Should I adopt?

[henmama]

Hi Mumsnetters,

In 2020 me and DH started trying, this lead to multiple miscarriages and an ectopic which was really traumatic. We took a year off trying to give my body and mind recovery time. We then decided to go down the adoption route, we completed stage one. I had a wobble mainly for the reason that we had moved from city to countryside and I felt alone and isolated, I discovered I am a towns person. Fast forward a year and half we had a roller coaster house selling/buying journey and have moved back to the town where I feel a lot more settled and happy.
The question of parenthood came up again, my DH is older than me and is turning 50 this year (im 36). I definitely don't want a biological child, as my previous fertility experience has put me off that path. We thought about adoption again, and it feels that we have lost steam since the 1st time round. MY DH is worried because of his age, he is supportive of us becoming parents more because it helps me become a mum rather that him itching to be a dad.
For some reason this time round, I have so many more apprehensions about adopting, the past 5years so much has happened we have both changed, I have more worries this time. Maybe its DH turning 50, both of us being a bit more older and sinical.
I have read so many horror stories of adoptive parents splitting up, violent children. I feel that if we were both 36 perhaps we would have the energy together, but it feels like he is going along with to please me which is a big thing to do for a life changing decision.
I feel that I have so much of a need to mother and care for another being that I would regret it I didn't do anything about it. We have thought about fostering, but DH is self employed and his work changes depending on season. I work 3 set days. However, with how much you get for fostering we wouldn't be able to make ends meet with just his wage. I have read flexibility is key with fostering.

Apologies mumsnetters, I've rambled on. I suppose any advice from people who had a need to mother and how they fulfilled it? Any advice from adopters, fosterers?
Many thanks from this overthinker!

henmama it's totally up to you but I knew I desperately wanted to be a mum. We had our birth child and then Adopted. My husband and I were both almost 50 when we adopted our 3 year old son (he is now 14).

If this is what you want, go for it.

Thank you @Italiangreyhound for the message, I appreciate your encouragement and support. Can I ask about your adoptive experience?
I have so many worries the more I research into therapeutic parenting. I feel worried about a child who is aggressive, or my relationship with DH going south because of the stress as we do not have family nearby. Part of me is worried that I am letting my anxiety talk me out of it. Or are these anxiety's something I should listen too...Aaarg...(brain over load).

@henmama

Adoption is always going to be a risk.
Which is why it's vital that you and your DH must be on the same page. If he's only doing it for you then it's likely to be exposed during the assessment. If not stress of parenthood in general, never mind the added stress of adoption will take its toll.
Personally I wouldn't worry too much about your DHs age from an approval point of view, plenty of adopters around in their late 40s and 50s. So I think that's more of how you feel about it personally.

Do you have an age group in mind? There is usually a shortage of adopters for 'older' children, ie school age. Would your husband feel differently if you were looking for a 5 year old, not a baby or toddler?
Its a valid concern though. When my son was 17, so I was 55, I was approached about a 2 year old half sibling. The thought of being pushing 70 with a teenager was not appealing !

It is however absolutely normal to have worries and concerns, adoption is a big deal. I'd be more concerned about you if you didn't have worries.

I adopted my son when he was 7, he will be 21 soon and is at university and doing well for himself. We have had our share of challenges but have built a good life together. He will have more challenges ahead around his birth family but he is a strong young man and I think he'll handle it well.

I'm now a foster carer. There is a huge demand for foster carers. It doesn't have to be full time. Some people just do short breaks(respite) or emergency placements so you can pick and choose when you want to work and you wouldn't have to give up your job. Friends of mine provided respite every month to the same child so it's possible to build relationships with children.
What fostering isn't, unless you have a long term placement, is another way to be a mum. It's an opportunity to care for a child but it's just not the same as being a mum in my experience.
Big decision- good luck

Your DHs age isn’t an issue in and of itself, particularly given you are younger. The concerns you have are valid in that adoption is hard and does bring a huge level of uncertainty with it.

In my case, my marriage didn’t survive - though for us it was adoption plus Covid that killed it. My ex is fully involved with our kids and we have a very amicable, flexible coparenting relationship and honestly life is good for us all. While adoption is tough in many ways, my kids are thriving, they’re fantastic humans and life would be poorer without them.

@Jellycatspyjamas thank you for your honest post. I'm sorry to hear that things didn't work out with your marriage, but amazing show of strength from the both of you to co parent.
We have no family support were we live, I know you can make other parent friends, but feels very daunting ATM.

I think you have to be 99% certain when going into it. A usual amount of cold feet is normal.

If I'm honest I think a lot of men feel not as into the idea as the women, just like with birth children.

The first training course I did we had a couple pushing 70, so 50 is nothing. Especially of you were looking at an older child possibly.

I think you should ring an agency or LA and see how you feel. You aren't committed until it comes to matching.

have you considered surrogacy?

