Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Need some advice

18 replies

Littledove2001 · 06/06/2025 11:37

I am nearly 24 years old and single while also living at home with parents still. I have a stable job as a teaching assistant in a primary school in the U.K.
My parents are foster carers and I play a big role and currently have a placement of a 4 month old baby boy that I done a lot of raising since he was 9 weeks old. We have a very beautiful strong bond with him that I feel like he’s mine lol. If the baby gets the adoption order in December I would like to adopt him. I know I’m young but I’m not someone that has ever been interested in travelling or partying. I have always wanted to be a mum and I haven’t had a boyfriend. Just wanted some advice and opinions whether I should adopt him or not.

OP posts:
Ted27 · 06/06/2025 12:59

@Littledove2001

Hi, I think its lovely that you have a bond with this child but I do think you need to think very carefully about the practicalities of this.
Would you plan to still live at home?
How do you think your parents would feel about you being mum and transferring responsibilty and care of him to you. How do you think that would work? Have you talked to them about it?

You would of course have to be assessed and approved as an adopter. So remember its not your decision about whether you can adopt him. Your decision is whether to apply.

I have several friends who do baby/toddler fostering and I've seen lots of babies come and go over the years. I often wonder how they can bear to let them go. They say to me that each one takes a little piece of their heart with them but they know they have played their part in the child's journey and there are other children who need them now.
I think you probably need to try and take a step back. The baby might feel like he's yours but he isn't. And I know how difficult the thought of him moving on to another family must be for you. But that is what fostering is about.
I know that sounds brutal. But you have to think about whether you would really be the right parent for this child. And if it's really the right thing for you at this stage of your life and how this would work with your family.

Jellycatspyjamas · 06/06/2025 18:28

I hear how attached you are to this little one but @Ted27 makes some very valid points.

There are lots of things to consider - first of all are you able to live independently, by which I mean can you financially support yourself and a child, pay rent/buy somewhere for you both to live. If you chose to stay with your parents, how might that impact them particularly if fostering is a source of income for them - which realistically it is for most foster carers.

Adoption always comes with a huge level of uncertainty, this little one could have significant additional needs that become apparent as they grow. Are you able and equipped to deal with that if need be? M

At 24 you have your whole life ahead of you, becoming a parent will impact every part of that - your career choices, your relationships, family planning, your ability to travel. That’s a lot to navigate.

Have you talked to your parents, what do they think?

Torvy · 07/06/2025 06:50

I would agree with the above posters that there are loads of things to consider.

Adopted children can be lovely but also very tricky little so and sos. It isn't just about their ability to curtail your ability to travel or party, because I think most children do that. It's also about the reality of adoption. Taking my two round a supermarket at the minute is a bloody nightmare, with people stopping me to tell them they are out of control, school call me every day to tell me they have done something else outrageous that apparently nobody else has thought of (well where DID my child get a ladder to climb the fence from the, Sharon on the front desk?!) and therapy 3-4 times a week. I'm on first name terms with the receptionist at the local hospital because of how regularly we are there. Doing that on my own as a single adopter would be impossible, simply because of the amount of paperwork they generate. Nobody at the school gates will now talk to me because my kids are bonkers- they seem to be popular but the other parents don't like their kids hanging out with my wild two, so I don't have mum friends. Most of my 'normal' friends don't have kids, and even those that do, don't have kids like mine, so we really can't hang out much together because I can't leave the kids with anyone else and can bring them with me. I think my kids are great, because they are fun and funny and good lord they make me laugh, but they aren't for the faint hearted, and I have completely left behind what life I had before them. I lost my job, my career and my social network. I gained my kids, a much more chill attitude towards creepy crawlies and lower standards of what I feel to be edible. I feast on my memories of travel and socialising when things get bad because it helps em to remember who I am and that there is another life out there that I want my kids and I to have when we get through this phase of them being unable to cope. The reason I say this is because you are young, and have the opportunity to live a life you want your kids to have too, and to have those memories to hold onto before your opportunity to male them is curtailed.

