Adoption of an older child

[OldForANewMum]

I'm wondering if any of you who visit this board adopted an older child? I'm aware that in adoption, any child over about 5 is considered 'older' but in this case I'm talking much older again - just 9 when our child was placed with us less than a year ago. Other children I've heard of being adopted at that age were those with one or more younger siblings adopted together, whereas whilst our child has siblings, they are adopted separately so day to day, with us they are now an 'only child').

For various reasons recently we've started to feel like complete freaks for adopting a child so 'old' - and it's started to spook us as for example, it won't be that long until pre-teen and then teenage years start. Things have gone amazingly well so far (not 100% smooth but how could they be - in general we've been very lucky so far but we are fully prepared that we'll have 'trouble to come').But we've found it difficult to find anyone with experience of adopting a child of this age (albeit delayed in some areas so a bit 'younger than years') who obviously comes with a lot of memories and understanding both of over 2 years in foster care and of birth family before (which we fully acknowledge and don't try to brush under the carpet, of course). There are a lot of useful online forums but when discussing issues applying to older children it's clear that often the other people in that situation have had their child/ren with them since they were much younger, so we're both new to things AND having an older child.

Anyone on here been through similar and got any experiences - good or bad - they'd be willing to share? Anyone know of any resources, online forums etc where parents who adopted children at an older age hang out?!

@OldForANewMum

Hi, my son was just shy of 8 when he arrived.
He was 4 when he was taken into care and was fortunate to have stayed with the same foster family for nearly 4 years.
He hadn't seem his mum since he was 4 but saw his dad and brother most weekends.
In the early days he missed his FC dreadfully, as well as his dad and brother. However he was very ready to have a mummy of his own and was desperate for his day in court. He pushed a lot of boundaries in the first year but settled down a lot once we had been to court.
I'd say from age 9 to 11 most of our issues were really around his ASD. But predictably we hit a lot of issues from 11/12 onwards when he was questioning his place in the birth family, his little brother had initially stayed with dad, and serious self esteem issues. Initially he did have direct contact with dad and brother but dad couldnt maintain it.

He was very challenging for a time but we got therapeutic life story work. That in itself was probably the hardest experience I've had with him but it was worth the pain.
He is that cohort whose exams were abandoned because of Covid in 2020 and he struggled a lot with the lockdowns and took a long time to come out of that mindset.
As its just the two of us it has been very intense but we have always had a very close relationship. We've had lots of adventures together, he was in the scouts, played sport, was generally very active and got involved in everything he could - serious FOMO there.

He is blessed with a very sunny personality, always smiling, looks for best in everyone, even though he can't see it in himself. I think that will carry him through life.
He's 21 now, works part time, second year at university, runs a car, pretty much financially independent. Every thinks he's the bees knees, particularly me of course.
I'm immensely proud of him, he's worked through his issues for the most part and is intent on making his own way in the world. I can see the potential for some issues around his family in the future but we will cross those bridges when we come to them and I'm confident that he has the skills to work through them. I know he will always come to me for advice but also that he will be able to make good decisions for himself.
I don't regret adopting an older child. I think we are as near perfect a match for each other as you can get.
I am a little upset with him this week though as I'm his plus one to an event at Buckingham Palace so I need a new frock and shoes 😉🙂

My eldest was nearly 8.

We had 8 lovely years followed by 4 bad followed by 4 neutral. We are lowish contact as she so wants to be independent with her husband.

She probably should have had more counselling as a young teen before obvious issues sprang up. Hindsight is wonderful.

Once she went to college they kept saying they were young adults and she ran with the rhetoric.

Our DS was 6 very shortly after he moved in; 8 going on 9 now. He has very clear memories of Foster Mum (who we are in regular contact/see) and his siblings (who we also see regularly) and then birth family. As you do, we speak about this regularly (and siblings come up daily). It's of course a huge adjustment to go from a sibling group of being an only child (mainly for him but also us).

We have also had a very good start; but the unknown is always there. I don't feel odd for adopting an older child (perhaps because that was what we expected to do at the outset). But I can absolutely relate to feeling like a parent with 2 years experience heading for having a pre-teen very soon.... Especially as our DS is mostly very young (we still watch lots of Peppa Pig) but then has momentary flashes of maturity.

We have been in therapy ever since he moved in and that has been hugely helpful (even for DH who was terrified of therapy to begin with).

@LittleBear21

Omg - Peppa Pig, my son was obsessed for years
He refused to accept that there were only a limited number of episodes. He was convinced that every channel, including the plus 1s, showed new episodes.
I would delete 100s of episodes every night and he would start recording again the next day!

I did struggle a lot when he went to university. He was baffled of course. I tried to explain to him that no parent is really ready for their child to leave home but most parents get 18 years before it happens but I only had 10. So I felt a bit deprived.

I do sometimes wish I'd had more years when he believed in the tooth fairy and Father Christmas, but no regrets really. He does humour me with the carrot and mince pie at Christmas though.

His feelings about birth family change a lot. He worries about the siblings, but us realistic enough to know that there isn't much he can do. Three are significantly younger, by 15 years, 2 adopted and one with dad. He's never met them so it's hard to feel a connection. He worries most about his full sibling who is 18 this year and will age out of the system. I think he will go back to an aunt or his dad. Dad is by no means a bad person but has had multiple breakdowns, depression etc and just incapable of looking after his kids.
Mum is another matter - he has no memories of her now. At one time he was desperate to meet her. At the moment he doesn't want to discuss it. He is just so focused on building his own life. Maybe that will change in the future

Not myself. But my cousins aunty adopted a lovely boy when he was 9. It was actually really sad, his mum had given him up voluntarily when he was 6 as her bf didn't like him and then he went through a failed adoption. He was and still is lovely. He was slightly needy, always sitting on his mums lap and wanting to know where she was going. Hes 21 now and a really nice bloke.