My experience of adoption is that my husband and I adopted a little boy aged 3 when we had a birth child aged 9. Things have not been easy over the years as we have had issues with both our birth and adopted children. However, I would not change anything. I love them both so much.

Re "We have no family support were we live, I know you can make other parent friends, but feels very daunting ATM."

we did not have very much actual support from family, my husbands parents looked after the kids about one day a week in school holidays when they were young and did also support us with some money for childcare, which was fabulous. However, even without their support we would have managed.

I think that you will need to face the daunting if you want this to work. I was more worried by the thought of not having a second child than I was by the challenges it would bring. I hope that makes sense.

@Jellycatspyjamas

I am very sorry your marriage didn't survive. I think that this is a risk for all of us when adopting in a couple. I know when we adopted I said to my dh that if the issue became our new son, I would have to prioritize our new son.

But i am glad to hear you are all coping and doing well. XXXX

A child born of surrogacy will have much the same issues as an adopted child. Separation from birth mum at birth and feelings of rejection, abandonment, trauma, loss. A baby effectively bought and sold by birth mum to richer parents. Bonding is also really hard for baby and new parents. For these reasons i would touch surrogacy.

OP this is just my experience. I adopted two children with apparently no known issues. Both now have an EHCP, one in special school, both higher rate DLA. Both will always be disabled and probably live at home, no career, one will never have a family or children of her own. lots of time spent in waiting rooms going through diagnostic appointments and fighting for this that and the other. I gave up my career to be their full time carer. Marriage and friendships hanging by a thread. One child is violent. Your support network fizzles away as only really you can look after the children due to their needs. Some days i regret it, some days its ok. I worry how they will cope when we aren't around and you need to become an expert at planning their future financial and support needs when you are no longer there. A significant amount of adoptions break down. Think very carefully before committing yourself to being the parent of a a disabled child. Parenting plus is an understatement. It changes you both.

@ilovemoney I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you went into it with an open heart and mind, but things got very complicated.
We have 1 spare room, so could only adopt 1 child. We maybe looking to adopt a child around 5/6yrs by which point any major development issues will be known. However, as someone said earlier it's all a big risk with adoption.

We maybe looking to adopt a child around 5/6yrs by which point any major development issues will be known. However, as someone said earlier it's all a big risk with adoption.

We adopted our first at just under 5 and were not told she had major behavioural and emotional issues. Even if issues are known do not assume they will be shared with adopters or a social worker will have taken the time for the child to be assessed in any way. Bonding is harder with an older child. they will likely have had a relationship and spent a longer period of time with birth parents and love and know them. They will also have a strong attachment to a foster carer that you will be taking them from or they may have had many moves to cope with. Adoption is a trauma in itself for any child. Our AD remembers her birth mum, missed her and wanted to be with her and still does. That separation was extremely tough for her.
If i were you i would be looking at adopting a child under 2. You say you want to mother. You may get a huge sense of loss if adopting only one child and an older child you will miss the baby stage.
I wish you and your DH the best of luck in what you decide.

I have a friend who has adopted an under one and a decade later she and child still needs lots of therapeutic interventions. Her mental health has been pushed to the edge. Having said that, she has been a wonderful mother and loves her child deeply. However I bring this up because she went into it, an intelligent, educated professional, having abandoned fertility treatment, thinking this would be the easier path. It hasn't necessarily and the adoption process itself was very intrusive. Yet still didn't prepare her! She gave up work as her child couldn't manage childcare.
In your situation I wonder whether you have checked the male factor in your miscarriages or pursued IVF or even icsi. It seems important since your husband is being ambivalent not to leave any stone unturned as you approaching parenthood as a team
Disclaimer: I have experienced infertility as a result of male factor issues and IVF was our path to much wanted children. It was deeply intrusive but worth it and my husband did it for me. Full investigations of both of you are often a prelude to IVF/icsi

My DH turned 50 during introductions for our DC, though yours will be a little older as you have to do the approval and matching first.

Adoption is a leap of faith.

I had an adoptive SW friend who advised me - only one child, under three. I now thank my lucky stars I didn't go for siblings as I had wanted.

We adopted a 2.5 year old with no known additional needs. Fast forward a year, it was clear he had very significant additional emotional and behavioural needs. He exploded out of reception very quickly - I had to home educate him for three years. Took five years off work instead of the expected 18 months. Had to move home as we couldn't pay the mortgage. He was very aggressive for years and my relationship did end, not only because of this but it was a factor.

I would never advise anyone else to adopt because the risks are so so high. HOWEVER I was desperate to be a parent and I don't regret it. Aged now nearly 13 he has blossomed. The aggression has ceased. I found an amazing special school 4 years ago which I feel has been our saviour. I feel like I am finally reaping the rewards of all the work I have put in and all my sacrifices. I still have the teens ahead so who knows what the future will bring.

