'But you are my forever family so you have to help me"

[user1471464167]

I have been thinking about those words that came in as part of one of the 289 emails I had jid weel from one of our adult ( mid 30's) adoptees . Some were short eg "selfish, savages,you don't listen " others longer. "You adopted us as a project so your friends thought you were good people "( he is one of 4, of 2 sets of brothers adopted at 8 nd 6 and 7 nd 6) the background is we have stopped being guarantors for his rent. ( he has defaulted loads of times despite working on and off and we have ended up having to pay out about 30k over the last 6 years) we have also paid off other debts . He is furious with us and the onslaught of 289 emails in 3 days is because we won't back down and pay out about 600 towards his latest debts ( we sent him 250 towards food ) he gambles amd wont go for help with step change or addiction services . He has threatened suicide frequently and has said he will get his friends to stand up at his funeral and say we were crap parents ( our 3 other adult children don't agree and are fed up with the pressure he puts us under) he chose to move back to the area his birth family live in about 9 years ago. He has borrowed so much money from them ( they are all in working some in highly paid jobs) they want nothing to do with him. He has a diagnosis of PTSD and personality disorder . But the latest emails that went into my spam ( he is blocked on what's app/phone and I thought my main email ) have been very manipulative. Interestingly though it was the one saying as forever parents we should support him forever that got to me. Social workers use the term freely. And we often said we are your forever family ( he and his brother had 8 previous moves). He is very jealous of his younger brother who recently bought a flat and an older sister who remained in care but who we have always had contact with and who has a professional Job. I realised that in seeking to reassure him that we would always be there for them we opened ourselves up to being accused of failing them when we don't act how they want us to act. What do others think of the term forever family ?

I think forever family can be helpful for kids to have a sense of permanence but can also see how your son is using it as emotional blackmail.

I guess the shape of families and the duties of parents change over time. There’s a point in adulthood when children need to forge their way in the world, make choices and live with those choices. I don’t know any parents who will support their adult children financially indefinitely - absent disabilities or lack of capacity.

Being there for him doesn’t mean financially supporting him, from what you’ve said he doesn’t sound like a young adult in need of help setting out. You can support him by helping I’m access supports and services, by helping him budget, access healthcare etc - which is what families do. Being a forever family means all kinds of things and looks different depending on the family but he knows it’s a vulnerability for you and so is pressing that button.

The term helps children understand the concept of adoption, so it can be helpful. However, being there for someone can mean a dose of "tough love" and I think you are in such a situation. He views you as a safety net, using your support to avoid taking full responsibility for his own actions. It must be difficult for him to be surrounded by successful people and to struggle so much himself, but paying for him won't change that. Like Jellycat says, you can be there for him in other ways.

@user1471464167

This sounds very tough.
Forever family does not mean bailing him out to the tune of 10s of thousands of pounds so he can can and do the same again.
He has been very fortunate that you have had the financial capacity to do that. I would not have been able to do that
And I hope you haven't placed your own financial security at risk.
I agree with jellycats that he's pressing that button. So get him a supermarket gift card so ge can get food, or pay his gas/electricity if you feel you must give financial support. Make it conditional on him engaging with services.
But you know he is trying to manipulate you. So don't let him.
As pp says forever family is a phrase used to help children understand adoption.

He is adult and needs to shift his perception of what it means, to understand that he does need to take some personal responsibily.

To me forever family does not mean giving someone what they want without question, it giving in to threats from an adult throwing a toddler tantrum.
Sometimes it means tough love, spelling things out, being clear about what you can and can't do, but also that family is about giving, not just taking

Thank you for your feedback. We were fortunate that we could live on one salary and use my part time salary to pay for the rent he defaulted on. Although it meant less holidays abroad or new furniture for us . When we agreed to be guarantors we had no idea we would be liable til he moved out or was evicted . I retire end of June and no way could pay his rent . So we withdrew from being guarantors in Feb . He has now been given an eviction notice. We know he will become street homeless in his home town which he moved back to 9 years ago But as people have said he needs tough love. He has no interest in a deeper relationship with us . Just what he can take from us or his birth uncles . ( who are lovely and who came to his brothers wedding 2 years ago )

So it's the end of the road for him in terms of being manipulative as we will not bail him out again. My Brother in Law who lives 8 miles from him ( we are about 100 miles ) has offered countless times to go round with food and to topup his electric. But he has always refused that help as he wants money.We have researched local agencies/ debt projects etc and signposted him to them .
We are downsizing this summmer and buying a flat. We won't tell him our new address in case he turns up. He wants to move back home and live with us rent free etc He will always have access to my husbands email but he does not use the same emotional manipulation with him.

As Ted says it is about learning to give and not just take. To show care and respect. . If withdrawing all support forces him to grow up and take responsibility we will be open to developing an adult relationship with him
Although there have been tricky times with our other 3 sons we know they love and respect us .
Thank you all for your feedback

Being there for someone, doesn't mean bankrolling them. Hes manipulative. I feel for you, but you're going to have to keep putting your foot down with him. Easier said than done, I know. Although I wouldn't compare him to your other 3 sons.

I've just read your post and can completely empathise. We have two adopted sons - they are both adults now. Our youngest has rarely caused any problems and is loving and kind. However, our eldest son is quite the opposite. He is currently back at the family home (long story) and is manipulative, aggressive and takes but never gives. He went through some very difficult times as a teenager and we tried whatever help was available. Mental health is a term used all too easily these days but he really does need help but won't agree to getting any. Until he does, he's on a path to self-destruct. I found your comment about how your son doesn't use the same emotion manipulation on your husband as he does with you. It is the same with us.