Well meaning but annoying platitudes

[SuperAunt08]

Don’t get me wrong we all need some praise now and then but does anyone else hate the well meaning ‘I think what your doing is amazing’, ‘you’re angels for doing what you’re doing’ etc?!
We all know life can be bloody hard with our children and sometimes I just want to vent and say I’m not doing great actually!
I get it that people with ‘easy’ children or no children just don’t understand the day to day struggles but we had a session with our child’s new therapist today and we were very honest with our struggles at the moment and I just wanted to scream when he said ‘You’re doing an amazing job’ with a sweet smile.

Yeah I get it.

It's way more nuanced and annoying and gritty than all of the sugar and spice that people are determined to paint over it.

The problem is that you are then pushed into having to explain why sometimes it feels like you are aren't actually doing a great job, or you are worried you are doing it wrong, or are doing it right but have complicated feelings over why you feel so resentful or knackered or irritated.

Plus, it almost gives the impression that they think you adopted to get approval from them.

I know they probably mean well, but I know what you mean. I don't really want to be told I'm great by someone I'm confiding in at that level, I want to be told that they recognise how bloody hard it is, that whatever situation I'm telling them about is crappy and they understand why I'm now wailing over tiniest interaction.

If they think I'm over reacting, I want them to tell me that (and I feel a good therapist should be able to do that in a safe way).

My kids are great, but traumatised, and living with traumatised kids full time is hard. My nervous system is in tatters, it's hard to draw on resources because other people can't handle their behaviours and it has been 2.5 years and we are literally just now managing to find the capacity to sometimes chill and vibe as a family unit. The residual exhaustion doesn't go away, and hearing all that then telling me I'm doing a great job is so bloody patronising...

It's one thing coming from strangers because ya know.... small talk and that. But it's your bloody therapist! Can you tell them from the off that you don't want to hear that? That you want to unpick more of the complicated gory details because praise is not your motivating factor in this particular space?

Thank you!
yes you totally get it and explained it so much better than I had the energy to.

we had a great therapist who we had all started to build a good relationship with and she would say ‘sometimes it’s shit and I want to hear the shit bits’ but due to unforeseen circumstances we had to get a new therapist and it’s just exhausting starting all over again!

The only people I want to hear that from is fellow adopters - because we are doing an amazing job with our children, but I think its only adopters who really understand why we feel we aren't doing a great job.
I don't think we give ourselves enough recognition.

I think both things can be true - I’m doing an amazing job, and there are things I’m falling down on. No matter how well we may be doing there are always going to be doubts because our parenting is complicated by a hundred things most parents never need to consider and I need someone to hear that. I find other adoptive parents get it, as do parents of kids with complex needs more than other professionals who generally want to reassure you rather than acknowledge you’re struggling, cos then they might need to actually support you.

In saying that any therapist worth their salt should be able to cope with you saying “actually right now I’m not doing a great job and I need you to hear that, not try to stick a plaster over it”. Sometimes you want to say how hard it is and just be accepted.

I used to get annoyed by social workers saying things like "it is so hard, isn't it? You are doing an amazing job." I felt it was just a technique and not genuine and there was no underlying understanding of how hard it really can be.

However, we then had a therapist who didn't say that stuff and who was quite sceptical of some of the things I was doing. I felt that she didn't understand, the sessions added to my stress and unfortunately history has proved me right. Due to that I have come to realise that although the affirmative statements are platitudes, I sometimes find them very helpful on an emotional level, even though rationally I know they are just a technique.

What irritates me is when people said your children are so lucky to have you! NO we wanted them.

Yes I hate this one too, bizarrely had many a professional say it to me who should know better, IROs, SWs etc. My children aren't lucky, adoption was the best out of a range of not brilliant options for them.

@mumof2many1943 you're an adoptive mum of disabled children too I think? My youngest is profoundly disabled, and it's relating to her when that sentiment really comes up. It saddens me as it makes me think she is completely 'unwantable' in the eyes of those that say it. She is hugely loveable and has enriched my life immeasurably, she's not lucky, I'm simply privileged to be able to be her mum.

