Developmental concerns about friend's potential match

[Mnki]

I understand I’m not directly involved in the adoption process, and it’s not really my place—but I’ve been supporting my friend and her husband throughout their adoption journey so far, and I was one of their references. I was genuinely thrilled when they were linked with a little girl. Even though it wasn’t confirmed yet, my friend was so excited that she decorated a bedroom and filled a wardrobe with clothes in the right size.
Recently, she mentioned there have been some concerns about the child’s development, but she said it doesn’t change anything for her. I’m beginning to worry she might be so emotionally invested that she’s unable to look at the situation objectively. She’s been quite vague on the specifics, but it seems this little girl has been seeing paediatrics since birth (having been removed at birth and placed in foster care), and she hasn’t been meeting developmental milestones. It sounds like further assessments/tests are now being planned.
I’m trying not to pry, as I know I’m not entitled to the details—but when I’ve gently asked, she’s mostly dismissed the concerns and said professionals are just ticking boxes. The social worker has reassured them that the child is expected to thrive in a stable, loving home.
I do still have some niggles—not just emotionally but practically. They have a large mortgage, and even going part-time would be practically difficult and financially challenging. Her husband is often away overnight for work. While she does have support from family and friends, if this little girl does have significant needs, I’m not sure we will be enough. I worry about the long-term strain it could place on her.
Given how reluctant she’s been to discuss things in detail and as a parent of two healthy, neurotypical children, I’m not sure I’m the best person to speak on this. Still, I’m a bit uneasy that the social worker seems to be downplaying things. Will the matching panel be looking seriously at these issues? I’m not suggesting they shouldn’t proceed—but I do think it’s important my friend has a realistic picture of what may lie ahead. I’d really appreciate any advice.

I understand the concerns and it could be that the social worker is being vague on purpose but I’d say you’re probably not the right person to express concerns to her more than you have done.
Maybe just ask questions here and there if you think they’ll help but don’t push.

If it helps, our LO came home 6 months ago and as part of our initial approval we had to provide financial forecasts showing our incomings and outgoings in a variety of circumstances, including us both working part time, me working 3 days, 4 days, full time and if I stopped working altogether. All done with a view of confirming we could meet our outgoings on one salary if necessary.

The approval process also heavily focused on what we could handle and we were pushed to be quite brutal about this, especially regarding any SEN and disabilities.

Your friend has likely been through similar and if her sessions with the social worker have been done correctly, she’s going in with her eyes open.

Maybe consider whether she’s downplaying it to you because she’s trying to keep back information that she feels you don’t need (when matching you are reminded that the history is the child’s story to tell, not yours)? Maybe she’s concerned you’ll judge if she says outright that there are some developmental delays (not saying she’s right to be, but it happens).

With regards to her husband, maybe they have a plan for him to be home more but she hasn’t told you?
FWIW my DH went away with work 5/6 times per year but he spoke to bosses and was able to delegate 5 of the 6 trips planned for year LO came home. We were both happy with that but I don’t remember telling anyone the plan.

Essentially, I’m saying to tread gently. Matching is a stressful time and I know I was scared our family and friends wouldn’t accept LO, even though there was no indication this would be the case (and it hasn’t been).

I would suggest she asks for an adoption allowance commitment up front, in writing, in case the girl's needs are so great she has to give up work - not income related either, as, if her husband is working, they will probably turn them down.

I get that you are concerned for your friend and have the best intentions but it is hers and her husbands decision and they will likely have had lots of discussions between themselves and with the SW that you aren't aware of, and as you have said, you don't know the details.

They will have taken finances and her husband working away during the approval process, as a previous poster mentioned we had to share financial projections for having 1 child or a sibling pair and for me returning to work full time, part time and not at all. All of this is taken into account before being approved.

My LO came home at 21 months old and she couldn't hold a spoon to feed herself, could only say 5 words and was very unsteady on her feet but no one once questioned our decision. She caught up with her peers very quickly and at 6 is now on the school running team, near the top of her class for maths and phonics and has no issues feeding herself. That's not to say we don't have our struggles but none of them are related to her development delay when we first had her.

Children in care have a paediatric consultation/review every 6 months so this being under a paediatrician from birth is normal and essential.

Many children have delays, and this is even more common in children who are adopted. A disrupted start to life, poor care, neglect, and of course genetic factors can all contribute to this.

Like a PP, my child also was classed as having some delay as a baby but is now, in mid/late primary and extremely strong academically and physically.

Even if the child is delayed or has health conditions which affect them, why do you think this matters? Do you think they wouldn’t love this child? Do you think they couldn’t provide them with the care the need? If not, what is your issue? If they have a big mortgage, they can downsize or rent. If they face stress because their child has additional needs, why do you think they can’t cope with that? People up and down the country face this every day but they still live and want their kids. Ask yourself honestly, is your concern really that YOU wouldn’t want to do this and therefore can’t understand why they would? Many non-adopted have prejudices like this and can’t understand people accepting child that isn’t ‘perfect’. What would you have done if your children had additional needs? Would you have loved them less?

These people are adults making informed choices and have probably had many conversations with social workers that they haven’t shared with you - and nor should they. None of my friends of family know my child’s background as it’s none of their business and my child has a right to privacy.

