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Adoption

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Help! Kinship fostering

9 replies

alondonerabroad · 18/04/2025 19:47

I’ve just been assigned guardianship in a relatives will meaning I’ll be taking care of their teenage children. The eldest is truly a dick (notwithstanding the current situation and previous history). How can I keep my cool around foster child? Also, we have only just had the funeral and will reading hence how I know. The other parent is still alive but is incapable of parenting. What are the next steps apart from getting a solicitor? Thanks

OP posts:
Arran2024 · 18/04/2025 20:15

Hi. I suggest you try one of the kinship care groups like https://frg.org.uk/get-help-and-advice/who/kinship-carers/

If the teens are challenging, you might like to get some parenting support. There may be levels of trauma you don't know about or don't understand- it can be helpful to get some new ideas.

I did an NVR course once, with adopters and kinship carers. The kinship carers had all successfully raised their own children and were bewildered and angry that their tried and tested methods were not working with these children.

So do take up any offers of help.

Good luck.

https://frg.org.uk/get-help-and-advice/who/kinship-carers

alondonerabroad · 18/04/2025 20:37

Arran2024 · 18/04/2025 20:15

Hi. I suggest you try one of the kinship care groups like https://frg.org.uk/get-help-and-advice/who/kinship-carers/

If the teens are challenging, you might like to get some parenting support. There may be levels of trauma you don't know about or don't understand- it can be helpful to get some new ideas.

I did an NVR course once, with adopters and kinship carers. The kinship carers had all successfully raised their own children and were bewildered and angry that their tried and tested methods were not working with these children.

So do take up any offers of help.

Good luck.

Thanks. What’s NVR please? I don’t have children of my own through choice so whilst I absolutely am willing to step up to provide care I’m feeling quite resentful that the situation has been thrust upon me, especially with the child being so unruly.

literally only just found out about this so I’m still in shock and am aware I’m catastrophising. I’ll look on on the resource you linked and see what I can find out . Thanks

OP posts:
Ted27 · 18/04/2025 21:15

@alondonerabroad

It sounds like you were completely unaware of the situation.
It's a huge ask, particularly to go from no children straight to a challenging teenager.
It's admirable that you are willing to step up but guardianship does not necessarily mean that you have to do the caring, but that you ensure the children are cared for.
Please don't feel obliged to give any information here but my instinct tells me there is a big back story here. If social services are already involved in some capacity I'd start there. Legal advice is a good idea, particularly as there is a living parent.
Do they even want to live with you. Could the other parent not manage with a support system.
If you are already feeling resentment towards them, that will not go away and they will know and react accordingly.
Remember that the children will be in shock, probably frightened. You will need to pick your battles.
You've been placed in a very difficult position, I don't envy you. So proceed with caution and do come back - there is a lot of experience here

Torvy · 18/04/2025 21:20

Gosh that's really tricky.

NVR stands for non violent resistance, and it is linked with therapeutic parenting. It's a way of parenting that reduces demands on a child whose negative behaviours indicate they are overwhelmed, which it sounds like may be the case here.

A key thing to consider would be liaising with the young person's school and any other services that they are engaged with in order to get a fuller picture of where they are at and what can be done to support them. Most teens are dicks for a significant portion of their teenage years, try not to hold it against them too much!

The fact that you don't already have children may actually be helpful because you have fewer preconceived ideas about where the child "should" be at and no competing dependents (barring any other caring responsibilities) so you can be focused on exactly on what the child needs and parenting them how they need rather than how you had done something in the past or thought it should be done. However, I you were child free by choice, it's a big ask, and I should imagine you are feeling from the significant life changes.

Do you have any idea what the plan is moving forward? I would say that there is possibly some merit in familiarising yourself with adoption introduction strategies that, although aimed at younger children, provide a framework of transition for moving from one setting to the next. Silly things like having the same washing powder, knowing how much pocket money they get, knowing how to work the shower, you getting access to be able to monitor their social media, school records changed over, medical records changed, stuff like that will all need to be considered.

I also just wanted to acknowledge that I presume you have lost someone close or connected to you too. It's important to look after yourself and have this built into whatever care you will provide. Wherever possible lean on your support between to help you, to monitor and guide you both. Take time for yourself and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. It's ok to be angry, sad, mad, frustrated and relieved all at once, and caring for someone else who is traumatised and grieving can make your own burden even more difficult, especially if you are thrown in at the deep end.

Is there any specific information that you think would be helpful? Sometimes in unexpected and quickly changing situations it can be helpful for the internet hivemind to do some thinking, even if it just a list of questions to ask school when you meet with them or a list of stuff that teenage boys use on a daily basis. I'm sure people would be happy to help!

alondonerabroad · 18/04/2025 22:18

Thank you all. There is indeed quite a backstory, some of which Id be happy to share if not too outing. It’s 3 children (!!!) aged 13, 15 and 16. It was a sibling to whom I was very close. I’ve arranged the funeral and everything alone, with minimal input from the kids (normal to just get grunts from teenagers anyway), let alone in these circumstances.

Everything is prepared for school next Monday, they’ve been fed and watered and given the chance to grieve and talk about their deceased parent. The living parent, who has substance and alcohol issues, will obviously Legally have parental responsibility. They’ve all expressed a wish to have me as their guardian but the eldest tells me it was more fun before cos other parent let them stay out as long as they liked and were “really cool” about things.

