Marriage/him being a dad, feel it's breaking down

[Suchabigsleepyhead]

We have a 7 year old AD been with us 5 years. Normal ups and downs you get with adoption and kids.
I was starting to type about today but it actually seems ridiculous. He ended up getting cross, he can't let things go. I put her to bed, he was asleep or at least pretending to be when she went to say goodnight. Then i come down and then he saysI don't want to do father's day, it's too much pressure, it just reminds me of all the things I don't like about being a father.
Then moaned i don't support him and he doesn't get anything from her.
I'm thinking to be honest he can't be bothered it's too much effort and this isn't what he wanted. He wanted a yes kid who is perfectly behaved and never makes a mess, it feels like he's never met a child right now. Ours is amazing, yes she has wobbles, yes she split something on the sofa today and didn't mention it, yes she's a child and yes she doesn't always tell the truth, especially if she's going to get moaned at and grumpy daddy. I reiterated his point to her to say if she's spilt something as it's easier to fix straight away rather than later. But somehow I am not supporting him?? This happened this morning, and then unfortunately another mess early this afternoon, but he's then spent most of the day basically sulking!! He's a grown man, she's a kid. We surely don't have to keep harping on about it all day and being cross with her do we?!
He wants the relationship I have with her but doesn't put in the same effort. They hardly have time just the 2 of them, he's tired or doesn't make the effort. Then he's still surprised she wants mummy.
I'm fed up, you can probably tell ha, but I feel like I'm holding things together, the only grown up. I know he's been depressed, i thought this was improving but to be honest I just don't think he wants this life.
I think I mostly want to vent. I don't have a magic solution. I love AD so much and she deserves more, I do. I'm also peri menopause and can't be bothered sorting his toddler crap out either. I know I've probably got to talk to him and talk to him properly. But how is another matter.
Things get better and then there's another crazy dump like today and I think he needs to show up and stop being a whiny baby. Am I being harsh? Unsupportive? As I'm writing I can foresee the responses but I don't really have anyone to properly talk with that isn't family. I need to feel a bit less alone in all of this. Thanks if you've read all this and don't worry if you don't respond. I needed to talk, if even to work through my words and thoughts some more.

Sounds tough, only you know whether this is a temporary hard patch for your DH and you need to support him or whether this marriage has run it's course and isn't right for you and your AD anymore. I always encourage reaching out for support and trying to fix things but only you know if you want to do this anyway.

Would he sit down with you and discuss all your concerns on this situation and what needs to happen to keep the family together?

Suchabigsleepyhead

I am so sorry this sounds very tough.

Your husband does sound like he is depressed and he should get some help with that.

I wonder if you can get some family therapy to help him bond with dd?

It does sound like your dh's expectations on fatherhood are not very realistic.

My first thought was...he is being appalling. My second thought was..he has unresolved issues about his own childhood. But that is for him to seek help for. Whatever they may be...
It's unbelievable that you should be asked to "fix" this for him, let alone your LO.

I have observed quite a few fathers of biological children (luckily not my DH - very very occasionally he would revert to childlike resentments - it does happen) behave like this. The remedy as always was for them to get more involved but that sometimes meant the mum refusing to do ALL the physical parenting, whether it's insisting father took child out alone, put child to bed (badly) or making them cook meals together. Women can sometimes feel that they alone can" do it right" and it can be a vicious circle.

To witness a grown man pulling this sort of stunt (and I witnessed this in a close male relative recently) is an eye opener - these men need counselling and it mostly is nothing whatsoever to do with you, except in that you might have subtly enabled him up until now

Somewhere along the way he will have learnt to put great store in his possessions rather than in his relationships, or his happy memories will be bound up in things being near and orderly or conversely he will have been ticked off for being untidy or spilling things as a child and now it's a trigger.

You can understand all this backstory but it still doesn't make it alright for him to cause so much tension and use up your precious resources

Did he ever bond with her? Adoption is very different from having a birth child and sometimes bonding has to be managed process in a way it wouldn't be for a birth child.
I'd say this is a situation that requires therapeutic input to put in place concrete methods to support their bonding. It's not too late, she's still young and parenting through older childhood will be very different and require different skills where he might come into his own. BUT all of that will require him to commit and engage and the million dollar question is whether he is willing to do that.

I really empathise with you. The same thing happened to me - same sex couple but my ex took on the sulky manchild role. I didn't foresee that. I couldn't leave her with my son for five minutes alone without them arguing, every incident was escalated, she blamed me for undermining her whenever I tried to intervene. I suddenly had two dependents, rather than the child and supportive partner I had hoped for. She also resisted spending any time alone with him, I always had to be around, she would always have an excuse not to do bedtimes etc.

I don't think you truly know anyone until you've had a child with them! We'd been together for ten years previous to adoption. Parenthood triggers something deep within people that can be really dysfunctional. Especially when you don't have an easy "yes child".

I had to leave with my son after 6 years of adoption. There were other reasons too. That was five years ago. She does have a really good relationship with our son now but chooses only to see him maybe three Saturday afternoons a month, and an overnight or two with him to visit her mother in school holidays. She just wasn't cut out to be a daily, drudging, nurturing, persevering hands on parent. The phrase Disney Dad has always resonated.

No advice but I do feel your pain.

He wants the relationship I have with her but doesn't put in the same effort. They hardly have time just the 2 of them, he's tired or doesn't make the effort.

This stood out for me. I think in adoption it can be difficult for the parent that doesn’t have adoption leave. Presumably you took time out of the workplace, so every part of your life changed (which is very hard), while he continued to go to work, follow his usual routine while you cared for your child.

I initially thought I had the harder part, and in many ways I did, but my husband needed to really build in time with the kids, to bond and learn how to parent. He felt it was effortless for me, because I had time and would naturally take on a lot of the care. I felt he had an easier time because he didn’t need to entertain, care for and manage two kids that were strangers to both of us in the early days.

Ultimately turning it into a “who does more” didn’t help. His expectations of adoption were different to yours and his experience of parenting is different too. Can you find time, without judgement, to talk about how you’re both doing and how you want family life to be.

@Suchabigsleepyhead
How

are things going?

Have you and your husband had a chance to talk about things?

Thank you all for your messages and taking the time to respond. You have given me plenty to think about as to which applies to him/us.
He certainly has been depressed and I think what we're seeing now is him dealing with unresolved childhood, expectations around parenthood and our AD. I feel it's also been tricky where he was struggling and depressed and I was doing more and now coming out of that our AD is so used to me doing things with her, she doesn't expect him to.
We have had a few chats and things have improved in some ways, but there are still things I think to talk through. I feel I do need to push back some more. He says I'm making excuses for her, I'm trying to see his viewpoint but I do feel that I'm just being realistic about kids and her age.
Things aren't completely right but you are right we need to talk and talk more and he needs to want to develop the bond more.

Don't let him gaslight you about "making excuses" for her. Of course you should make excuses because she is 7 AND she has been adopted and they arent "excuses" they are YOU parenting her appropriately. I've seen this nonsense play out in an adopted child of a relative - luckily the parents made excuses - it was other relatives that kept insisting the child should be held to account. Why does he feel the need to be "right"???!!!