Hi Oake yes I am that mum. Have adopted 6 with various disabilities 3 with Down Syndrome, sadly 2 have died but that comes with the territory but I hope we gave them a happy life. Sadly our youngest had to go into care when my lovely DH died as she was so complex it would have been dangerous to have all 4 at home on my own. I feel so guilty.
I hope your little one does well, the most important thing is love and care! Good luck

I think we can get quite defensive on the part of our kids. I’ve had various professionals say my kids are lucky to have me, always in the context of me fighting for them. I know the people concerned well enough to know they aren’t trying to minimise my kids experience - everyone involved knows it would have been better if they were able to be safely cared for by their birth family.

What they mean is, in the absence of capable birth parents, I’m the very best parent for my kids, and the best of some truly hard alternatives. That I have the knowledge, ability and determination to fight for their needs consistently in a way many parents don’t. To be honest, I take the compliment that’s intended because being an adoptive parent is a hard job.

I’m lucky to have my kids, I wish they hadn’t had the experiences they did that brought them to me. But of all the places they could have ended up, they’re best placed with me - not lucky, but definitely a gift of fate.

Due to that I have come to realise that although the affirmative statements are platitudes, I sometimes find them very helpful on an emotional level, even though rationally I know they are just a technique.

As a social worker and a therapist I don’t think I’ve ever used affirmation as a technique. If I’m affirming someone it’s because I believe it to be true. It is sometimes very hard, and people do an amazing job against all the odds. Sometimes people really need to hear that. It doesn’t take away from parents feeling completely stuck, or incompetent and it doesn’t mean they don’t need help. When you’re in the weeds, someone reminding you that no one else would have all the answers or know what to do instinctively, and that you’re doing well in the circumstances can really help find strengths to build on.

@mumof2many1943

You found yourself in an unexpected place and you needed to make a decision for the whole family.
I'm sure you made sure she went to a good place where her needs could be met. And I'm also sure you still see her and she is still a part of your life.

Try not to feel guilty.and take care of yourself x

I haven't adopted but do have an SGO for our granddaughter. The same platitudes apply. Prior to the judgement we were temporary foster carers for her. It was one of the most terrifying experiences of our lives. Assessment after assessment, managing contact with parents and the constant fear that the wrong decision would be made. People constantly told me I was doing a wonderful job and it got to the point where I couldn't listen to it. It felt as though the unspoken words were "but thank God it's not me" whilst backing away in case I asked for help.
I also saw a therapist throughout and had to stop because she kept referring to my son (who was part of the problem concerning removal of my granddaughter) "you're baby, he's you're wee baby" thereby causing me extreme distress because I couldn't think about him and my granddaughter in the same headspace.

I agree the platitudes get very boring 🥱 and I’m not sure they are really sincere in the majority of cases. I find your given a platitude and then the giver feels they have a green light to ask you questions which arnt appropriate - like why did there parents give them up 🙄 I find it exhausting.

the biggest issues with the platitudes I think are that they make me feel a total hypocrit because I just think if you lived with me you wouldn't say that. It makes me feel unable to be real without fear of judgement .

I have 3 friends who I met at the end if my adoption leave. I'm the only adopter but they all have children and husbands with autism/ADHD, bi polar. We've been having breakfast together every Friday for 12 years so we have got to know each other very well.
At the moment my life is the calmest of the lot. They all have a lot of very heavy stuff going on.
We can say anything to each other, the ' normal' families would be horrified to hear what we talk about. Sometimes the humour is very black.
I think the reason why we can say to each other your doing a great job is because we understand just what we are dealing with. One of them has a young person who has had multiple suicide attempts. We can tell her she's amazing because she never gives up, whatever gets thrown at her, she is still there battling sometimes literally for her daughters life.
We can say those things because we know for some of us 'success' means just having everyone safe in bed at night, we know what it's taken to get there and when we look at the the 'ordinary' families, ours just look like mayhem and we just feel exhausted and at a loss.
When people not in the 'club' say it I always wonder if there is an unspoken glad its you and not me at the end if it.

I hear you @flapjackfairy that's how I often feel too.