What? Surrogates cannot be paid in the UK and 85% of surrogates in the UK are friends/relatives of the parents and are doing it for altruistic reasons. And 95% are genetically related to 1 or both parents, not the same as adoption at all.

But often when people say surrogacy they don't mean this. They mean going out of country (remember the unclaimed Ukrainian babies?). Third party, out of country does have the potential issues described.

Sorry I feel this is way off too. I'm in no way an advocate for surrogacy, particularly commercial surrogacy and I do agree that it seems likely babies born of surrogacy will experience some level of trauma or separation anxiety and may well go on to experience some long term emotional/attachment difficulties or identity issues. But it's very early days in terms of commercial surrogacy being as available as it is today, not at all a large cohort of adults to base any proper research on the long term effects yet particularly when you consider the vast range of types of surrogacy available worldwide, so it's quite lazy to say even within surrogacy that all babies will have the same impact and feelings about their birth circumstances.

But that aside, our adoptive children will nearly all have experienced some or all of the following massive risk factors in addition to what you're describing of the simple act of removing a baby from it's mother at birth (and besides not all adopted children are removed at birth): serious and ongoing neglect in their important developmental years, maternal alcohol and substance misuse, peri-natal serious mental ill health, domestic abuse of their mother whilst pregnant, homelessness of their mother whilst pregnant, serious genetically linked mental or physical ill health and/or learning disabilities in the biological family (often on both sides), sexual, physical or emotional abuse, intergenerational trauma, the list goes on. They're very rarely placed with adoptive parents from birth, they'll usually have experienced at least one if not several total changes of primary caregiver in their short lives. Sometimes their biological father will be unknown or a sexual abuser or imprisoned or dead. They'll often have full or half biological siblings out there in the world, sometimes cared for within the birth family, sometimes adopted by others. Some of these could apply to a surrogate child of course but to say they will have 'much the same issues' is I'm sorry lazy, ill-informed and doing a disservice both to adopted children and children born of surrogacy.

Again not recommending surrogacy to OP but if you want to go and bang the drum of the evils of surrogacy please don't do it on the adoption board, that's not what this place is for...

With respect, you have no right to police the adoption board. I brought this up as another poster was advising the OP to consider surrogacy and i had the right to put forward an opposing view to this advice.
You yourself state that you are no advocate for surrogacy so i am not sure why you are so defensive of it.
There are no research projects that can be undertaken that would convince me that it is ok to permanently separate a new born baby from its mother and that that will do no harm There is no research study that will convince me that anything that does not put the rights of mothers and new born babies first is a good thing to do.

We adopted siblings under 6 - I'm in my 40s/husband in 50s - not going to say it has been easy (parenting small children isn't! 😊), that said, throughout the adoption process I will say that things for us were very transparent - we reviewed many many profiles of children awaiting adoption and they were detailed in terms of any issues/potential issues- behavioural/health etc. and when we were matching we were given more information with a lot of discussion/support around how would we manage xyz - a lot of children do have issues, so it is important that you and your partner are comfortable and feel able to be honest with what you can cope with - both in terms of any emotional/health issues but also in terms of their backgrounds - and it's ok to say no. We took a while to find our match but I'm glad of that. Today we have a crazy, noisy, happy family household - I'd say nothing can truly prepare you for parenthood (for anyone) - it's expensive and yes, some days are tough but most parents I'm sure would say the same - essentially though, our kids are doing very well, they've just broken up for the Easter holidays, are currently playing with Lego and playing restaurants and I've a stack of laundry to do - normal family life 😊 Good luck with whatever you decide.

Hi Mumsnetters,
I wanted to update you all on our decision. We met up with a few adoptive parents and talked about their experiences of the adoption process and what it was like post adoption.
What we found was that all parents had little to no post adoptive support, they had jobs that were well paid. They had family nearby that would support them, or they could afford childcare. All of them never regretting their decision and loved their children.
We took their feedback on board and our own feelings of not being 100% sure wether we wanted children and lack of family support and financially not being able to afford childcare. We decided to not adopt. This was a very painful decision, especially for me more thank Dh. I know that it's the right decision for us but it's a process of grieving a family that I'll never have. Some days are easier than others, but I know I'll accept and hopefully embrace the childfree life, or just get a dog!
I wanted to share my whole journey, because there are so many different roads people take in parenthood and I hope my conclusion helps someone realise that it's ok to decide to not go down the parenthood path too.

@henmama

You have made a very thoughtful and considered decision.
Give yourself a bit of time to really come to terms with your decision.
There are many ways to live a good and fulfilled life. I wish you well, and lots of fun, as you explore where life will now take you.
Good luck !

@henmama thank you for your update, it sounds like you’ve given it a lot of thought and come to the decision that’s right for you. I wish you every good thing for the future.