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Adoption

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Positive Experiences - Please Provide!

25 replies

SophieStaffs87 · 15/06/2025 09:29

Hi there,
We are in stage 1 of the adoption process with a 2.5 year old birth child. We've engaged with the research advised by our social worker and are committed to learning as much as possible about the adoption process. Last night I found a social media group that unfortunately detailed a LOT of negative experiences from the adoptive parents point of view regarding adoption, there seemed to be a particular focus on how to achieve a Section 20?
On the back of this, we would just really appreciate hearing some positive adoption outcomes whether from an adopted person or adoptive parents. It was hard going 🫣🫣

OP posts:
Empuffin · 15/06/2025 10:50

Hi, best not to trawl these sites; people tend to over share the negative and under share the positive. I’m currently knee deep in potty training but other than that my experience has been a joy! Social work were all fantastic and any delays (which were very frustrating!!) pale into insignificance once your little one is home. My wee one is exhausting but what toddler isn’t? They are also hilarious, curious and delightful. Problems may arise later in life but for the moment it’s just normal toddler stuff. I had no issues getting the adoption stuff finalised; the biggest problem I had was getting the tax free childcare account set up and they kept rejecting the paperwork.

SophieStaffs87 · 15/06/2025 12:56

Thanks so much - I am a firm believer in not getting too wrapped up in social media as you say, just some of the stories were so worrying that I almost feel irresponsible for potentially subjecting my birth child to any such scenario! We do have friends with (young) adopted children and they are all wonderful, I suppose I just had not fully considered any impact adoption would have on a teenage adoptee 🫣☺️

OP posts:
Seahorsesplendour · 15/06/2025 20:44

There are a lot of challenges that come with Adoption and your children will have very different needs!!

We did so much research and felt we had a good understanding of the reality of adoption but actually nothing can fully prepare you!! As with anything you don’t really know how anything is until you’re living it!!

some days are incredibly difficult , some days are amazing we only have 1 ds and decided not to adopt again as we wanted to be able to focus on his needs more fully but for others having more is fine.

I tend to post about or talk about either our really good days or our really bad days, in reality most days are probably pretty normal if slightly chaotic & random type of family life!!

not sure if that helps tbh but no one can tell you it will all be ok, it might not be but sometimes it will be! No guarantees with siblings however you have them but adoption definitely adds an additional layer of challenge!

Seahorsesplendour · 15/06/2025 20:48

Sorry I realised I didn’t really do what you asked with positive experience! I can honestly say the first 4 years of our family life were amazing!! The last 3 have been more challenging & I feel we’ll have increasingly tricky times ahead but wouldn’t change a thing!!

Arran2024 · 15/06/2025 20:59

I'm not going to sugar coat it - most of the adopted children i have come across through my 24 years of being an adopter are not straightforward. But it can be very rewarding.

Torvy · 15/06/2025 21:45

It is a tough ask because obviously people moan on social media, and I'm going to preface every comment below with the suggestion you read the Mumsnet forums extensively for what I feel is usually relatively unbiased advice and a realistic version of events. You've got loads of threads on here about adopting with a birth child, so I would recommend you read those first and then come back with any specific questions.

However, you want only the positive about adoptionvor the moment so here goes some positive things about my kids.

My kids are bloody hilarious. They absolutely crack me up and make deadpan comments that you couldn't make up.

They are both in mainstream school, and I don't know if thriving is the word because every day at pick up I'm met with more shenanigans they have done in the day, but school are committed to working stuff out for them at the moment, and we are doing an absolute number on their risk assessment policy.

They make up songs to sing themselves to sleep about how much their family loves them and they can always have a map to get back to our family home if they get lost.

I've managed to go back to work part time and I'm loving it.

They are a sibling pair who fought like I've never seen, but with intentional and occasionally unusual tactics we managed to reduce altercations to a relatively normal sibling level and frequency, which was much improved mainly by the youngest realising he could bite back. Suddenly fighting became much less appealing and now we wrestle with only the occasional hair pull.

They love our cat, despite the fact she clearly despises them.

