2yo hitting older brother

[Undertheflowerpot]

So… I am currently in the process of adopting my 6yo foster son, and also my 2.5yo foster son who was removed from my care at 18 months (came to me straight from the hospital at 1 day old) when I was diagnosed with cancer. It was extremely traumatic to all of us, he was removed without any transition etc. I wanted to keep him through my treatment, and luckily was able to keep my then 5yo. I fought for this little guy very much, and I managed to keep our bond going by visiting him every 2 weeks all throughout my treatment. Long story short, I am now cancer free and I have managed to apply to adopt him and it has been agreed that he is returned to my care as a foster to adopt already.

He moved back in 2 weeks ago. It has been really lovely and emotional, and my 6yo is very excited. However… there is trouble in paradise for these two already! 2yo is hitting, pushing, and kicking 6yo, and throwing toys at him. He will try to snatch toys from 6yo and scream and argue with him. 6yo is very reactive and will respond very loudly to anything 2yo does, which in turn seems to be making things interesting for 2yo and he keeps going. He is absolutely lovely while 6yo is at school and we have lovely days together. But after school, and by the time bedtime rolls around, I’m completely done in.

Im trying to talk to 2yo, and I remove him everytime he hurts 6yo, explaining to him that it’s not ok to hurt others. But he won’t listen to me talk about it, even if I try to talk to him at a later point while we are alone. He gets really riled up if I try and just keeps shouting no.

How do I get him to stop?? I don’t want 6yo to feel uncomfortable in his own home, we have all been through so much. I am a single carer and now I’m worried about my own stress levels. Please tell me this will get better as they get older??

Hi. I'm sorry to hear this.

It sounds very stressful. I adopted siblings and the older one has always been jealous of her younger sister. It was noted in foster care when they were 1 and 2. They are now 26 and 27 and it is just the same despite all sorts of therapy.

We managed to keep them both at home but there were lots of tricky times and we could not leave them together ever.

My daughter does have autism and a learning disability which I think made it harder for her to change.

But at a minimum I think you need to seek help ASAP xx

He’s 2 years old and has had huge upheaval. He’s been moved from you, been with carers for a year and now back with you, that’s a lot for a very small child and while it might have been lovely and emotional, he still needs to process his feelings about being moved around. His sibling didn’t get taken away, he did, so I can understand him lashing out even though he’s too young to have a cognitive understanding of what happened.

You really need to give him tools to express strong feelings. At his age it’s going to be sensory play, movement and songs/games. Look up theraplay games for toddlers, you need to work on his attachment to you which will have been disrupted when he was removed from your care. As much as he no doubt loves you, he’ll be terrified - treat him like he was in early placement again, lots of closeness and going at his pace, lots of reassurance.

It might also be worth making a social story for all of you about the past year or so, it’ll help him develop a language for his experience and will also help your 6 year old understand you all went through the same situation but your experience was very different.

Keep close supervision with your 6 year old, look at games that keep them engaged with each other. Lots of modelling safe touch.

You’ve clearly had a time of it and doing it single handed is very hard work, try to keep in mind you’ve all had a traumatic time of it and go easy on yourself.