Experiences with Early Permanence

[Eldermilleniallyogii]

We have started the adoption process (still very early) and EP has been mentioned. My first thought was it wouldn't work for us as we both work and I am guessing it doesn't count as an adoption but rather fostering so we wouldn't get leave. Does anyone know if that is the case? My husband is keen as he would like to adopt a baby. I would too but also happy to adopt a child up to around age 3 as we already have a young child.

What are your experiences of EP? My other concern is taking a baby and then having to send them back to their family, knowing it might not be a good place for them. We would need to give this a lot of thought and at the moment my view is that we will not opt for EP but I am looking into it before making a decision.

You get all the same leave and rights with EP as traditional adoption. You are fostering though and there is a level of risk of reunification that you mention. I would ask about the EP training as that will swing it for you either way.

We are adopting again, this time approved as EP carers too. There is huge benefits in it for the child but it isn't for all adopters and you should think about the unknowns and commitments EP brings.

EP where I am tends to mean you will get placed with a child quicker however if you are open to children up to 3 years old I can't imagine that being a problem for you.

Best of luck

There are still babies needing to be adopted even if you don't go down the ep route. Remember a younger child has more "unknowns" lots have been exposed to drugs and alcohol in utero and there's no way of knowing how that will turn out. I didn't go down the ep route as I didn't feel comfortable taking a child to contact with birth family, and not being able to refer to myself as mum and not thinking of them as "mine".

However I've followed a lot of adoption families online and so many of them have gone down the ep route, they must just be stronger than me!

Thanks that's good to know. I wasn't sure if you'd become able to get leave as easily. I still dont know if it's for me. My gut instinct is it's not due to the uncertainty but I am still open minded.

I think I agree with you. I imagine adopting a child and them becoming part of our family while with EP it would be different as we wouldn't know whether they are staying with us. We have a 3 year old too and so we have to think about how it will affect them. It will take some explaining that we are adopting a sibling but to have to explain they may or may not stay with us permanently and us all dealing with that. The more I think about it the more I talk myself out of it.

3 is quite little for them to grasp them being a foster sibling and not an adopted sibling and also trying to explain to them they have another family and birth mum and that's where you're taking them for contact. I appreciate in most cases baby will stay and will end up being adopted but its not guaranteed and for me personally I wouldn't be able to switch my heart off and remember that.

I would err on the side of caution if you already have a 3 yr old. Our daughter was 2 when our ep baby joined, and 4 when the child was reunified with birth parents, and it hit her really hard.

Thanks for sharing @Pollylong If you don't mind asking, did you have the EP baby for 2 years then and did you ever hear how she was after that? I do think on balance EP may not be for us especially with a young child who may become attached to her as we all would.

Long story, I’ll keep it brief but if u search my username you can find the longer story,
she was with us 19 months, then left and we had some contact with her when she was with birth parents, then she went back into care, and now is back with us and adopted. It’s not the most usual of case 😀

when we were approved as ep carers for the 2nd child it was originally for
my oldest child’s biological sibling, but they went to live with bp’s. Then the pandemic hit and we got a call saying they they couldn’t approve adopters and children were coming in need placements, and as the bio sibling wasn’t coming to us, did we want to look at being matched to a child. I dont regret any choice that we made, except not thinking enough about the impact it would have on my oldest if the child left. The pandemic was a strange time for all, and getting a call saying help children are in need, we overlooked that. It all happened quickly, we had expected an ep baby, so we got the call and baby was with us in days.

in hindsight with my daughter being at any age where she couldn’t understand it all, but could feel the loss, it wasn’t the decision made with her best interests at the forefront

Thanks for sharing @Pollylong I'm glad she came back to you but can see how it would be difficult.

We adopted our first child through EP, they came to us at 4m old. A few years later we adopted their bio sibling through EP and they came to us at 3m old.

We 100% would do it again but we appreciate that’s because we had such a positive experience. Knowing how quickly we became attached to both children strikes fear in me had they not stayed with us.

I am glad it worked out for you. How did you feel taking on the children, knowing it might not be permanent? Do you think it made a difference? Only answer if you don't mind doing so. It is really helpful to hear others' experiences.

Our social worker had told us that she had never returned a child to birth family so we just kind of went into it thinking it was highly unlikely however since, through adoption events etc I have met a couple of people who have done EP and the child has been reunified although I do still feel it isn’t so common but I may be wrong.

I think once you are approached about a child and you find out their personal circumstances, you can then assess the likelihood of this happening. E.g, is this birth mums first child? In our case it wasn’t her first child and there was a significant history so social services were fairly confident that our child would be placed for adoption once they got to that part of the court proceedings.

We also said to ourselves that we would go into it logically and try not to get too attached just in case. This all rapidly went out of the window as soon as we met as we loved them straight away which made it harder at times with court delays etc. It was worth the risk to us as it meant we had both of our children from being 3m and 4m and they are both truly amazing. We feel so lucky.

That makes sense and I'm glad it worked for you. I think it would be really hard not to get too attached.

We’ve done EP twice, would be happy to share more via PM so feel free to message.

Thank you that's very kind. I will send you a message tomorrow.