We take them on holidays regularly. They mainly like it, although whether that's because Europeans have a less prudish approach to clothing is unclear. We go to SEN swimming each week and they are teaching themselves how to swim through sheer determination to copy the guy who pretends to be a dolphin. They will brook no interference with this method, particularly me trying to give any instructions, but it's somehow working far better than formal swimming lessons, plus the pool is warmer. We don't ask why.

Having kids with eating difficulties means that we can all just chill out about food and make the choices we want to under the guise of modelling good eating to the kids. Their experiments with food sometimes make my stomach turn, but there is a joy in watchíng a child who would willingly subsist on plain crackers chow down a whole plateful of pasta with ketchup when your strategies work.

My kids are bonkers and always have a plan. They are full of absolutely undeserved and unmerited confidence in their physical and social ability, and only when stymied by either insurmountable physical barrier or repeated rejection do they finally give up on whatever nonsensical challenge they have set themselves. This is positive because it exhausts them and we all get an early night.

They love cuddling with us. They love snuggling and physical touch at any given opportunity. If my bum is touching a seat, I can guarantee I get about ten minutes before one or the other of them is coming to cuddle, tap, touch, hold my hand, play with my hair, join in with what I'm doing. It's sweet, and I do try to remember that they won't do it forever, even if sometimes I just want to get on with what I'm doing.

My kids have unlimited ability to focus on certain things when they want to and utilise every opportunity to beg, borrow, wheedle and cajole knowledge from whatever source they can. The eldest is currently living for knights, and the promise that if he does his phonics that he will be able to read all the books he wants to about knights is the main driving force behind him actually engaging with his phonics. In the meantime, he is watching whatever he can about knights on the iPad at school, is desperate to go to various museums to see more knights and bought a book for my father in law for fathers sday so that they could read it together about, you guessed it, knights.

I could go on forever. I love my kids, and I also kind of love that I don't actually have to follow the rules of society whilst I parent them too. For me there is a freedom in being able to be quite critical of traditional western parenting and be forced into thinking but what is right for my child in this moment? It has forced me to reconsider so many of my values, although that does put me at odds to a lot of people who don't understand our way of parenting. I'm not religious, but the notion that one serves a child and humble oneself in order to do so is the closest thing I can think of to it. And like anything, it is hard, but the rewards are there. And you will find support if you look in the right places. Those groups are for people in a specific situation - and if you aren't there yet, it seems so shocking from the outside, and yet these things are always a possibility. Denying that possibility would be unfair should you end up in that situation. But then again, if you joined a teachers Facebook group, for example, you would see a specific set of issues that people were raising that might seem negative, but are based in the reality people are facing at the time. I'm a teacher and when I was moving from one job to another I joined a group about teachers leaving the profession. If my only experience of the career was viewing that page, I wouldn't be a teacher now! However, if you were to become a teacher, some of those might affect you, and you would be glad of the heads-up about what options are available to you by other people being honest about their experiences. If you had no intention to enter that career, it could be a bit shocking to see what's in the sausage as it were. I, for one, have seen the sausage ingredients of both teaching and adoption and have continued with both paths because I love them both despite their many, many difficulties. I also like a sausage bap despite knowing the ingredients ,but am glad that it wouldn't come as a shock to me later on.

I love my kids and adoption was the best route for us and our family, and I would do it again all over again, but it definitely isn't for everyone. Take your social workers advice, read everything and don't stick your head in the sand about the worst case scenario. It's too much of a gamble to imagine you won't have at least some of the issues they outline, but also some of the joys too.

Seahorsesplendour · 16/06/2025 07:52

@Torvy your posts are always great but you’ve outdone yourself on that one!! Your family sounds awsome and you’ve got such a way with words!! Thanks for posting & starting my day off with a chuckle!!

SophieStaffs87 · 16/06/2025 08:43

Exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you for taking the time to relay all that, brilliantly described.

The social workers have obviously made us aware of difficulties we are likely to experience in the early years but (perhaps foolishly) I hadn't considered what difficulties would look like with teens.

That said, I don't raise my biological whilst worrying what our relationship will look like when he's a teenager so I will just stick to the now.

Can I ask how old your children were when they came to you?

OP posts:
SophieStaffs87 · 16/06/2025 08:47

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Good advice, gratefully received.

How old was your child when they came to you please?

