Adopting older children (5+)

[DanSt]

Hi everyone!

My husband and I have just started the matching process. Since the beginning we've always said our preference was for a sibling group all aged under 3-4.

A couple of profiles have stood out to us and we're asking for more information. However one profile is of a pair just turned 6 and 7.

We know there can be a lot of pros to adopting older children in terms of already understanding their development etc but I just have a few concerns I wondered if anyone who has adopted older could weigh in on?

1. How easy was it to form attachments, both ways? Especially with children who until recently were having some contact with birth parents? Do they call you mum and dad because that's how they see you or because they've been told too?
2. How long are they "kids" for. I guess I always imagined having many years of playing with them, snuggling on the sofa, reading them stories, family days out before they became too independent for that. Does adopting a seven year old mean the potential decade of that you'd get with a two year old is reduced to 3/4 years?
3. How did you cope with missing out on the first 5+ years of their life? We always expected to have missed the first couple of years but five feels like quite a lot?

Sorry if lots of this comes across as naive or insensitive. As I said we've only just started researching the realities of adopting older children. I've always envisioned bringing home a 2 year old and so I am trying to picture what bringing home a six year old would be like.

Thank you all.

My two were 4 and 6 when placed with me. I knew I wanted older children for various reasons so wasn’t worried about the “missing” years.

My DD6 had developmental delay so presented as younger - more like having twins than two siblings 2 years apart. They are 12 and 14 now.

They called me mum from the outset but it was a name to them, rather than a relationship if that makes sense. Mum is what you call the female carer so that’s what they did. That changed over time as they realised they were with me full time. I think they needed to be with me longer than they’d been anywhere else to feel properly secure, which took a while.

It depends on what you mean by forming attachments. Attachment (as in attachment theory) is a longer term process with all adopted kids. Very often when people talk about attachment they mean bonding or relationship building. In terms of bonding that took a while for me with my DD, for various reasons but that can be the case with adoption and with birth children. You do need to be purposeful in your intent and your caregiving though - really making time for connection in a way you might not for a younger child where care is really needed in a very practical sense.

Attachment is an ongoing process, I’d say her attachment style with me is pretty secure now but it’s taken a lot of work.

In terms of being kids, we still enjoy family days out, cuddling on the sofa etc - it changes as they get older and it’s very much on her terms but she still needs her mum. I still sometimes read with her - we usually have a book we’re both reading and sometimes she’ll ask me to read a chapter to her. We did bedtime stories until she was 10, sometimes me reading, sometimes her reading. Yes the time they are small is shorter but you’ll develop things that are meaningful to you both.

I do feel I’ve missed things with both kids, lots of firsts I didn’t get to see. But there are other firsts - her first school party, her first school show, the first time she chose clothes to buy, our first hair cut and lunch out, the first time she went out independently etc. They all have their meaning and if missing her first 6 years means I get the rest of her life, I can live with that.

Her birth mum might have seen her first steps, and her foster carer might have seen her first day of school but I get to see the amazing young woman she is growing into. She knows me as her mum - always there for her, on her side, caring for her and cheering her on. She knows she has other family out there, and that’s hard because she has memories of them many of which aren’t good. But she knows she’s mine in every way that counts. I can live without her first 6 years in exchange for that.

Hi. You should have more of an idea of their level of needs at that age - but sometimes social services hold back on assessment so there is nothing negative to report.

As they are in school, I would want to know a lot about how they are doing there. Read between the lines. Are they in clubs, do they do sport? Are they getting any help?

A lot of the problems with parenting adopted children is not to do with attachment but additional needs like sen which adopters were often not told about.

Hi @DanSt

My son was just shy of 8 when he came home.
I'd second everything @Jellycatspyjamas said! But to add to a few things.
I was introduced to him as MummyTed27 but he dropped the Ted bit himself on the second day because it was just too much of a mouthful. But I'd agree with jellycats that mum is just a word, it takes time for them to understand that their own mum is special to them.
My son had been in foster care for 4 years, he was very ready for a mummy of his own. We bonded very quickly and have always been able to talk, but attachment is different. He's 21 in a few weeks and I still feel sometimes that he struggles with attachment.
Sometimes I wish there had been a few more years when he believed in Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy. No I didn't see his first steps or hear his first word.
But I was the one there when he learnt to ride a bike, get his uniform for secondary school, and packed him off to scout camp.
I was the one who was there when he decided to get baptised last year. I'll be there when he graduates from university and I might as well name drop, I'm his plus one at a Buckingham Palace reception next week.
We have had the most amazing 13 years so far, not without it's challenges but he is a wonderful son and I'm incredibly proud of him.
To be honest he wasn't the child I envisaged when I was at the matching stage. Although I wanted an older child, I wasn't thinking about an 8 year old. But his profile stood out head and shoulders above the rest. We were perfect for each other so his age faded away as an issue.
I think when you have a vision of the child you want to adopt and then you are presented with one who doesn't quite fit that, it right to ask questions.
But at the end of the day, their age is only one factor. Look at the whole child

