Letterbox and photos

[Parksitting]

This is a vent really as feeling exasperated with the LA. We have a letterbox agreement of letter twice a year with no photos. Photos were a big debate between our SW from the VA and the LA during the adoption process as our proximity to various members of the birth family is an ongoing issue. It was agreed no photos at all as a result.

Fast forward 2 years and we are fielding requests for photos from the LA. The most recent email came on Friday AM saying "it would be nice for Mum if you could send some for us to show her at the office." This request is outside of the letterbox dates agreed and i suspect relates to Mothers Day.

The SW making this request was party to all the discussions and debates on this subject during the adoption process as she was the supervisor of our LO's SW at the time.

On several occasions during the process I found this SW's responses a bit alarming as everything is couched in "it would be nice for Mum if" and in our very first meeting she said "she's a client but I think of her as a friend." What?! The best interests of the child or the finality of adoption just doesn't seem to figure. This isn't an open adoption and these decisions were made for very good, security reasons. They cannot be chucked out just because a SW thinks it would be nice. I guess my frustration comes from the fact that BM is a vulnerable person with a complex situation. The LA should be supporting her appropriately rather exerting emotional pressure for us to do something "nice" for her.

We have responded to this latest request with a clear "Sorry but we would like to continue with the agreed postbox process and we will send letters without photos at the assigned points in the year." It has left me feeling so guilty and cross - of course it would be nice, but there are a multitude of factors that make it complex, so don't make us the bad guys for sticking with what was debated and agreed.

I can't believe she calls her "mum". Our sws always referred to bps by their first names.

I suggest you make a formal complaint to the la.

There’s a lot wrong with the social workers communication here. It’s absolutely fine to say no without any guilt at all.

I would write to both the social worker and their senior/manager reiterating the letterbox agreement and asking that they don’t keep requesting photographs. The social worker needs to manage the birth mums expectations and any distress that might arise.

I would make a complaint about how they are handling the letter box. They definitely shouldn’t be pressurising you for photos and they shouldn’t keep getting birth mums hopes up. They need to work with her to manage it and not involve you.
All contact we have ever had with social worker they use birth parents name too.

As a birth mum it’s upsetting when things are changed or false hope is given. It’s unfair on all involved and can be damaging to any relationship that the parents and birth parent have established.

everything that is done should be in the best interests of the child and whilst considering others emotions is valuable the child is the priority

once information or pictures are given they cannot be taken back but in years to come if appropriate they can be expanded upon. This includes for me as a birth parent- I am also mindful with what and how much I share.

Don't feel you need to apologise for saying no!

I just wrote a letter in this situation. Say you understand X (use her name) will likely continue to make requests to the SW however the SW should 'field' these and not continue to pass them on to you.

You will not be sending any photos at any point, however many requests are made, and it is up to the SW to make this clear to X, and not constantly burden you with correspondence having to refuse. State that and will be ignoring any mention of photos made in future.