OP posts:
Rainallnight · 16/06/2025 08:51

Torvy · 15/06/2025 21:45

It is a tough ask because obviously people moan on social media, and I'm going to preface every comment below with the suggestion you read the Mumsnet forums extensively for what I feel is usually relatively unbiased advice and a realistic version of events. You've got loads of threads on here about adopting with a birth child, so I would recommend you read those first and then come back with any specific questions.

However, you want only the positive about adoptionvor the moment so here goes some positive things about my kids.

My kids are bloody hilarious. They absolutely crack me up and make deadpan comments that you couldn't make up.

They are both in mainstream school, and I don't know if thriving is the word because every day at pick up I'm met with more shenanigans they have done in the day, but school are committed to working stuff out for them at the moment, and we are doing an absolute number on their risk assessment policy.

They make up songs to sing themselves to sleep about how much their family loves them and they can always have a map to get back to our family home if they get lost.

I've managed to go back to work part time and I'm loving it.

They are a sibling pair who fought like I've never seen, but with intentional and occasionally unusual tactics we managed to reduce altercations to a relatively normal sibling level and frequency, which was much improved mainly by the youngest realising he could bite back. Suddenly fighting became much less appealing and now we wrestle with only the occasional hair pull.

They love our cat, despite the fact she clearly despises them.

We take them on holidays regularly. They mainly like it, although whether that's because Europeans have a less prudish approach to clothing is unclear. We go to SEN swimming each week and they are teaching themselves how to swim through sheer determination to copy the guy who pretends to be a dolphin. They will brook no interference with this method, particularly me trying to give any instructions, but it's somehow working far better than formal swimming lessons, plus the pool is warmer. We don't ask why.

Having kids with eating difficulties means that we can all just chill out about food and make the choices we want to under the guise of modelling good eating to the kids. Their experiments with food sometimes make my stomach turn, but there is a joy in watchíng a child who would willingly subsist on plain crackers chow down a whole plateful of pasta with ketchup when your strategies work.

My kids are bonkers and always have a plan. They are full of absolutely undeserved and unmerited confidence in their physical and social ability, and only when stymied by either insurmountable physical barrier or repeated rejection do they finally give up on whatever nonsensical challenge they have set themselves. This is positive because it exhausts them and we all get an early night.

They love cuddling with us. They love snuggling and physical touch at any given opportunity. If my bum is touching a seat, I can guarantee I get about ten minutes before one or the other of them is coming to cuddle, tap, touch, hold my hand, play with my hair, join in with what I'm doing. It's sweet, and I do try to remember that they won't do it forever, even if sometimes I just want to get on with what I'm doing.

My kids have unlimited ability to focus on certain things when they want to and utilise every opportunity to beg, borrow, wheedle and cajole knowledge from whatever source they can. The eldest is currently living for knights, and the promise that if he does his phonics that he will be able to read all the books he wants to about knights is the main driving force behind him actually engaging with his phonics. In the meantime, he is watching whatever he can about knights on the iPad at school, is desperate to go to various museums to see more knights and bought a book for my father in law for fathers sday so that they could read it together about, you guessed it, knights.

I could go on forever. I love my kids, and I also kind of love that I don't actually have to follow the rules of society whilst I parent them too. For me there is a freedom in being able to be quite critical of traditional western parenting and be forced into thinking but what is right for my child in this moment? It has forced me to reconsider so many of my values, although that does put me at odds to a lot of people who don't understand our way of parenting. I'm not religious, but the notion that one serves a child and humble oneself in order to do so is the closest thing I can think of to it. And like anything, it is hard, but the rewards are there. And you will find support if you look in the right places. Those groups are for people in a specific situation - and if you aren't there yet, it seems so shocking from the outside, and yet these things are always a possibility. Denying that possibility would be unfair should you end up in that situation. But then again, if you joined a teachers Facebook group, for example, you would see a specific set of issues that people were raising that might seem negative, but are based in the reality people are facing at the time. I'm a teacher and when I was moving from one job to another I joined a group about teachers leaving the profession. If my only experience of the career was viewing that page, I wouldn't be a teacher now! However, if you were to become a teacher, some of those might affect you, and you would be glad of the heads-up about what options are available to you by other people being honest about their experiences. If you had no intention to enter that career, it could be a bit shocking to see what's in the sausage as it were. I, for one, have seen the sausage ingredients of both teaching and adoption and have continued with both paths because I love them both despite their many, many difficulties. I also like a sausage bap despite knowing the ingredients ,but am glad that it wouldn't come as a shock to me later on.