Thanks so much for sharing all of this. I just want to say well done to the both of you for coming through everything in a way that means you can write all of this the way you have! I'm well aware that some of the tough times must have been really tough indeed.
"However he was very ready to have a mummy of his own and was desperate for his day in court. He pushed a lot of boundaries in the first year but settled down a lot once we had been to court."
This interests me. At our child's age you'd have thought they'd be aware, but the work done with them by social worker prior to placement was more general than specific about the process and our child is very much an avoider in terms of speaking about where they are - we do discuss FC and family/ friends/ pets and their birth family as and when they mention any of these people/ animals, we don't close down the conversations and treat all of that 'normally'. However when it comes to discussing the adoption process they close up and are just not open to it. We've had first letterbox too, and our child was very happy initially but quickly couldn't handle the process, we just reassured them that the letters would be there for them always and that we would reply on their behalf, and that they can always talk to us about it. But it was clearly just too upsetting.
We have direct contact with birth siblings and family, as much as distance allows which averages about once a month, and so far it's gone well albeit the last time, the older two children were upset and unsettled afterwards for a while.

But I would be so much happier if we were able to talk more openly about the adoption process itself. At present we recently received AO but haven't yet told our child, indeed it might be quite a long time and further down the line before we ever talk to them about the process 'properly' given their behaviour/ reactions so far. They are somewhat resistant to change of surname (understandably) and we're gradually bringing them along that journey (and not changing it in school yet), have shown more acceptance recently. But I've seen other adopters saying their child was better after the legal process and wished ours had the awareness/ understanding for that to be the case!

I wish you and your son all the very best.

Thank you for sharing this. I'm sorry that things have been more difficult in more recent years (albeit I suppose on an upwards trajectory...?) It's all so understandable, isn't it, but it must be incredibly difficult for you to deal with. Sending all my sympathy.

Thank you for sharing this. Many similarities between your situation and ours. We also intended to adopt an older child, it's just that we have had various things happen (that I don't want to mention on here as some will make us too identifiable) that have made us recognise how truly unusual it is (and also hanging out on adoption forums makes that clear too, there are very few posts from recent adopters of older primary age children).

I'd like to say we know the statistics but of course we don't because there aren't any specific statistics available! But we know and accept that adoption disruption and/or serious issues are more common in adoptions of older children. But what can you do? Our child was 'the one'!

Long may your good start continue!

(Ours hates Peppa Pig for some reason, but does often 'watch young')

Thanks for this. I think all adopted children have very sad circumstances behind it, something people who don't know much about adoption (which is most people) rarely get.

All lovely to read, again!

Can I ask, did you work during your son's childhood?

All credit to single adopters everywhere, I honestly don't know how any of you do it. Parenting is hard, single parenting is hard, single adoptive parenting I would think is just so much harder again. My spouse and I would go insane if we didn't have a 2 to 1 ratio!

@OldForANewMum

I think our situation was a little unusual in that he was with the same foster family for a long time,saw lots of other children come and go and was used to seeing dad every weekend, although dad was not really 'present'
He also lived quite rurally but is a city boy at heart. When he came to me he had so many more opportunities to do things. Cinema, theatre, swimming etc was a big treat in FC because of distance to town and demands on FC time from several children. He came to me and went swimming 3 times a week, tennis lessons, cubs, lots of social stuff. He just lapped it up, couldn't get enough of new experiences.
It obviously also makes a huge difference what the child's individual experience was. My son was never deliberately harmed, but was grossly neglected, so his memories reflect that. And something very specific to him, although he loved his FC, they were also dog breeders, and he does not like dogs. I had a cat, he likes cats. Small but significant things.
I would strongly recommend therapeutic life story work when your child is older. It really was life changing for us. Although my son gives a good impression to the world that he's OK with everything, that he takes it all in his stride, he saved it all the negative stuff for me. It took him a very long time to open up to other people, and it's still really only me and my parents.

Last summer he decided he wanted to be baptised. He'd been going to church for a long time. Before the baptism he had to give his testimony about his journey to faith. The first thing he said was about being adopted, only a few people in church knew. It was clear that being adopted has had a profound impact on him. He knows his life would have been very different. My boy is deep ! It was a very emotional moment.
Its still relatively early days for you. We are 13 years down the line. A lot of work, a lot of talking, a lot of just building a life and letting your child know you are there no matter what. And also not making everything about adoption, but nurturing their hopes and dreams and seeing where it takes them and you.

@OldForANewMum

Yes I did work. Fortunately had very flexible employer in the shape of the civil service. Also lucky enough to get an adoption allowance. He had DLA which meant I qualified for some tax credits.
So I was relatively well funded. For the first few years I worked 18 hours over three days. When he went to secondary I upped it to 23 hours over 4 days, then when he was 15, up to 30 hours over 4 days.
I needed the break from him. And I never worked Fridays and kept that for fripperies like hairdressers and going to the gym. After a year I'd met a group of women and we started having breakfast together. 12 years later we still do. It's my sanity saver, stuff the cleaning and washing- I'm off for a sausage sarnie !

Thank you for both of your additional posts, the extra information you've shared really resonates with me. I don't want to share too much online but suffice to say that some of what you say about the 'immediate advantages' of being with you for your son, applies in a slightly different way to our child also. Unfortunately the thing they miss is having other children 'on tap' to play with, despite the fact that the other child in foster care with them, bullied them. I think this is really more linked to the fact they are not with their siblings (if we hadn't adopted them they would've lost contact with their siblings who were adopted earlier, so it's great they're now in regular contact. But the fact it could've been even worse is of course no consolation whatsoever to our child right now!)

Anyway I really appreciate you sharing your experiences and insights. Thank you.