how to deal with an adoption breakdown?

[Giftedsquirrel]

this could be a long read but ill try and get all the relevant information in.

Me and my husband adopted two children (we could have our own but just decided to adopt instead) we adopted siblings boy 7 girl 6 about 10 years ago it was finalised.

things were difficult, the kids came with trauma and had challenges but we did our best, although in hindsight we wasnt told everything and there was alot missed out.

Social services (SS) washed their hands of the kids as soon as they were adopted and didnt answer any requests for help over the years when we needed it.

The main issues were with our daughter, who would often challenge boundaries which got increasingly difficult over the years, we tried to get therapy or support but again nothing ever materialised from SS, she would often lie and manipulate her friends, she would steal and frame her brother for it, lots of safegaurding issues at school and behavioural stuff.

Then when she was 13 she started getting violent, mostly attacking my husband but also me as well. it escalated when she then started bruising herself and blaming my husband or her brother, this was unearthed when we installed cameras in the house as mistrust was rife, but ironically was the only time SS wanted to know, and thankfully video evidence was the only thing which highlighted the issue other than them wanting to blame my husband, (i questioned him too at the time and it was a huge strain on us)

throughout the time she lived with us she would frequently tell us she hated us, she then started going missing and running away frequently and at 14 we finally got some respite time, where our son revealed he was being assaulted almost daily by her while on the way to school etc out of our view.

during respite she assaulted the foster carer and ran away saying she didnt want to come back, she also assaulted a police officer who tired to bring her home, and there were three foster carers who equally said they couldnt cope with her behaviour

at this point we unearthed documents saying the kids only had a trauma bond and shouldn't have been placed together and was likely why they were so volatile towards each other, my husband had a bit of a breakdown and our daughter went into residential care while we had some breathing space.

He then sadly took his own life blaming himself for failing as a parent in his note.

a year later while im still picking up all the pieces my son still lives with me and were getting on fine (as best we can), my daughter is in care still with a care order and i share parental responsibility, likely until she is 18. (2 yrs) theres still many incidents of assault, absconding etc which is more than i can deal with.

SS are pushing for contact with my son who has said he dont want to contact her, i also struggle with it all too, i have PTSD from finding my husband and generally just about coping the best i can right now and find their involvement all a bit much, (too overbearing, countless meetings during the 9-5 working week when i need to work to pay the bills etc) im a single parent now and its tight, let alone the washing, house work etc, im barely keeping on top of everything and feel if i stop juggling everything will collapse.

i cant be the parent she needs right now i know that, but i also feel guilty for almost giving up, i guess the same way my husband felt, we dont have any connection left between us, she still hates me and verbalises that each visit, at some point i should say no right? for my own mental health as these visits are not productive or in the interest of anyone, the hardest thing is when im with her im reminded of all the past yet SS seam to want to push them on us.

at 16 she is old enough to make decisions on her own, much like my son who is nearly 18

on the flip side i have a wonderful son, he's polite, did great in his GCSEs despite us being told he would struggle to pass anything and he couldn't read or write when he came to live with us, hes even got a well paid apprenticeship and is doing really well, so i cant be a terrible parent?

i think what makes it the hardest is i dont know anyone else who has adopted, or more specifically anyone whos adopted whos had challenges and a subsequent adoption breakdown, its like no-one talks about these.

has anyone been through something like this, any words of wisdom?

I haven’t been through disruption but I didn’t want to read and run. You’ve been through an incredibly tough time, I’m so sorry for your loss.

Adoption breakdown often has very little to do with the quality of parenting - there are many complex factors involved and Honestky sometimes all the intervention in the world won’t prevent some adoptions breaking down. It’s easy to blame yourself, especially when I know some professionals do a good job of not so subtly implying that if you just do X,Y or Z everything would be fine.

The reality is that despite research, different practice models and interventions we just don’t know enough about what works for individual children. Some really need a family home environment and some just don’t cope with that and actually would benefit from residential care. I think too some young people are so harmed by their early experiences all we can do is try to hold them safely while they go through their teens years with stronger intervention in adulthood. That takes good, intuitive professional care rather than a parent feeling their way through. I can hear your care for your daughter while also recognising actively parenting her just now is too much to manage.

You can reduce or change contact with your daughter if you’re just not managing for now - no one would judge you for that. You could keep in regular phone, email, text contact, or agree a longer gap between visits. It’ll be important to communicate why they need to reduce but prioritising your mental health is essential. Your son at nearly 18 can make his own decisions about contact with his sister, no one can force him to attend and again, it’s understandable if he can’t manage just now.

You sound incredible to have done so much under such pressure, well done.

@Giftedsquirrel
I'm so sorry for everything that's happened to you and your children. Your poor husband must have been in so much turmoil- you have all been let down so badly.
Of course you aren't a bad parent, look at your son, he's doing well because of everything you've done. That your daughter has had so many problems is not your fault. She has been failed by many people, but not you and your husband.

I'm lucky to have had a very successful adoption. But I do know three people whose children have had to go back into care in their mid to late teens and a number of families who have hung on at great cost.
Of the three who disrupted, two have managed to salvage a relationship of sorts but its taken a lot of time and very careful management. The young people remain in foster care. I doubt they will return to live with the family. The third is too recent to say which way it will go.

My personal view is that you should probably withdraw from visiting her for now. The loss of your husband must still be very raw for both you and your son. I don't think its unreasonable to want to focus on your own mental health and coming to terms with what's happened to your family over the last few years. That doesn't mean abandoning her, you can write or call/text but that puts the control with you.
Please do keep posting here, there are lots of people around who have had serious struggles, you really aren't alone.

I am so sorry for everything you and your family have gone through. It sounds incredibly difficult and traumatising. I am very sorry for your loss.

We can only do what we can, and you clearly have done that, and more. Your son is thriving and that it because of everything you have done for him. There is no benefit if you two crumble. That's why I think you need to prioritise yourself and him at this time and have as much or as little contact as you need to recover.

I think very often adoptive parents are being told to look after themselves, but are then expected to continue to live in highly traumatising family circumstances. The - at times disastrous - effect on siblings is also often ignored, particularly once those siblings are 18 or over. All attention is given to the child with challenging behaviour—until the rest of the family is left in pieces. We have not disrupted, but we have had incredibly challenging times, and we have considered the need for different living arrangements for one of my children to protect their sibling and ourselves.

I very much hope you and your son can get help and move forward, and that your daughter will get better once the teenage years are over.