I love my kids and adoption was the best route for us and our family, and I would do it again all over again, but it definitely isn't for everyone. Take your social workers advice, read everything and don't stick your head in the sand about the worst case scenario. It's too much of a gamble to imagine you won't have at least some of the issues they outline, but also some of the joys too.

This is beautiful. I loved reading about your kids. And it’s a wake up call to me to re-frame some of our challenges at the moment as positives.

Seahorsesplendour · 16/06/2025 09:11

Rainallnight · 16/06/2025 08:51

This is beautiful. I loved reading about your kids. And it’s a wake up call to me to re-frame some of our challenges at the moment as positives.

ditto!!

Seahorsesplendour · 16/06/2025 09:11

ds was 4 months old when he arrived as a FFA placement

SophieStaffs87 · 16/06/2025 13:57

@Seahorsesplendour Is it okay to ask how you feel those 4 months prior to coming to you affected your little one in terms of their ongoing attachment and general development?

OP posts:
Arran2024 · 16/06/2025 14:29

SophieStaffs87 · 16/06/2025 13:57

@Seahorsesplendour Is it okay to ask how you feel those 4 months prior to coming to you affected your little one in terms of their ongoing attachment and general development?

I'm sure they will be along to answer you. But tbh many older adopters like myself will suggest you focus on the background of the child you are hoping to adopt, in particular the likelihood of foetal alcohol syndrome. When I adopted, "attachment" was all the rage but then so many adopters were having their children diagnosed with adhd, asd, Speech and Language disorder, learning disabilities.....there is increasing evidence that much of this is due to fasd. Sws often don't mention it as a possibility, partly because alcohol is often consumed behind closed doors and isn't known about. Read between the lines on profiles of children. I'm not saying you shouldn't adopt a child with fasd but you have a birth child and may not be so well placed to deal with the demands of a child with fasd.

SophieStaffs87 · 16/06/2025 14:38

@Arran2024 I have just finished reading a thread on here about an adopter who received 'incomplete' information regarding the results of a hair strand test indicative of the mother's alcohol consumption during pregnancy. I wasn't aware that such a test existed, perhaps may provide some assistance going forward. Obviously I appreciate the value of any such test will be circumstantial; if the baby isn't under SS observation as a new born then no such results will be available.
I am aware (purely from research, no lived experience) of the difficulties surrounding FASD and can absolutely see that this may be the primary factor in the many additional needs that you refer to. We will have to be incredibly careful when considering a match, if we are accepted that far.

OP posts:
Seahorsesplendour · 17/06/2025 16:36

Hiya I think Arran 2024 is right in that our experiences and how those 4 months affected our ds are unique and every child will be affected differently.

but to explain a little I really have no way of knowing if he would have been any different had he come to us at birth. I suspect not massively as the older he gets the more we understand his challenges and the impact that his earliest times have had on him.

I suspect more importantly what we understand now is that The very cells that made him were developed in a stressful environment, no drugs, no alcohol but DV & lots & lots of stress hormones. This has made him who he is and we see the affects of this daily.

add in the fact that in that short time before he came to us he learnt not to cry for feed (despite being in a “safe place”) and had to relearn that he could cry & get fed with us , we know at 2 months old he sat on bm lap in a room full of professionals awake for 2 hours just looking out at strange faces and didn’t make a sound. Every time I think of that it chills me to the core.

I’m sorry if this isn’t what you wanted to hear and will balance it by saying he is loving and precocious and loves any ball game and water and is so fun to be with and his strength inspires me every day but life is a challenge for him & his safe place is home where he would happily stay if life could facilitate that but sadly it can’t!!

every child is different and we were keen to have the baby years & those memories definitely keep me going on the tough days so it was 100% right for us but it’s so important to be as prepared as you can be! it isn’t an easy option and the challenges are huge but so are the cuddles and they make it all worth it.

happy for you to pm me if any more queries

SophieStaffs87 · 17/06/2025 20:06

Seahorsesplendour · 17/06/2025 16:36

Hiya I think Arran 2024 is right in that our experiences and how those 4 months affected our ds are unique and every child will be affected differently.

but to explain a little I really have no way of knowing if he would have been any different had he come to us at birth. I suspect not massively as the older he gets the more we understand his challenges and the impact that his earliest times have had on him.