If you live with your parents currently, it may be harder to demonstrate to a social worker that you are able to provide for a child independently. The social worker has to account for the fact that you would be the only one legally responsible for your child, and whilst it is great you have such a supportive network, your parents cannot be obliged to, for example, keep housing you and your child should the relationship deteriorate. An adopted child can have significant difficulties with attachment, and whilst living with three adults could be beneficial in some ways, it may also be difficult for their attachment process too. Most adoptions ask for a cocooning period to allow your child to bond with you and only you, and we had to continue some level of that for some time afterwards. It's about clearly establishing those very disrupted patterns, and that can be trickier when more than one or two adults are there. Even with two adults, that process is full of tricky moments, with three (two of whom are grandparents) it would probably be more difficult. It isn't about care being provided, like foster care, it is about the bond being protected.

I would also say that parenting my own children in front of my parents has been exceptionally difficult. There are lots of elements of power shift that they did not react well to, and this has disrupted our own relationship. I can imagine it would be much more stressful if I lived with them, they were professional parents AND they had been the ones who had previously had all responsibility for the child. I have had to make some parenting choices they fundamentally disagree with, and it is very hard for them to tolerate when I have to tell them that I'm doing what professionals think is best and actually their opinions don't trump those. Distance from them has helped us all ensure we can have breaks.

Adopting the child means that they would need their own room, which then cannot be used for your parents to foster, and it may well be that the child's needs as they grow older mean they are not suitable to have foster children placed with them, which could have a impact on your parents income.

As other people have said, there is no guarantee you will be able to adopt this specific child either, I doubt a social worker would wait for you to be approved if you have not yet started the process, simply because it take such a long time. I owuld suspect that a baby who would be 10 months in December old would be quite quick to place, and most applications to be approved and matched for adoption take a year or more. Ours took just over a year, and everyone said we had been approved and matched really quickly.

The final thing to note is that you may not have the full story about the child. From my understanding, foster carers are not always made aware of everything, so it is worth, if you do decide to proceed, to guard yourself emotaoonally against disappointment should you find out not necessarily that a social worker won't approve you, but that something in the child's background would mean it wasn't an appropriate placement despite your best wishes.

I think your aims to adopt are laudable, and it is definitely something to think about in the future, or even to start the process now to find out what the requirements would be, and what moves you would need to make in order to secure it. Why not try attending an adoption information evening and asking a social worker from your LA about your position?

Littledove2001 · 07/06/2025 13:01

Thank you for all your valid points for me to consider. I do want to say that I have done majority of the care for this little boy and have such a bond has grown that he looks for me when my mum has him and even this morning he gave such beautiful response to when he saw me. The only time I haven’t been helping has been when I’m at work so evenings, weekend and schools holidays I care for the baby as we also have 2 other boys too. I completely understand it wouldn’t be easy as I’m not naive to raising kids especially challenging ones. I’ve been hands on with other foster kids previously since I was 11 years old. My parents also fostered and adopted me too so I’m aware of the challenges that come with adopted children as I was one. I do appreciate all opinions but despite being 24 which is young I’m not naive. I also have nearly 50k in savings to go towards a house deposit but wanted to add to it to get a nice place of my own plus to have lower mortgage repayments but currently pay rent to my parents to live at home. My parents are also considering this to be the last placement too. Adopting the baby is something I’m seriously considering but once we know the outcome at their final court hearing in December then will voice it. I’ll be 42 when he’s 18 and to be honest I’d rather be a younger mum than an older one. Thank you everyone for your valid points tho.

OP posts:
Ted27 · 07/06/2025 15:27

@Littledove2001

You sound lovely, and your personal experience means you will have so much to offer.
It's not for me to say whether you should or shouldn't adopt this baby, and Im sure you would be a fantastic mum for him.
However, I think you should protect yourself here, and possibly have a conversation sooner rather than later with the SWs.
Whilst you may be caring a lot for him, him, your parents are the foster carers with responsibily for him. To adopt you will have to be assessed and approved.
Now, if it is decided that the plan for him is to be adopted, his SW may well think you are the perfect solution. But if you dont speak until the orders are made, they may not want to hang around until you have been through that process. Although foster to adopt could be an option for you.
Im worried for you that you seem to be making a lot of assumptions and you need to look after yourself
I really would advise you to speak at least to your parents about it.

