Anyone else just starting out their adoption journey?

[Eldermilleniallyogii]

DH and I have just decided to start the process to adopt a child. When I say just decided I don't mean an overnight decision, it's something we've been discussing for 5-6 years, but just now we've decided to start the process. We've been to an information evening and the next stop is a home visit.

We're not telling anyone yet so I want to talk about it to be honest and maybe speak to others doing the same thing as I don't know anyone IRL who has adopted.

Welcome. We adopted 18 years ago, it has been the best but also hardest thing I have ever done.
The process will have changed alot, but we adopted 2 girls then aged nearly 8 and 2.5.

I started last May, so relatively recently. Its really exciting but also nerve racking and takes up a lot of head space.

@UnderTheNameOfSanders Thanks that's really lovely to hear. Were there any challenges you faced if you don't mind me asking?

Did you have contact with their birthday parents? That's one thing that was raised at the meeting we went to that I'd like to know more about.

@Bestfadeplans How far along are to in the process?

I'm in stage 2. Just finished the home visits and got last day of training next week. I've enjoyed it so far.

Ah good luck on your journey! DH and I adopted our little boy came home at 23 months nearly 4 years ago now. The whole process took around 18 months. It feels like a life time ago!

good luck!

Contact: we had a meet with birth mum during intros, and then have done letterbox twice a year since then.

Challenges: Adoption process was relatively smooth, if slow, for us. Biggest challenges for each DD have come at about age 16. Eldest found a boyfriend and everything and everyone else got dropped. Youngest had m issues, also coinciding with pandemic, 5 years on much improved but still impacts.

@Bestfadeplans May I ask if that's a usual amount of time? We had in mind the process would take less than a year unless we take time not that we are in a rush. Forgive my curiosity!

@Noimaginationforaun ah lovely - thank you

@UnderTheNameOfSanders Thanks yes they mentioned in the info evening keeping in touch with the birth family but the parent who spoke also said they did a letter annually. I take it the birth parents don't know where you live? This makes me nervous for some reason!

The challenges sound tough but they may not be specific to the adoption. It does sound like it takes longer than we are expecting.

I need to book that home visit!

The birth parents don't know where we live (though DD1 did bump into birth mum as an older teen once in nearest city).
We were strict with no photos online, social media, school, newspapers. As time goes on we worried less.
We exchange photos but use ones in neutral locations or on holidays, it isn't a big deal.

Re letterbox. I do one page typed A4 plus 4 photos every time. Same format so they know what to expect.

So I (along with many other adopters) was told I could complete the process AND have a child with me within 6 months. Hahahaha

It took them 4 months to complete references and then 5 months for medicals! I'm not matched yet but my social worker has said she hopes I have a child with me by Xmas. So that will be 19 months.

In terms of timelines Stage 1 and 2 if straightforward shouldn’t really take more than a year. It’s the matching that is an unknown quantity. We first expressed interest in August 2021, were approved at panel Nov 22. Linked with a child in September 23, matching panel approved in November 23, AD moved in Feb 2024. So been with us for just over 1 year. It really depends on your requirements and what you are open to as to how long it could take to be matched. Best thing we’ve ever done. We also have a birth child. Good luck.

@Bestfadeplans ah wow that's interesting so it takes longer than they say then it seems!

Again not in a rush but good to know what I expect

@UnderTheNameOfSanders I hadn't thought about it before the meeting but it makes sense they wouldn't know where you live. I was surprised when they mentioned contact as I thought they may mean something else!

@Jenhen1982 Ah wow that is a long time! We have a birth child too and not too picky about what we want but I understand they'd place a younger child with us than the child we have (who is nearly 4) and DH wants a younger one. I think the younger the better but obviously a lot of people want younger children and there are lots of children of all ages who need a home and that's our reason for doing it. For us it's a conscious decision to adopt rather than have another baby.

There's 2 types of contact:
Letterbox where letters are exchanged via social services, and direct face to face.

Direct goes in and out of fashion as the benefits and downsides get researched.

I will have to look into this more as we progress with things

We're at the last stage of the process now.

My main advice would be to ignore any timeline you're given. Social services and courts are massively busy and you have to wait for a panel that can fit you in. Essentially it all takes a while.

We had to pause stage 2 due to one of our parents becoming very ill. We paused for 6 weeks but it was still just over a year from start of training to approval panel. Then it took a month for a match and another delay due to birth family before matching panel and intros so another 5 months before we got to meet LO.

Not sure if it's the same everywhere but trying to get anything done over the summer was a PITA as everyone goes on holiday and their work isn't really covered unless it's an emergency.

