Advice needed please

[jamandcream]

Regular but have changed to protect my id.

Some friends of ours are going through the adoption process to adopt another child. I have given a written reference and their SW has just phoned to book to come and see me.

I am terrified of saying the wrong thing. I was brought up in care and find it hard not to be on the side of the child rather than my friends. There is no reason at all why they should not have another child but what if she asks me questions and the reply isn't 100% positive?

Also, the date she is coming means they probably won't go to panel when they are hoping too.

Do I tell them she is coming and when or do i keep quiet which feels mean and deceitful.

My gut reaction is to be completely open and honest about it. Tell your friends the SW is coming (I assume they know you're a referee?!) and then be totally honest when giving the SW your answers. As soon as you starting twisting the truth then you'll only make things worse, as the SW will then wonder what you're trying to cover up. A sign I saw in a shop at the weekend says it all: "Always tell the truth and you don't have to remember anything".

Hope this helps.

Message withdrawn

you really don't need to be so worried tell your friends when she's coming if you want to and not if you don't - it isn't meant to be a secret although anything you tell her will be confidential.

There is no problem with you being on the sidfe of the child - the whole adoption process is about what is in the best interests of the child (in theory at least). As you say, there is no reason why it wouldn't be in a childs best interests to be placed with your friends rather than stay in care or go to a differnt family is there?

She will most likely ask you about their support systems, whether you think they understand what special needs an adoptive child might have. etc (there is a fairly recent thread on this). Explaining your background is not a bad idea if you feel you can to a stranger.

Just think of it about being a referree for a friend applying for a job. Because thats what a home study is - a long interview for the job of being a parent. In that situation you would present your friends positive points and be constructive about any negative points that might be raised.

Good luck my referees were pleasantly surprised at how easy it was.

I left her a message saying what was happening and she is pleased I did. I am sure it will all be fine. Any concerns I may have, they are aware of them (in themselves, not that they know I have the concerns iyswim) and no doubt she will ask me how it goes afterwards. Am I not meant to tell her what the Sw said/asked? I would hate to do anything that could jeopardise the process.

I not sure it matters whether you tell them. The conifdentiality is designed so that if youwant to say something negative it shouldn;t get back to the prospective adopters. I didn't ask my referrees what they said - I didn't want to pressurise them as they were already doing me a favour. As it turned out two of three volunteered what the social worker had asked them and how theyd answered. They may not have told me everything but I was thrilled that they shared it with me.

jam - I dont think you have to be pro - adoption, in the sense that you think its the best thing for a child. In that sense i am also not pro-adoption. i think the best thing for a child is to be born into a family who will love and care properly for him/her. If that cant happen, i think its better that they grow up in a another loving family rather than in care.

I have to grit my teeth when i read another post on mumsnet about " how we have always wanted to adopt because its such a lovely thing " etc etc

the people who think its so lovely / sweet have obviously no insight at all into the pain of birth parents who can't care adequately for their own child, the rejection, abuse and neglect suffered by children and the years of struggles faced by adoptive parenst who have to deal with the acting out of all that pain, as well as their own loss

Its not a lovely thing any more than divorce is a lovely thing. Its just that its (usually) better than the alternative

You are not wishing disaster in the life of a child when you are helping your friends to adopt. you are being a tiny part of the solution for a child not part of the problem

I think it's worth being honest with the SW about your own experience, so s/he can put your answers in context. There is no way that what you say will be the yes/no to whether or not your friends are approved - it will simply help build up a picture of them.

The SWs are, rightly, trying to see what support systems are in place because adoptive parents definitely need them!

and also don;t forget that you're not being asked to comment on whetehr a specific child would be best placed with them just whether they wuld be competent parents to the type of child they might be approved to adopt at some point in future.

I have no problemn at all with adopting. I wish there could be more adoptive parents and we hope to talk about whether we could in the future.

I was meant to be adopted as a baby but it didn't happen.

They are very good parents in lots of ways but I do have a slight concern and can see it gtting worse when the next child joins the family. I don't think it is enough to mention but I am worried if I am asked a straight yes/no question related to it.

They are aware that they spoil their child in different ways and it would be an insult to their intelligence to point out that things will have to change.

This is such a big responsibilty. I was very honoured when asked to be a referee but terrified of the responsibility.

i think its unlikely that you will be asked about it directly, but if you are i think you shoudl just be truthful. Its very common for first / only children to seem spoiled, as they oftne get a lot of their parenst attention, especially if they were " long awaited". I don't think that SW woudl really consider this to be a big deal, or that it would reflect badly on them. They don't have to be perfect parenst, just good enough. as you say, teh family dynamics will change anyway when another child arrives

i think that to be " negative" about some minor point is actually a good thing, as it shows that you are being honest and have thought through things carefully

I'm sorry that adoption didn't work out for you