Statistical information about adoption/adoption issues

[Marieme]

DH and I are considering adoption. I’m trying to find information about it to make a decision as to whether or not we are capable/ready to adopt a child. My main concern is our DS and any impact it may have on him.

I know all adopted children will have trauma but the extent of it alongside SEN is what concerns me.

DH has SEN, attends mainstream school and was quite difficult during ages 2-5 but I feel we handled it ok, obviously difficult and times and we still have issues but manageable.

However I’m not sure I could handle a child with really complex needs. I see people on these boards talking about adopting an older child so developmental milestones can be checked and we’re only at the discussion stage, we haven’t even contacted an agency but just wanted to get peoples opinions?

Adoption is a gamble. If you adopt younger, the child might have less trauma, but more developmental uncertainty. If you adopt older, the child might have more trauma, but less developmental uncertainty. However, even those two statements have tons of exceptions in reality. Everyone reacts differently to trauma and you don't know what will happen further down the line.

We adopted two children aged 5+ who were meeting all their milestones but had a ton of risk factors. They were thriving in every way and were very strong academically until Y6.

Secondary broke us. Horrible things happened and keep happening. Currently both my children have EHCPs and severe health and mental health problems. I am still hopeful for both of them though. They are the most amazing people.

You could read the Selwyn report https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/beyond-the-adoption-order-challenges-intervention-disruption

and AUK'S Adoption Barometer (2024 is the most recent one):
https://www.adoptionuk.org/news/record-crisis-levels-for-adopted-people

@Marieme

Whilst the two reports mentioned above are worth reading, I'm not convinced that statistics are a good basis for individual decisions where adoption is concerned.
It's good to know and understand the risk factors but applying them to your own situation is more of an art than a science in my view.
All any adopter can tell you is their individual experience. So this is mine. I adopted a nearly 8 year old 13 years ago. He was taken into care at 4, he was electively mute and did not speak until he was 5. He attended special school and was significantly behind academically.
Whilst ever hopeful, his Child Placement report was pretty dire and the last words I ever thought I'd hear myself say 11 years later were sonofTed is off to university. But here we are, end of his second year, living independently, running a car, has tons of friends. He's never met a developmental milestone in his life. He's done life at his own pace because I've enabled him to, I never worried about SATs and catching up for example. He got to places in his own good time.
It's not been plain sailing, we have had challenges particularly in the teen years. I can see when I look at others experiences that we were incredibly lucky with our schools and other people who came into our lives at different times along the way. I'm pretty sure that certain people who knew him when he was 4 would be astonished at what he has achieved, because if I'm honest I am. I am of course incredibly proud of him and his biggest cheerleader (much to his embarrassment ! )
The argument will always rage about adopting babies v older children. I know many adopters who adopted older kids and have had a much much tougher time than me and would tell you to run a mile from an 8 year old. Equally I know many adopters who adopters babies and have children with similar or significantly more challenging children than I did.
It's a gamble. You have to decide if things are worth the gamble.
As you have a child with additional needs you obviously have some idea of the challenges. But adopted children often have more more complex, layered needs. So my son has ASD so has the difficulties which come from that. His biggest challenge however has come from a crippling lack of self esteem and feeling of worthlessness because 'daddy gave me away'. It took 2 years of therapy to unblock that.

I think you need to be clear why you want to adopt in the first place and what are you prepared to risk.
By far your biggest risk is your existing child. What impact would a sibling have on them, in terms of your time and material considerations. Look into the future- you don't give any indication of the level of your child's additional needs- what's their long term outlook, will they be able go work and live independently as or will they need significant support into adulthood.
How old is your child? If they are still quite young and adoption is something you really want to do an option is to wait until they are older.

The last thing I would say is that most people on forums are usually in the thick of it. It's very easy to think adoption land is all doom and gloom and a never ending story of misery. Most of us are really quite ordinary, we work, the kids go to school, we have holidays and nice Christmases. We may have to manage things very carefully but we do it. I know plenty of families like mine where they are out the other side, the adult children are making their way in the world, at uni or college, apprenticeships, working - being successful on their terms. I do also know families where problems continue into adulthood.
So it really is a balance of risks which only you can decide
Good luck !

Thanks, I’ve been reading the links.
yes DS will live independently and I know the term Asperger’s/mild are no longer used but he would be mild in my opinion. Issues have been wetting, soiling, not sleeping, night terrors, stimming, obsessions, AFRID, PDA, tantrums and not wanting to go to school to name some but he has come on a lot. I believe I could handle a child of his level but I do worry about a child that could not live independently or was violent.