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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

OMG - social workers have asked us to consider a long term placement til adulthood

39 replies

Confidentialnamechanger · 14/05/2008 16:06

My brains gone a bit mush. How do you say yes to becoming someone's main carer for 9 years.

What should I consider. ?? It's just so huge.

OP posts:
ladytophamhatt · 14/05/2008 16:18

Well, the 1st question would be Do you want to?

Then, Could you?

My friend a the dsses school is a foster carer and to an almost 1 yr old and they have just put themsleves forward to adopt her. It gave me goosebumps when she told me...I hope with every fibre of my body that thay are successful.

Original poster
Confidentialnamechanger · 14/05/2008 16:25

That wouldn't be possible (lots of contact with birth family) but no possibility of returning

it just seems so massive with only one meeting to say yes to someone coming to live for ever. I think I'm just a bit freaked out.

OP posts:
Niecie · 14/05/2008 16:26

Wow, congratulations. It must be lovely to have somebody have so much faith in you.

I know nothing about this at all but didn't want your post to go unnoticed.

Do you know the child they want to place with you? Do they fit in with your family as it stands at the moment?

How do you feel about not fostering other children or less other children because you will permanently have your main foster child at home?

Do you have to maintain contact with the birth family? Will that be a problem for you? How will this be different from adoption? Have you ever considered adoption because this will surely be like an adoption in everything but name.

Will it mean you can't move house or go abroad (my BIL and his wife adopted and weren't allowed to take the children abroad on holiday because of issues with passports for quite a few months)?

Those are the things that strike me as somebody who knows nothing about this sort of thing at all.

Good luck!

Carnival · 14/05/2008 16:27

Confidential, much respect to you and good luck with your decision.

Original poster
Confidentialnamechanger · 14/05/2008 16:31

Don't know the child at all, we are short term foster carers. We wouldn't be able to have others again, this child needs a placement where they are the only child.

Yes, have to (and happy to) maintain contact. Never considered adoption because we could not afford it, the needs of foster children are covered by social services, adopted not (because they are yours)

We don't go abroad and we could get respite care if we wanted to or take the child if allowed.

Actually those questions were helpful, any clarification of thoughts is helpful at this stage

OP posts:
ladytophamhatt · 14/05/2008 16:34

wow, after one meeting with teh child tehy are asking you for something really BIG.

I'm surprised TBH....the poor child must be in real dire need.
What a hard descision to make....

Original poster
Confidentialnamechanger · 14/05/2008 16:37

we haven't even met them yet but if we say yes then we would meet them next week

Inside my head I'm just going Bloody Hell! , can't get past that yet (but it's only been an hour)

OP posts:
newgirl · 14/05/2008 16:39

would there be a trial period to check that you are all ok - child including/especially? could it be explained as a temporary thing at the moment until child is settled? I think fostering is fantastic by the way.

PeachyHas4BoysAndLovesIt · 14/05/2008 16:41

there are several famillies i know at our sn rugby that have done this

for one family, it has worked wonderfully.... such a happy group and child progressing wonderfully. the other family suddenly decided they wanted to emigrate, can't take foster child and so he's back in the system shorrtly- double abandonment? i suspect thats how he will see it.

If you're certain you can offer the child a permanent place in your family and you want to, then go for it- but if you're uncertain then stick to what you're already doing with the short term, that's a wonderful thing in itself

PinkChick · 14/05/2008 16:45

i eprsonally couldnt do it(sorry) someone you ahvent met before and they want you to look after them as your own until theyre old enough to fend for themselves?!..thats a LOT to ask..plus you would lsoe the children you foster and the fees you are paid to care for them..i think its too much to ask someone to do..why cant you foster long term so you can see what eachother are like? that you bond etc?..why adoption so fast??

Niecie · 14/05/2008 16:45

How will the rest of the family feel? Do you care!? This child will be there for Christmas and birthdays so will be part of wider family too.

Does the child have special needs or a disability? Does this have implications for them as they grow up?

Wow (again) no wonder your brain has gone to mush. Once you start thinking about it, it throws up huge questions, doesn't it.

PinkChick · 14/05/2008 16:46

its almost like a joke...they expect this child to have no probs with coming to live with you permanently, having no say, no previous care from you..horrible for both you and the child..too pushy IMHO

FioFio · 14/05/2008 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PinkChick · 14/05/2008 16:49

SO SORRY..for some reason i 'saw' adopt..not long term placement..but if you lose your right to foster others and the things that go with it, it is more like adoption isnt it!?

Original poster
Confidentialnamechanger · 14/05/2008 16:50

Pink chick we are not adopting, this is long term fostering

and that's why it is so huge as we would not want to double abandon them so they would be here for life

as the child has had so much change they are not keen on a trial

OP posts:
lisad123 · 14/05/2008 16:52

How do you feel about having just one? What if you dont on, what happens then? Its a hell of a responsiabilty but spunds like the kids needs a consistant carer. Good luck

Original poster
Confidentialnamechanger · 14/05/2008 16:54

it wouldn't impact on any others as we have no others here at the moment (we do have thoughts about having our own child at some point)

that's it, it feels like a hell of a responsibility

OP posts:
FioFio · 14/05/2008 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Confidentialnamechanger · 14/05/2008 16:58

That is exactly what I will be talking to the social worker about next week as they know that at some point we would want a natural child.

And not that we would give the foster child up cos we wouldn't

OP posts:
lisad123 · 14/05/2008 17:01

i think if theres a chance you might have your own, then i wouldnt commit to it tbh. There are so many children in need of placement, so you'll have chance to help others soon.
Woulod this be your first fosterchild?

Flower3554 · 14/05/2008 17:11

It's not something we've ever considered and on occasion, we've cared for lo's for up to 4 years until they moved on, but we always knew that at some stage they would be moving.

I don't understand, are you approved short term carers? if so, why would they ask you to take on along term child. They are two very different things.

Original poster
Confidentialnamechanger · 14/05/2008 17:21

Not different here, approval covers both now.

OP posts:
Califrau · 14/05/2008 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flower3554 · 14/05/2008 17:26

Oh I see, I suppose it comes down to whether you want to care for lots of children or just one.

It's a huge commitment as others have said but what a difference it could make to a child.

Good luck with your decision

Upwind · 14/05/2008 17:28

If he needs to be on his own is this because of challenging behaviours? That could make it difficult with a new baby.

I think it unfair to ask you to decide without a trial. You need to know just what you are dealing with in terms of behaviour before you decide.

Best of luck.