Having a wobble

[Hippocalipo]

I need a bit of a hand hold.

After what felt like a long process, I was finally approved and have been linked with a little girl. I met her social workers last week and they said they wanted to continue the match. I then met her foster mum.

Since then I've just been feeling down, I've no idea why. I keep wondering if this is the right thing to do. I've wanted this for so long, but what if I regret it? What if I dont love her? What if there's no connection? What if it just feels like I'm babysitting someone else's child? I'm so scared.

Hi @Hippocalipo
I'd bet my last salted caramel truffle that every adopter feels exactly the same way. I know I was scared stiff.
My son is grown up now and we can talk about how we felt at the time. He was nearly 8 so can remember it well.
He told me he was scared of me and I told him I was scared of him!
He also told me he loved me on day 2 of intros, so I said it back. Of course at that point neither of us meant it. But we kept saying it and at some point in that first year we meant it.
At the time he thought it was what I wanted from him, and I knew he needed to hear it back.
There are so many complex emotions here, you need to ride the wave.
Don't set your expectations too high, focus on getting through the day. You might fall in love at first sight. You might not. Either is OK. Deep feelings will come from building your new life together, creating your routines and family traditions and memories.
Take it a day at a time and don't look too far ahead. I think it took me a good 7 or 8months to feel like I'd created my family.
Your whole world is about to be turned upside down, who wouldn't be scared? So it's ok to be scared. And Im sure you will be a great mum
Good luck !

I think it's important to remember up til now all the prep, meetings, courses, reading etc has been generic to adoption and suddenly you have a real person thrown into the equation. It's bound to wobble you. I can vividly remember 3 days into intros sitting in a park in a strange town with my husband with 2 small children we had met 3 days before thinking I can't do this! Back at foster carers house she asked me if I'd had a wobble and cry as it was perfectly normal. It was such a huge step but we pushed on reassured these feelings were totally normal. 10 years on, I remember that day like it was yesterday. But I now have these 2 amazing kids that make me laugh as much as cry who I love so very much. It hasn't been an easy ride and we still have our battles, wobbles but I couldn't be without them.x

The day my little one moved in I had to run and talk to the FC. She was absolutely. We hugged and she told me to look after LO. I promised I would while thinking, "what the hell am I doing there is no way I can be a parent to this child." I was completely terrified.

2.5 years in and I parent her (mostly) fine. It might take some time, there will likely be bumps along the way but you'll be fine!

Absolutely normal, to the extent that I have seen this topic come up on threads several times before. It's how I felt too. Honestly I think it's a good sign that you are feeling over analytical and uncertain. You are, after all, stepping into the unknown and up until this point it has felt like something of a pipedream. Now the reality is starting to hit, and you're about to pass the point of no return. I've never been married, but I would imagine it's akin to pre-wedding nerves, except it's ten times worse, because this small person will be entirely dependent on you, she never chose you, and you haven't even met her yet.

I think you need to take yourself back to all the thoughts and feelings that lead you to the decision to adopt in the first place. Then ask yourself how you would feel if you walked away right now? Overwhelming relief or like you have just missed out on something amazing?

Will you love her? Probably not at first, but you will go through the motions of caring for her and making sure she feels safe and wanted. You may need to fake love for a while, but it will come, as will the connection. Don't be disheartened if it isn't instant. It could take months. Will you regret it? Well, you'll never know unless you go ahead. I adopted a baby and the first year was really tough. I certainly questioned my decision to adopt a number of times in the first year, but once we got through the baby stage, it was all worth it. I have zero regrets, and I can't imagine my life without my amazing little boy. I have rarely read on here about adopters who really regret adopting. In real life I know quite a lot of adopters and, regardless of what difficulties they face with their children, I can't say that any of them wish that they had never adopted.

And yes, I did feel almost like I was babysitting someone else's child at first. When you are still learning about your child, and you know that the foster carers already know how to settle them quickly, how they like to be held, what different cries mean, the ideal temperature for their food, the way they like their sandwiches cut, and what all their teddies are called and you have to learn all of that, it's natural to feel like you're not quite the real deal yet. Again, that's one that will come with time, and it won't take long to feel like you know your child best.

❤️

Omg thank you everyone so much! You've all explained it so well.

I've not been getting much sleep and I think I was having a bit of a panic attack and feeling very overwhelmed. I've had a good think about it today and I still believe this child is the one for me and I can meet her needs.

I truly hope our bump into and intros go well.

It’s so natural to feel overwhelmed. You’ve been living and breathing adoption for a while but it’s been an abstract thing that will happen down the line. Then all of a sudden there’s an actual child, and a timeline, and every single thing in your life is about to change - for better and worse. You need to adjust while also helping an unknown child to adjust. Of course you’re going to feel overwhelmed at times, it’s part of the process really.

Don’t put too much stock on how things go in intros. It’s a completely unnatural process and some foster carers are more skilled, and willing, than others. Really until you have your child home, and start to get into a routine you’ll feel a bit out of place. Keep reminding yourself of all the great qualities you have that will make you a great mum for this little one, write them down somewhere you can see, because in the midst of it all you can forget.

It’s an odd time, exciting and scary so go gently with yourself.

Just echoing other posters. If you weren’t a bit nervous/scared then I’d think you haven’t fully appreciated what you’re signing up for.

I got almost cold feet before intros, like I suddenly wasn’t ready and I was going to rubbish. It was pure nerves and terror (and totally unfounded) although it lasted from just before intros until LO had been here for probably a month.
Now LO has been here for less than a year and the love I feel is huge. Couldn’t imagine life without him.

I will say I found intros really really hard. LO took to DH straight away and just didn’t seem to want to know me, and obviously the foster carers were around so LO went to them for everything. I cried coming home a few times - I have since spoke to several adopters who have all said they experienced the same thing. Im adding that here to make you aware that if it happens it’s normal!

Try and forge a good relationship with foster carers as you build towards the bump into meeting and intros. It will help because there will be things you won’t ask but will wish you knew in the first weeks and months and if you all get on you can just ask them (I think we were about a month in when we had to ask a medical question and foster carers were really helpful).
Plus they can give you updates while you’re waiting.

Good luck OP

Just to reiterate what everyone else said, what ur feeling is so normal, and in a couple of years time you will be here telling the next person worried about these feeling about how it’s completely normal and it will pass. It might not pass straight away. it took me months to settle
into It all, but we are here 7 years down the line and those feeling are a distant memory x

Just a little update. I met her last week at a soft play and I'm absolutely in love! She's adorable and everything I'd hoped for.

@Hippocalipo

So lovely to hear that, wishing you lots of happiness in your new life together