc, so they feel the loss of what they know keenly, even when they’re tiny. That goes for children removed at birth up to
children old enough to remember their birth families.

For your pets, they will be assessed as to their suitability to be around a child. As PP said, it’s not just a case of assessing a dogs behaviour, it’s about what happens if a child falls on them/doesnt understand how to handle them and hurts them? Probably not something to worry about at this stage though.

As a first step to adoption, I’d look at your local council. Ours held information days where you could ask questions. That and reading up on attachment and trauma was our first step.
Once you’ve decided to do it, you contact the agency and they’ll guide you through the process.

The process itself is intrusive. They will talk to your friends/family/employer, check your finances, background for convictions etc and ask personal questions about your life, health, relationships, beliefs. It can be a bit uncomfortable but nothing major and it’s 100% worth it at the end.

I'm one of those who ended up having to rehome my dogs. I felt i had to agree to it during the process but, ultimately, 2 years in, the stress of keeping my dogs safe and happy was my priority. My son is 6 but has violent meltdowns, throwing items and he started pulling my dog's beards and legs. My dogs were so stressed (even by his noise) and I couldn't bear seeing them unhappy so I made the decision for their sakes. I found a breed specific rescue and the people who got them know how to handle the schnauzer breed so I was happy that they'd be taken care of. Miss them like hell though

I had to rehome one of my dogs before I applied to adopt. Overnight one just started randomly attacking the other one and I was always having to break up a fight and ended up bitten a couple of times. I told my social worker this and she told me several families had to give up dogs or cats down the line from either behavioral changes from the animals or the children hurting the animals. I think it happens a lot more than people think.