Now I’d like to think I’m pretty cool hehehe but it all feels up in the air and like I’m just the practical servant whilst the other parent gets to mope about and indulge in substances. The two younger siblings are adorable, the eldest has always been a handful but I have managed before now to bring some order to their life. Right now, in theory, I KNOW I could make a difference in their lives for the better but in practice I’m flailing. I apologised the other day to the eldest for immediately jumping to the wrong conclusion and they gracefully accepted my apology, but I’ve since found out they actually already did what I thought they’d done. 😠 which compounded my anger. It feels like everyone around is just breathing a sigh of relief it’s not them having to take responsibility, giving me platitudes, telling me how well I’m doing and what an angel I am. I’m not able to grieve because I’m so angry and I’m in danger of repeating my childhood parenting experience and really punishing / shaming the eldest.

Sorry! this has turned into more of a rant, which is all I can really do until I find out the exact degree of responsibility I have been given. A solicitor’s appointment asap is in order I think.

hope this thread hasn’t been a drip feed.

OP posts:
alondonerabroad · 18/04/2025 22:22

alondonerabroad · 18/04/2025 22:18

Thank you all. There is indeed quite a backstory, some of which Id be happy to share if not too outing. It’s 3 children (!!!) aged 13, 15 and 16. It was a sibling to whom I was very close. I’ve arranged the funeral and everything alone, with minimal input from the kids (normal to just get grunts from teenagers anyway), let alone in these circumstances.

Everything is prepared for school next Monday, they’ve been fed and watered and given the chance to grieve and talk about their deceased parent. The living parent, who has substance and alcohol issues, will obviously Legally have parental responsibility. They’ve all expressed a wish to have me as their guardian but the eldest tells me it was more fun before cos other parent let them stay out as long as they liked and were “really cool” about things.

Now I’d like to think I’m pretty cool hehehe but it all feels up in the air and like I’m just the practical servant whilst the other parent gets to mope about and indulge in substances. The two younger siblings are adorable, the eldest has always been a handful but I have managed before now to bring some order to their life. Right now, in theory, I KNOW I could make a difference in their lives for the better but in practice I’m flailing. I apologised the other day to the eldest for immediately jumping to the wrong conclusion and they gracefully accepted my apology, but I’ve since found out they actually already did what I thought they’d done. 😠 which compounded my anger. It feels like everyone around is just breathing a sigh of relief it’s not them having to take responsibility, giving me platitudes, telling me how well I’m doing and what an angel I am. I’m not able to grieve because I’m so angry and I’m in danger of repeating my childhood parenting experience and really punishing / shaming the eldest.

Sorry! this has turned into more of a rant, which is all I can really do until I find out the exact degree of responsibility I have been given. A solicitor’s appointment asap is in order I think.

hope this thread hasn’t been a drip feed.

And yes I’m aware the eldest is quite rightly reacting to having been exposed to the chaos for long than siblings and their need to parent and protect the younger ones. I’m so mired in it at the moment that it’s only later when I reflect on my reaction (or my intended but not carried through) reaction that I’m able to acknowledge how much the eldest is hurting. And railing impotently at me rather than the living parent or the deceased one.

OP posts:
Arran2024 · 18/04/2025 22:45

Taking on a sibling group of three is no mean feat, especially as you have limited parenting experience and little enthusiasm for it. You are in a difficult situation. Please think carefully about whether this is for you. It will be worse for the children if you try and it breaks down xx

Ted27 · 18/04/2025 23:25

@alondonerabroad

I think at this point you are entitled to have a bit of a rant.
A couple of things I'd say to you now.
Put your own oxygen mask on first - you need some space for your own grief, if there is other family around they need to.do their bit. You can't give to these children if you are pouring from an empty cup.
If you get to the end of the day and everybody is fed and everyone is in bed, you've actually achieved a great deal. Don't underestimate how challenging that can be, even without the difficult circumstances.
It says a lot that they all want you to be their guardian. But I do think that you should be able to sit down with the 16 year old and have an honest conversation with them. Make it clear that there have to be boundaries, house rules and agreement about what is acceptable behaviour. Bargain with them if you need to - decide what are your absolute red lines and give a bit on other things which are less important. But make it clear that living with you will be different.
Try to acknowledge their feelings. If they are saying to that life is shit, not fair etc etc, agree with them, because at the moment it is.
A small tip, I assume the eldest has a phone. Many children who are hurting find it really hard to talk about it, I used to text my son a lot, just to let him know I was thinking about him, to acknowledge something has happened and his feelings. Or just to send him a meme. Also chatting in the car - removes the need for eye contact.
You do sound like you have a great understanding of where the eldest is at and the need to avoid shaming.

You are doing OK, and honestly that's enough at the moment

Jellycatspyjamas · 19/04/2025 09:45

I’m so mired in it at the moment that it’s only later when I reflect on my reaction (or my intended but not carried through) reaction that I’m able to acknowledge how much the eldest is hurting.

Most of us can relate to this, I certainly can. In the moment you’re dealing with a range of competing priorities and feelings - your own and others. Sometimes your own fight/flight is triggered and you need to work hard on your own self regulation. It’s not until you have time and space to think things through that you’re able to see all the pieces and put them together. That’s why getting some space and time for your own care matters so much - you don’t have time for reflection if you’re bouncing from one thing to another, and reflecting gives us space to consider context etc.

Your world has been turned on its head - it’s going to take time for you to figure this all out. It’s ok to decide that day to day care isn’t for you, if that’s a feeling you have. You can ensure the kids are cared for and still be a significant presence in their lives but if you (understandably) feel that parenting 3 teenagers isn’t for you, that’s ok.

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