Off sick due to home stress

[Nel81]

My son came home to me in July 2022, I took a year off on adoption leave and returned to work properly in Sept 2023 (I work in a primary school) full time. I reduced my hours to 4 days in April 2024 as my son had Buss therapy every Tuesday and it gave me an afternoon to myself. My son is very hard work, gets dysregulated very quickly and aggression is his go to so after struggling through for a few months, I finally went off sick in June with stress and anxiety, I'd been on antidepressants for about a year up to then. I didn't think I'd be off this long but his behaviour is so changeable that it's hard to think of going back to work. We have a strong routine so he knows what's going to happen day to day but different things trigger him and I get hit and kicked when getting him ready in the morning. By the time I've come back from the school run and had a walk, I have no energy and am tending to sleep most days. We get help from post adoption and I've had counselling but can't see how things are going to change. I've got a fit note for the next month and the doctor seems happy to carry on but I don't know what to do. I loved my job and thought it was what I'd be doing until retirement. Sorry for the long rambling post but I was just wondering if anyone else had been through similar? Thanks x

Hi there. I gave up work after a few months going back after a year off. Partly I wasn't the same person, partly the job plus commute was unworkable, but mainly because I couldn't leave the children (2 pre school girls) in childcare as their needs were so huge and they couldn't cope. I couldn't cope with everything either.

Slight problem is I never got my career back but I have never regretted it as I simply wouldn't have coped. I had to constantly recharge my batteries to be able to deal with the next issue.

Is there any chance of an adoption allowance from the placing authority? Does your son get dla? If he does get dla you could get carer's allowance, which also pays your NI contributions.

Sorry, I know how tough it can be x

Much like Arran above, I also had to give up work as my children couldn't cope with childcare and I didn’t have the energy to work.

The meltdowns, the disturbed nights, the violence ... it was exhausting and I needed all the child free time I could get to help me stay sane enough to parent them.

We received DLA and Carers allowance.

Thanks for your replies. Finances are a consideration too as a single parent. We were allocated adoption allowance in August for the one day I reduced and my social worker encouraged me to get them to reassess when my wages halved, but I haven't heard anything back yet. I get uc top ups but statements show that it wouldn't cover my bills let alone spending money if it were my sole income. That includes the "disabled child" and carers element.

There’s a huge difference between a professional salary and carers allowances/DLA. I didn’t stop work but I reduced my hours significantly and flexed those hours around my kids where possible. It’s very tricky because when matching you just can’t predict how your child is going to be. I recognise the exhaustion that comes with just getting through the morning. How old is your child now?

I am also a single parent. For me, the exhaustion level when I was on my own coping with difficult behaviours, a fight for ongoing therpy, school issues etc was incompatible with working at all.

It has been tight money wise, but I had no choice. We are over 10 years in and I still have not been able to return to any level of work.

He's six. We're waiting on a LA maintained IDP and a move to a specialist unit within another mainstream school. My job is actually a TA at his current primary school and I honestly think he'd be on a reduced timetable if the head didn't know our circumstances. I've had the stage 1 and stage 2 meetings with HR and will be due another in a few weeks, they said in the last meeting that it's possible that the governors may make the decision for me, which isn't helping my anxiety.

Is it possible to negotiate a sabbatical from work while you get the right supports in place? My employer offers up to a year unpaid where they keep your job but it’s not sick leave - the unpaid nature is hard but I'm guessing you’re close to exhausting sick pay by now.

What’s the timescale on the specialist placement and IDP? What support do you have in place just now for you and your son? Lots of questions but it might help us think about options for you.

They mentioned a career break of up to a year or reducing my hours could be options. I just can't decide what to do for the best. With regards to the idp and school move, we're just waiting to hear. The pcr was at the start of January and they mentioned 10 weeks but goodness actually knows when we'll hear. Also, when my son does move schools, that's going to be a big change for him and could affect him negatively (he loves his school and teachers). We've had 4 blocks of BUSS, but finished before Christmas. PAS have held off play therapy as things were happening with school but they've got a meeting in a few weeks to discuss him starting.

Just a little update. I've asked for, and got, a career break for another year (unpaid). I've had a reassessment for adoption allowance so, although financially it's going to be tougher, the relief I felt when I finally made the decision showed that it was the right one. F's behaviour has escalated even more recently due to varying factors and he will be moving schools in Sept so I know things will still be hard for a while.