Explaining divorce

[Sunflower16]

My DH left for another partner when L0 was 2. He decided adoption was to stressful ... to give some context, when it happened LO didnt even notice He had gone. L0s entire attachment was with me because I was the one giving 100% of the care. DH checked out soon after placement. Fast forward 4 years and L0 is a bright, kind, amazing 6 year old who is thriving. LOs dad takes him out once a week (all he wants) and LO has an absolute blast because it's always somewhere extremely fun and he gets spoiled rotten. Tonight, at bedtime, LO started crying and said he wished his dad lived in our house. Or context he also has flu and was exausted. It caught me completely off guard and I'm worried I didn't do a great job of replying. I gently explained that his dad has a different home because that is what he wants, that his dad loves him very much, that I love him and that all families look different and the most important thing is love between all the families houses. But ... I felt like a bit of a fraud because I feel like I'm painting a very rosey picture that is quite far from reality. I'd really just welcome a handhold and any advice on what else to say when this comes up again. Also any book recomendations. LO is the most incredible little human and I'm feeling heartbroken tonight that they are grieving and that maybe I'm not giving them all they need/deserve.

in my experience kids often blow things out of proportion when they’re ill and/or tired. My 7 year old, who is not adopted, sometimes comes out with things when she’s tired that don’t normally bother her at all. I just take it with a pinch of salt.

i think your answer was fine. If he continues to question things i would explain that sometimes grown ups fall out of love with each other and his dad decided he wasn’t in love anymore and that’s why he left. But he still wants to see LO so that’s why they see each other every week.

What an absolute scumbag. Why bother going through the whole process, just to walk away, bar his one day a week. I can imagine to a little person that would feel like a massive rejection, so its good your son has felt unphased up till now.

I think its natural to want an absent parent and to miss them, kids don't realise you won't all get along like the Brady bunch and your current situation it for the best. I'm sorry he's upset and you're feeling guilty, but you sound like a really great mum.

Your explanation sounds fine - it’s unfair of your ex to blame adoption when he clearly had an affair, but your child doesn’t need to know that at this stage. I’m also interested in your thought that your child didn’t even notice his dad had moved out. He may not have been able to express himself but he will have felt a shift at home and, at 6, be able to articulate some of that.

Hows your coparenting relationship with your ex now?

@Bestfadeplans thank you.

@Jellycatspyjamas I absolutely realise it sounds strange to say that he wasn't missed. I of course explained exactly what was happening at the time and talked LO through it. When I say he didn't notice it's because his dad was barely with us. Family life was to much for him so he left early, got back late, went for long hikes on weekends or away with friends. Meanwhile me and LO did all the things you do as a family surrounded by an incredible extended family who LO adores. LO probably has more time and better quality time with their dad now.

Coparenting is absolutely fine on the outside and breaks my heart on the inside. What happened was horrendous but LO is the centre of my universe and he will only ever see me model kindness and respect towards his dad. We have a family day once a month, celebrate LOs achievements as a family and they have their day out once a week. I'm doing the best I can to make absolutely sure this doesn't hurt LO.

You sound like you’re doing an incredible job, OP.