Hi @DanSt

My son was just shy of 8 when he came home.
I'd second everything @Jellycatspyjamas said! But to add to a few things.
I was introduced to him as MummyTed27 but he dropped the Ted bit himself on the second day because it was just too much of a mouthful. But I'd agree with jellycats that mum is just a word, it takes time for them to understand that their own mum is special to them.
My son had been in foster care for 4 years, he was very ready for a mummy of his own. We bonded very quickly and have always been able to talk, but attachment is different. He's 21 in a few weeks and I still feel sometimes that he struggles with attachment.
Sometimes I wish there had been a few more years when he believed in Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy. No I didn't see his first steps or hear his first word.
But I was the one there when he learnt to ride a bike, get his uniform for secondary school, and packed him off to scout camp.
I was the one who was there when he decided to get baptised last year. I'll be there when he graduates from university and I might as well name drop, I'm his plus one at a Buckingham Palace reception next week.
We have had the most amazing 13 years so far, not without it's challenges but he is a wonderful son and I'm incredibly proud of him.
To be honest he wasn't the child I envisaged when I was at the matching stage. Although I wanted an older child, I wasn't thinking about an 8 year old. But his profile stood out head and shoulders above the rest. We were perfect for each other so his age faded away as an issue.
I think when you have a vision of the child you want to adopt and then you are presented with one who doesn't quite fit that, it right to ask questions.
But at the end of the day, their age is only one factor. Look at the whole child

Hi. I've not adopted yet. But just wanted to weigh in on the "kids" aspect. My daughter is 16 and still loves family days out and watching films together. She gets into my bed every night and stays until sleep time. I think all kids differ but lots are still very much "close" to their parents.

Mine were similar in age to the children you are drawn to and had also had contact fairly recent to them coming home to me. They are now late teens.

1. As for Ted above, I was introduced as Mummy Leo. Unlike for many others, my children did not initially use the label but instead avoided saying anything and opted for leading me by the hand when they wanted my attention.

A few months in, they started to refer to me as Mummy in front of other people, but it took a few more months before either would use it comfortably when speaking to me directly. One of my children has always felt less comfortable with 'Mum' but instead uses a nickname that came about through a very personal event and I quite like it!

One of mine appeared to decide at about 6 months in that I was in it for the long run - and has been a limpet ever since. I still get regular hugs and he is not beyond sleeping on my bedroom floor at times of major stress.

The other has a much more complex relationship with me and is not a natural hugger. He does however turn to me at times of both distress and joy.

1. Mine are still kids! At Easter we had the greatest fun spending time together on a beach (and they also still wanted an Easter egg hunt).

Yes I missed first steps and teaching them to ride a bike, but we still had many, many firsts of our own - first tooth falling out, first Christmas as a family, first holiday, first time at a farm show, first school prom, firat driving lesson - in fact, everything becomes a first because it is the first as a family.

Mine were quite late to stop believing in Father Christmas but even now we still do stockings. We made our own little routines - nothing major, just stuff at home for us - that have become our family traditions and I have no doubt they will maintain them if/when they have children.

I think I am probably quite lucky, but my children still enjoy spending time together as a family and we try to make sure we make time for this regularly.

1. Related to above really. I was never overly interested in the baby stages; I'd had plenty of nieces and nephews and spent lots of time with them when they were babies/toddlers. That felt enough for me. My mindset was that moving in day was Day 1. Day 1 of our family. For me, that meant It never felt as if I'd missed anything.

If you feel a connection and you feel you could parent these particular children, then go for it; find out more and see what happens.

Mine were 2.5 and nearly 8.
My relationship with my elder one is strained. It was hard because when at 13 she started usual teen pulling away we had only had 5 years to build attachments and I don't think we/I managed that well enough.
It was OK until 16 but we have had a difficult decade.
The younger one has been more straightforward, despite complete mh collapse 5 years ago. Our actual bond is solid.

Mine were 5 and 6 at placement and called me Mummy the minute they saw me. I think for my younger one it was just a word. She did not really understand adoption or the need for it. She went along, because the adults told her to. She missed her foster carer a lot at the beginning and asked why she could not stay with her. I said: "X is a foster carer and I am a Mummy and you needed a Mummy." She answered: "I wished X would be a Mummy, and you a foster carer." She was grieving, which was a good thing because it showed her attachment to her foster carer. She settled quickly and well with us and when the foster carer visited 3 months later and my daughter did not feel well on public transport, she came to sit on my lap not the foster carer's.

For my older one having a Mummy was something she had longed for for a long time. She did not want to be picked up by a foster carer, but by her Mummy like everyone else. She wanted her very own family and saw adoption as her ticket to happiness and that hasn't changed.

Mine were kids for a long time. My younger one believed in Father Christmas until just before secondary School and only stopped then, because I felt she needed to because others would make fun of her. She loved the magic and hung on as long as possible. They are 18 and 19 now and my 19 year old kissed me good night until about a year ago. She still cuddles with me. My relationship with my younger one is very difficult at the moment, but she still comes for hugs from time to time. Mine wanted to be little for a long time and given the choice would want to be babies with us now rather than be the age they are. They know they have a long way to go until maturity.

I spent a lot of time with babies and toddlers when I was younger and just accepted that mine were the age they were. It was a choice we made because older children's profiles spoke more to us. My two were still very little and we had lots of firsts. Plus, even if they done things before, they were still firsts doing them with us and they were firsts for me with them. There was no lack of excitement!

I could not be more attached to birth children and my children are attached to me. Even though I have an incredibly difficult relationship with my younger at the moment, when she wanted to talk to her birth mum for the first time in many years and we discussed this, she said "I have a proper mum, I don't need her. I am just curious." She is fighting me tooth and nail and makes lots of stupid choices, but she loves me and knows that I love her forever. I would say, my older one's attachment style has changed to secure due to the close bond we have.