I suspect more importantly what we understand now is that The very cells that made him were developed in a stressful environment, no drugs, no alcohol but DV & lots & lots of stress hormones. This has made him who he is and we see the affects of this daily.

add in the fact that in that short time before he came to us he learnt not to cry for feed (despite being in a “safe place”) and had to relearn that he could cry & get fed with us , we know at 2 months old he sat on bm lap in a room full of professionals awake for 2 hours just looking out at strange faces and didn’t make a sound. Every time I think of that it chills me to the core.

I’m sorry if this isn’t what you wanted to hear and will balance it by saying he is loving and precocious and loves any ball game and water and is so fun to be with and his strength inspires me every day but life is a challenge for him & his safe place is home where he would happily stay if life could facilitate that but sadly it can’t!!

every child is different and we were keen to have the baby years & those memories definitely keep me going on the tough days so it was 100% right for us but it’s so important to be as prepared as you can be! it isn’t an easy option and the challenges are huge but so are the cuddles and they make it all worth it.

happy for you to pm me if any more queries

Thanks so much. It's not 'not' what I want to hear, which I realise contradicts the title of my original post. I think I am just trying to make sense of the potential for positive and negative, because I seem to be in a phase of finding a lot of negative (which I realise is just honest experience) I wanted to restore a little balance. Thank you for the pm offer, I'll definitely take you up on it.

OP posts:
Seahorsesplendour · 17/06/2025 21:07

I get that! I remember sitting in the training thinking jeepers how would we cope with that behaviour! The answer is we do!!

Because it isn’t just random behaviour now it’s our ds telling us that all isn’t well in his world and asking for our help to figure it out with him, or sometimes just trying to hurt us as much as he hurts

sometimes it feels overwhelming as we can’t undo the past & can never make it better but we can and will be there every step of the way with him and we just take it one step at a time

MyTwoDads · 19/07/2025 17:33

We have a super positive experience to share. Not the process as that was the agencies fault and is for another day and another thread.

We adopted our son at 10months old with 2 weeks notice! A covid lockdown was coming, so we all had to work quickly as his FCs were not able to continue looking after him. He had had about 5 different homes (inc birth parents) in his short life, so they wanted a final home asap.
We did a quick video call and raced up north the next day. The SW told us to expect a turbulent settling in period as he had been a very needy baby up to then.
However, from the moment we brought him home, he has been utterly perfect. No issues at all. He settled in seamlessly with us and has met all his milestones. He has just finished reception and is working above average (I'm a primary teacher so was able to help with phonics and writing etc).

We feel very lucky that he has been such a breeze. You do read about very different stories and the possible difficulties that can arise with adopted children. The fact is you will love them whatever happens. Any parent can have a child with behaviour or medical concerns that we learn about in adoption training. They still love their children the same.

Good luck, you'll love it! 😊

Noimaginationforaun · 20/07/2025 12:21

I always comment on these because I remember the same feeling when we went through the process. So much negativity!

Our son came home at 23 months and he is now a happy, thriving 6 year old. The absolute light of our lives. He is the centre of our world and we would go through all the hard bits of infertility and the adoption process a billion times over for him.

Life is busy! We both work and he is in Year One. He has wonderful friends at school, is on track across the board academically and his cracking sense of humour is really shining through. We love family holidays, days out and generally anything that means time together!

His greatest problems in life include: having to clean his teeth twice a day, bed time being 8pm and not having unlimited ice creams in the heat.

He is such a loving, caring, funny little boy who makes us laugh every day. My favourite times are the weekend mornings when he comes in for a cuddle in bed.

I often get told he is so lucky to have been adopted by us and I always reply that he isn’t lucky, he did not deserve what happened to him as a baby but we are very lucky to have been chosen to be his Mummy and Daddy and get to love him unconditionally.

