At the end of my wits not sure how much more I can take

[Gafan]

Hi
I have posted here on and off for a few different issues but the main one being my child anger.
So he is now 9 and was adopted at 2.5.

We have had him see a playdate therapist from about 6 to 8 privately funded and at the time she did enough.
We have had a therapist via ASF for all of us and the outcome was that my hubby and son were good but I struggled to parent him and needed work.
I have completed the therapy last October..
However since Christmas my son anger is I think uncontrollable he fly's off the handle over everything, his first default is anger so if he has something in his hand it's thrown, frequently slams doors, screams so loudly, he constantly has to be right, doesn't listen to anything, arguments everything so last week we had a SW catch up meeting and I was planning on saying actually we need more help and she has decided to dismiss us as we just need to continue therapeutic parenting and magically it's all going to be ok.
I was really honest and said I wasn't happy but she said she would talk to her boss and they have agreed to dismiss us but are having one last meeting next week.

So where I'm at I'm basically done I don't want this life anymore I am fed up and you ill with the continuous screaming, shouting, obstinate , anger and behaviour.

I feel like I'm in a abusive relationship and if he wasn't 9 years old and we weren't mum son I would walk away because I would never let anyone speak to me and treat me and my husband like he does but obviously it's not an option.

So I think I'm after some advice I would like some space as I think my mental health is at a all time low and would like to leave for a couple of days but is this going to be really detrimental or will it be enough that my child might think this is serious....I know the answer of course he will he impacted he's been abandoned once I read all the information been told by the experts but I can't see another way out.
I love my husband he's everything but I think we will split up if we all carry on and that is not going to be the correct answer also..
Any ideas?? How do I get this situation bearable, we have had lots of help, school are brilliant we spent hundreds on therapy but he's still the angry kid he was 7 years ago.

Thanks for reading.

I'm really sorry. It can be incredibly hard. I had non violent girls so am not in your situation but I hope others have some thoughts x

I just read this https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/mar/06/my-child-would-use-anything-as-a-weapon-the-parents-who-live-in-fear-of-their-offspring?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

I don’t think taking a couple of days away will necessarily be detrimental - but it sounds like you’d be telling your son you’re leaving because of him, which would be hugely detrimental. It’s not unusual for a parent to have a weekend away on their own with friends - or just on their own. If it will give you some breathing space then take some time out. Can your DH similarly have some space?

It’s very unfortunate the therapist decided you were the one struggling - I know for me I’d feel quite blamed, but a family is a system where all parts impact on the other. As a woman being subjected to male violence (even as a mum) your nervous system will be all over the place. When we feel threatened our fight or flight kicks in instinctively - of course as parents we can’t act on that so every time you continue to care for your child in that state you’re fighting your own instinct to keep yourself safe. Of course you’re going to struggle with that. And professionals get quite stuck with child to parent violence so invariably say it’s a lack of parenting rather than finding the root of the anger. It’s awful to be scared in your own home.

How does the anger manifest towards your DH, does he get hit, things thrown etc or is that reserved for you? Does your DH intervene when your DS is angry?

That's a very difficult situation. Have you let your sw know that your family is at risk of break up? In order to get more support, you need to be in the high need category and risk of breakup or disruption would put you there. Why has the ASF not funded your son's therapy? Or was this in addition to therapy that was funded?

Just some ideas: You say school is great, but it sounds as if your son is holding things together in school but he might be completely overwhelmed and that comes out as aggression at home. Has this been considered? Could your son have ADHD? If yes, medication can make a big difference to the aggression. Does he know lots of regulation strategies like holding an ice cube, bouncing on a trampoline, yoga etc? Have you considered EMDR? I think age 9/10 is the youngest it can be tried. It seems more successful than a lot of other therapies for trauma. Have you come across this: https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/ This is for therapists treating adults, but I find their courses very educational: https://www.nicabm.com/program/anger/?itl=store They advertise courses for 50% in their newsletter daily.

EMDR isn’t great for complex trauma, it’s very effective where there is an identifiable incident but can be retraumatising where there are multiple, inseparable traumas. In adults you can sometimes use one incident to “represent” the others but children don’t have the same cognitive capacity so it’s much more tricky. It is worth asking about though because there may be new developments I’m not aware of.

In terms of social work, I’ve found it helps if I’m quite specific about what I’m looking for from them rather than saying I need help. Otherwise you end up in a cycle of pretty useless parenting classes when what you need is specific support/intervention. For example I have social work involved in helping assess my DDs education provision because while she’s in a specialist school the placement isn’t really working for her. They’re doing a full assessment of need and have come up with some quite creative ideas on how to improve things.

I do agree it’s worth looking at all the stress points in his life even if he seems to be coping. He may be experiencing general overwhelm that’s coming out at home.

I know this will be unpopular here but I’d also be setting some hard boundaries around violence and aggression. It’s fine to be angry, but lashing out isn’t ok - so yes to other strategies (lots of movement, sensory activities etc) but a hard “no” to throwing things (unless you have a safe throwing game/place he can throw things) and an absolute “no” to hitting or violence. He must feel very out of control if he’s lashing out like that, which will be scary for him, so he needs the adults in his life to be in control. For me that has meant safely restraining, removing the child from things they can throw, imposing completely consistent consequences for violent or aggressive behaviour. Therapeutic parenting isn’t about taking whatever they throw at you (metaphorically or literally), it means clear, safe boundaries enforced with love, compassion and empathy.

Your DH needs to be on board, showing an absolutely united front. Traumatised kids are very good at splitting and playing one off against the other - it’s a survival strategy - so you and your DH need to be on the same page. Agree how you both will deal with every single incident of name calling, aggression or violence and stick to it. You can understand where it comes from, and have real empathy for how he’s feeling while also holding him steady.

I'm no expert whatsoever. When I've read about situations like yours and the social workers are dismissive I've often heard of parents threatening the adoption breakdown to force the social workers hand. Please don't shoot me down, I've no idea how good/bad idea this is, but I can understand why parents do it.

Hi Gafan,

There are reasons why birth parents are unable to put their child's needs before their own, why they lead chaotic lifestyles and can't parent properly. The most common reason is because they themselves have undiagnosed mental health conditions which get passed onto the next generation. So an adopted child's behaviour is a mixture of attachment/developmental trauma and undiagnosed conditions such as ADHD,ODD, ASD, PDA, specific learning difficulties, sensory issues etc. My advice to you would be to get a full assessment looking at these conditions. As stated above ADHD and ODD does indeed respond well to medication. ASD can lead to very high anxiety levels because the child spends all day masking (trying to fit in with peer's) and once home the anxiety gets dumped in the form of challenging behaviour. Going very low demand at home can really help in terms of reducing the triggers and therefore the episodes of challenging behaviour.

My daughter was exactly the same and diagnosed with ADHD/ODD/ASD and specific learning difficulties. It's been really hard over the years so I know exactly where you are coming from. Keep social services and school updated with what you are dealing with. Also never feel guilty about taking time out for yourself - if you don't it will lead to blocked care and secondary trauma for you. Need to put your own oxygen mask on first before you can help anyone else. Also look at NVR training for you and your husband too. Beacon house also has lots of good information re attachment. Look at OT and SaLT assessments as well.

Sending hugs xxx