Littledove2001 · 07/06/2025 16:06

@Ted27 thank you Ted
youve made some good points. What assumptions do you think could making. Just curious. Thank you for advice tho

OP posts:
Ted27 · 07/06/2025 16:47

@Littledove2001

I think you may be assuming that you would be approved to adopt in your current circumstances, and that you would then be approved for this particular baby.
On the other hand if the child's SW knows you would be interested, they would be able to advise you about whether or not it would be a possibility

Littledove2001 · 07/06/2025 17:07

@Ted27 ah ok I see what you mean. Thank you. I understand and appreciate all the points you have mentioned so thank you

OP posts:
Ilikethefireside · 07/06/2025 20:04

Hello, I'm a foster carer, and I do know a family where the daughter of the foster carers put herself forward to adopt her parents' foster child. It all worked out well, and the carers were happy that the little boy became their grandchild, so they had a continuing relationship with him.

I would urge you,as others have, to speak up about your wish to adopt asap. The process of being assessed to adopt takes months. There's no guarantee even if you started the process today that you would be approved by the time this little boy's final court hearing took place.

I know plenty of foster carers who have gone on to adopt their own foster child, it's not uncommon. But I also know within my circle of foster carer friends of at least three carers who didn't speak up about their wish to adopt their foster child until the placement order was granted, then to be told that the sw had got a family already lined up to adopt and they couldn't wait until the carers went through the adoption approval process as it wouldn't be fair on the child to wait.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Littledove2001 · 08/06/2025 09:59

@Ilikethefireside thank you for your comment it’s quite reassuring. Can I ask did your friend (foster carers) daughter still live at home with them. I will definitely email the child’s social worker to see what chance I may have. Thank you

OP posts:
Ilikethefireside · 08/06/2025 17:05

The young woman I knew was living separately from her parents by the time she adopted the little boy, and I think she was a few years older than you. But she was single, and also someone who hadn't necessarily been thinking about adoption before this little boy came into their lives.

Littledove2001 · 08/06/2025 18:43

@Ilikethefireside ah ok thank you. Definitely something to think about. I have savings for a deposit it’s just the mortgage payments that make it tricky. My age and living arrangements I hope won’t be an issue.

OP posts:
Fruitbat99 · 09/06/2025 18:31

Based on my experiences i think you'd stand a good chance. There currently aren't enough adopters for the children needing homes. And hopefully you'll have the support of your family. In the training I did last year, they made a really big thing of family support and 3 of the adopters they had come in to speak to us were living with extended family. I think you sound really kind and caring. I've got my fingers crossed for you.

Littledove2001 · 09/06/2025 21:37

@Fruitbat99 thank you so much that’s very kind of you. I’ve always wanted to be a mum whether that was my own or adopted because of my own upbringing being adopted. I believe I’d be an amazing mum and so far I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’m nearly 24. I’ve always wanted kids before I’m 30. I’m just hoping my age isn’t an issue.

OP posts:
Fruitbat99 · 10/06/2025 01:32

Littledove2001 · 09/06/2025 21:37

@Fruitbat99 thank you so much that’s very kind of you. I’ve always wanted to be a mum whether that was my own or adopted because of my own upbringing being adopted. I believe I’d be an amazing mum and so far I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’m nearly 24. I’ve always wanted kids before I’m 30. I’m just hoping my age isn’t an issue.

It shouldn't be. Most agencies and local authorities say you need to be over 21. I saw a lot of people on my course in their mid twenties and people I follow online are the same. I think the fact you are already his care giver is the biggest plus going for you. Just make it known early on that you are keen to be assessed, don't leave it too late as that might come across non comittal.

Littledove2001 · 10/06/2025 07:29

@Fruitbat99 thank you
do you know many adopters that were my age. Are you approved as an adopter then? How did the training go? Any informations would be great.

OP posts:
Littledove2001 · 10/06/2025 08:17

@Fruitbat99 also were there many people you did the course with that my age and single and living at home still wanting to adopt.

OP posts:
Fruitbat99 · 10/06/2025 19:46

Littledove2001 · 10/06/2025 08:17

@Fruitbat99 also were there many people you did the course with that my age and single and living at home still wanting to adopt.

Yes I've I was approved in April. There was a couple on the course who were 25. And one of the couples who came in to speak were 24 and 26. And one of the single ladies who came in to speak to us had adopted 2 children ten years ago, then 2 more 5 years ago and then 2 siblings of the second pair of siblings last year. So 6 in total. She was single and living with her mother.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page