SophieStaffs87 · 20/07/2025 15:36

Noimaginationforaun · 20/07/2025 12:21

I always comment on these because I remember the same feeling when we went through the process. So much negativity!

Our son came home at 23 months and he is now a happy, thriving 6 year old. The absolute light of our lives. He is the centre of our world and we would go through all the hard bits of infertility and the adoption process a billion times over for him.

Life is busy! We both work and he is in Year One. He has wonderful friends at school, is on track across the board academically and his cracking sense of humour is really shining through. We love family holidays, days out and generally anything that means time together!

His greatest problems in life include: having to clean his teeth twice a day, bed time being 8pm and not having unlimited ice creams in the heat.

He is such a loving, caring, funny little boy who makes us laugh every day. My favourite times are the weekend mornings when he comes in for a cuddle in bed.

I often get told he is so lucky to have been adopted by us and I always reply that he isn’t lucky, he did not deserve what happened to him as a baby but we are very lucky to have been chosen to be his Mummy and Daddy and get to love him unconditionally.

Thanks so much for this! It's reassuring to hear that we aren't the only ones that came out of the training somewhat battered - the post adoption training day was grimmer than grim - I'm not even sure the man doing it was in favour of adoption by the time he had finished!!

We are a few weeks out of it now and have managed to reclaim our hopes for bringing a new little person into our family - rather than some cursed ticking time bomb as per all the worst cases we have been immersed in!

Thanks again for you time.

OP posts:
Lemoande14 · 21/07/2025 15:04

We adopted two little girls aged 2.5 and 1.5, 3 years ago, its never plain sailing with kids but on the whole its been a fantastic experience so far, both little girls are loving lively and curious. Brought us so much joy, it is completely life changing however, but in a good way, still get bad days but way more good ones.

onlytherain · 03/08/2025 19:16

We are 13 years in and have had many great years and quite a few very challenging years, but my husband and I love our children like crazy and they love us back. That's very positive, I think. :-)

Cheekychop · 04/08/2025 09:49

I am 17 years in. My daughter is now 18 and we brought her home aged 13 months.
I know you only want positive stories and I really understand why as I was exactly the same all those years ago. I thought too that I would be able to "chose better" but the reality is that conditions don't become apparent until the child is much older. My daughter was meeting all her developmental milestones when she was placed with us but she has been diagnosed with a number of conditions such as ADHD and ASD which has made parenting her really challenging over the years. Last year she tracked her birth mother down on social media and we now have her in our lives which brings new challenges.

So my advice to you is to prepare for the worst rather than hoping for the best. Read the negative stories and think about what you would do if that happened to you. Start saving now for various assessments/ therapy because your placing authority will only be with you for 3 years post placement and then for any help you will have to approach the authority you live in. The ASF has also been reduced from £5000 to £2500 per year and trying to access that van be really difficult. Also look at the process for obtaining EHCPs as if your child does have SEN you will have to battle this process too. So save as much as you can.

Also never forget that there are reasons why birth parents are unable to parent properly and that is because they themselves have various undiagnosed conditions such as ADHD, ASD. Lots of these conditions are actually genetic/ hereditary. So if your child does develop challenging behaviour don't forget that it could be both attachment issues and mental health/ developmental conditions. Read as much on these conditions and the necessary parenting strategies.

I also have an older birth child and parenting my birth child has been completely different to parenting my adopted daughter.

I don't mean to rain on your parade and parenting my daughter has had a lot of good times and she has definitely benefited from being with us. We love her dearly and our 110% committed to her but it has not been easy. It's these hard times which you will face and which you really need to be prepared for. Doing that will help you feel more empowered and in control and will help you advocate for your child when it comes to professionals especially schools.

Best wishes xx

FloppySarnie · 04/08/2025 17:08

We are 8/9 years in and we are at the easiest end of the spectrum. My child is thriving, does very well in school and has no apparent additional needs. We have no issues (yet) and our child is the absolute light of our lives. However, despite all of this, I would never adopt if I had a birth child as I think the risks are too great. I realise that may be an unpopular opinion but I know many adopters and they all have a much more difficult it time than we do - some in quite extreme ways. I would adopt siblings but I think meeting the needs of a birth child and an adopted child is potentially incredibly difficult and I wouldn’t risk the disruption for my birth child.

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