When you say "the younger the better" why do you think that? Because that's the kind of thing they'll really probe you for in stage 2.

WRT birth parents, our training group consisted of 6 couples. 3 have met birth parents once and are now doing letterbox.
2 of us have birth parents who don't want to meet and have requested letterbox only and 1 has birth parents who are a safety risk so meeting isn't an option.

I found the process quite stressful as there are so many unknowns to plan for, and I found the stage 2 questions quite intrusive - but it's all done for the right reasons.
I would also imagine a big focus is going to be on how your BC will cope as they're still quite young so I'd have a think about how you're going to approach that and make sure they both feel secure, safe and attached to you.

@FinallyMummy Thanks for sharing. Does that mean you have vern matched but don't have your AC yet?

When we went to an info evening a few years ago they mentioned the adoptive child being the youngest by at least two years so we have in mind 0-2 as our child is under 4 although taking into account delays and I don't know if it's a hard and fast rule. DH suggested the younger the better because it's more likely they will settle with us I think and maybe have fewer issues but then my attitude is slightly different in that I am content to take an old child and one with some issues as they all deserve a home but also need to be conscious of the child we have.

What do you mean when you say they may probe on this?

I feel that from our child's point of view adopting a sibling shouldn't be much different to having another BC but I may need to do some research on this?

When you start your training your will learn a lot about the differences you may see between younger children versus older children. Taking a baby or a very young child under 1 there tend to be a lot of unknowns around medical aspects for that child and this can mean there will be things that could develop as they grow that you weren’t aware of. We adopted a 3 year old girl and based on all the information provided and how she is doing with all her milestones we had a good indication of the risks here. This doesn’t of course illuminate things that could surface school age or later but so far so good. We were also very clear about what we could take on in terms of disabilities and challenges because we have a birth child. We decided once we were approved and started looking that we didn't want a child under 2. Whereas when we first started we had said 0-4. You will learn a lot. A good read is No Matter What by Sally Donovan. Good luck

That's really helpful @Jenhen1982 and interesting re the unknowns with younger children. I didn't think they'd give us a child older than the child we have but we have requested a home visit so we will discuss this. I will look up that book.

Adoption UK is really good and do really helpful zoom meet ups for prospective adopters regularly,I always recommend them.they have a webinar on adopting with BC too.our process took 3 years,as others have said dont have high expectations on speed.we have BC first and yes 2 years younger is normal.it is tough for the older children I think as youngest has a lot of challenges which you can expect and we spend a lot of time managing that so can be easier when the BC are abit older and able to do more for themselves physically.

Our LO has been home since late last year but process took 22 months from start of training to getting LO home.
Process is ongoing though as they need to be with you for a certain amount of weeks (10 legally but again, it's likely to be late).
We're now waiting on court dates for the adoption order hearings but the judges calendars are bonkers.

The younger the better approach is quite common - everyone in our training group thought this at the start but some of us changed our minds.
If you have a child who is 11months old, you won't necessarily be aware of any developmental or medical issues as they may not be apparent yet, but with an older child you should have more information.

Also, the idea that there will be less trauma as they are younger isn't correct and is something they'll cover in training.
This changed our minds quite a lot - we ended up matched with a child who was 3 and having LO who could say "don't like it" and "yes" to various things did make settling in a bit easier.

The process is designed to push you into really considering what you can handle, but they approach it as looking for the right parents for the children who are awaiting adoption.

I would definitely do some research on adopting with a BC.
It would be normal for your child to feel insecure and it effect behaviour if you were to pregnant with a sibling however, an adopted child is likely to need so much of your time and attention to settle in that it could really throw your BC off.

For example, in my group, one couples LO was 18 months old coming home but regressed a fair bit so if she wasn't eating or playing, she was essentially put in a sling and attached to mum all day every day for weeks and weeks.
My LO was older but I spent the first few weeks with an unsettled shadow who I narrated my every move to (literally “We’re putting the clothes in the washing machine and now we’re pressing the buttons. Shall we put our shoes on and go to the park? Great, I’m just getting our shoes and now we’re putting them on our feet” etc). I had no real time for anything else so I would imagine doing it with a BC would be hard.

All that being said, I don't want to put you off. It's a tough road but my LO is amazing. Settled, funny, personality is coming out so much and it now feels like they've always been here.

Yes you’re right. Any adopted child will need to be younger than any other children. They don’t like to disrupt existing hierarchies. So you could be open to 0-2 at the moment but by the time you are approved and family finding your birth child could be 5 or even 6 so you could push to 0-4.

When we started our birth son was not quite 6 and he was 9 by the time we adopted. So big difference.