It may be that your worries come from a good place but really, this isn’t your concern and you need to step back and let them make their own decisions.

Just to add, both my girls DID have a lot of additional needs. But they were manageable. Both went to sen schools. I got dla for both of them and carer's allowance for me so money wasn't a huge issue. Anyway, the thing is, other people I knew who adopted children with no known needs struggled much more than I did. Sen throws a protective ring around vulnerable children. At secondary, my friend's daughter was getting into county lines drug dealing after school while mine were in a taxi being driven home for a hour.

You can't say that this child will be harder to parent than another.

@Mnki
I'm sure your ' niggles' come from a good place but I'm not sure I understand what you are seeking advice for.
Your friends have been through a rigorous assessment and been approved to adopt.
They have far more information about this child than you do and however 'gently' you ask, as you say you are not entitled to any information.
Your friends will be making an informed decision. Many, if not the majority of adopted children will have some level of additional needs.
As adopters we accept adoption brings risk and uncertainty. How much is up to individual adopters to decide.
If you really want to support your friends, stop asking questions and just be there. Accept this child for who they are.
I'm very fortunate - my son arrived age 7 very academically delayed and attending special school. He is now at university. He is taking a more traditional route to 'success' but please bear in mind that success takes many forms. This child's path through life may well take a very different path to your children's. But they can still be successful on their own terms.

One of the things about adoption, for people on the periphery, is that it sounds lovely. Give a child a home? Of course. How lovely. Why wouldn’t I support that.

The reality of modern adoption is that the vast majority of children will have some form of developmental delay, all will have additional support needs, some of those needs are very complex indeed. There really aren’t any perfect, relinquished babies in the UK, even children placed in infancy will have experienced adversity pre-birth that impacts them.

Children in care are routinely monitored by paediatricians as part of the local authority corporate parenting duties, that’s not unusual at all, nor is the need for further assessment and testing.

All adopters need to have contingency plans for work, finances, childcare because there are lots of uncertainties. Your friend will have had to consider this as part of their assessment process. That doesn’t mean there won’t be bumps in the road, or that everything will be perfect. It does mean that as far as possible they are making an informed decision.

I imagine your friend may be reluctant to answer your questions because she knows you have concerns, and she doesn’t want to talk about their very private decisions. I adopted 8 years ago, my friendship circle is very different now than it was pre-adoption partly because some people were judgmental about my kids, couldn’t offer the promised support when it came down to it and clearly viewed my kids as “less than”. For every one of them it started with them asking “gentle” questions about my kids, their background, our finances, my kids capacity. It them followed with unspoken “I knew it” when I inevitably struggled with the transition to parenting two small, traumatised children.

I’m sure you mean well, but it really is your friends decision. Her heart might well rule her head, but it’s still her choice. She might end up feeling overwhelmed - most of us do. Her life will certainly change in ways she can’t even imagine. The only question for you is whether you’ll support her unconditionally and without judgement.

Its not really your place to be questioning her judgment on this. They will have gone through what she could and couldn't cope with when looking at matches and there are so many unknowns when adopting. Shes never going to know fully of how a child is going to develop when adopting.

If you truly want to support your friend, read up on adoption. Read Sally Donovan's "No Matter What", Dan Hughes' "Building the Bonds of Attachment", Bruce Perry's "The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog" or listen to podcasts like "Creating a Family".

Adopters are risk-takers and adoption is certainly not for everyone, but that doesn't mean it isn't the right thing for your friend.

So, like I said, I adopted two girls with a lot of developmental issues - they were both supposed to be fine, but it wasn't that simple.

A couple of weeks after they came to live with us, one of my best friends invited us to her daughter's party. She had two girls too, about the same age.

And that was the last time I ever saw her. She completely ghosted me, as did a joint friend.

Please don't do that. It's the single most upsetting thing that ever happened to me.

Just wanted to share an update after taking some time to reflect on everything that’s been said.

I recognise that this really isn’t my place. When I mentioned asking 'gently', I truly meant just acknowledging things and asking a few questions—nothing more. I was careful not to share too many details in the original post to avoid being too identifying. There are valid reasons why health professionals are involved, and further testing is being arranged for the child.

I really regret if I’ve come across as unsupportive. Early in the approval process, my friend had said she wasn’t open to a match involving significant SEN or FASD, so this change has been unexpected. I understand that adoption often involves trauma and that “straightforward” situations are rare. Someone pointed out that they might be able to downsize or manage stress—but my concern came from not wanting them to face overwhelming pressure or financial hardship.

I now understand that, for her, this child is already her daughter—emotionally, that bond is already there. With that in mind, I’m absolutely committed to supporting her going fo
rward.

@Mnki

I think you've been quite brave to come back- some of our comments must have been hard for you.
It's really great that you've been able to reflect and for what it's worth I think you will be great support for your friend.
I think all adopters go on a bit of a journey about their fantasy child and the ones they end up with. What we need is people who go on that journey and learn with us.
My son is nothing like the one I imagined, in fact couldn't be more different but yet we are the perfect match for each other. Like you have observed about your friend, he was my child long before I ever clapped eyes on him. Adoption is a weird thing like that.
Do tell your friend about us, the first days and months are very hard going. We've all been there, we get it and will be here to offer support