I am adopted and need advice please.

[KiraMi]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to see if anyone else has experienced this or something similar? Please see the below.

I was adopted when I was a baby. I had a lovely upbringing and I love my parents. They have been amazing. My dad passed away a couple of years ago and I miss him very much.

I have met my birth mum a few times over the past 15 years. We have a good relationship and we do talk on the phone here and there. I call her by her name and see her as more of a friend/Aunty than a parent. I love my adoptive mum and would never want to disrespect her so using the preferred names (mum and dad for my adoptive parents and birth mum and birth dad for my birth parents) is important to me.

I recently saw my birth mum and I have been triggered by friends/colleagues calling her my ‘mum’ in conversations when I have been showing photos etc. I completely understand why people do it but it does bother me, especially as I’ve explained my situation/the names I use for my parents and my birth parents etc lots of times. I have to keep reminding people and it’s starting to bother me.

Has anyone else experienced this? If so, any advice on how to address it? I don’t want to have to keep reminding people so I want to make it clear that it bothers me without causing any tension or drama.

Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated.

😊

I too was adopted as a tiny baby and had a very happy adoption. I never met my birth mother (she died before I traced birth family) but I have met birth family members. I do talk to friends about my birth mother but always refer to her by her name or ‘my birth mother’. As you say, that is very different to calling her ‘mum’. I’ve experienced similar to you, people referring to her as ‘your mum’. I just say “she’s my birth mother so I call her xxxxx. The mum who brought me up is my mum. It’s different!” I don’t think people mean any harm, they often don’t think. Also they watch these programmes like Long Lost Families and assume everything is like a fairy tale once a meet up has happened. It isn’t, as we both know! Of course, it doesn’t matter how many times you tell people, they often still don’t get it. If they keep saying ‘your mum’ after I’ve explained, I just simply respond with ‘my birth mother’ or her name. I think it’s finally starting to sink in! I hope things go well for you xx

@KiraMi
I'm sorry about your dad. It's good you have memories to treasure.

From an adoptive mum's point of view, it really doesn't bother me if people call my son's birth mum, mum. I'm very secure in my relationship with him, I know my place in his life is as his mum.

Us adoptive mums are a tough bunch, we know there are lots of things about adoption that other people don't get. Sometimes we can spend a lot of time trying to educate people about things, I know I did. Now my son is 21 I don't so much. The really important people in our lives know what's important to us because they've lived adoption with us.

Have you spoken to your mum.about it?
If your main concern is it being disrespectful to her, you might find that it doesn't bother her that much.

But as it obviously does bother you I think you probably have a number of choices. Stop talking about your birth mum to people who aren't respecting your wishes about her name
keep talking and trying to educate people about the name - be very clear - Sharon is my mum , Tracey is my birth mother, or act a bit puzzled - sorry who are you referring to - thats not my mum, thats Tracey
or keep talking and just ignoring it.

Or maybe this. We had an issue about my son's name in his teens. I emailed family members and closest friends and just said XYZ is his name, using ABC is upsetting him so please calm you all make a big effort to call him XYZ. That sorted most people out and the few who lagged behind got the message eventually.
I hope you can find your way through this, being adopted brings so many challenges doesn't it.

Adoption is very triggering for a lot of people and they can easily project their views onto adopted people and adopters. The UK gov makes it a rule that anyone giving therapy to children about adoption has to be Ofsted registered for this purpose - previously children were seeing therapists who didn't have a clue about adoption other than their own assumptions or experiences and a lot of what went on was confusing or even harmful.

So this is a general issue. No one really understands. I think all you can do is correct them and move on.

Sorry to hijack the thread but Simba is 21?! How is this possible?!

@Barbadosgirl

He will be 21 in July, he's in his second year at uni
And I'm 60 in June - how did that happen!!