Are adult adoptees more likely to stay in an abusive marriage?

[Thethingswedoforlove]

This genuinely isn’t me. But I do know someone well who is in an abusive marriage, recognises it and wants to be out of it. Yet somehow just can’t bring themselves to leave. They somehow seem to only be able to carry on pleasing their spouse. Their dcs are adults but somehow can’t bring themselves to hurt them despite a horrific level of emotional abuse from their spouse. Is it normal for adult adoptees to be unable to leave a marriage despite it being clearly and objectively in their best interests to do so (explicitly acknowledged by them).

Lots of people stay in abusive situations, not just adoptees.

If you have actrauma background you are going to have a preferred response - flee, fight, freeze, faun. So some adoptees will be off at the slightest hint on trouble while others will get into battles and others will stay put either in a kind of stuck state while others will be as nice as possible.

Both of my adopted daughters would use flight.

But also Nancy Verrier in her book The Primal Wound identified a kind of helplessness in adult adoptees, where they can become quite dependent on other people to fix things for them. This is more for people adopted at birth rather than experiencing trauma.

@Arran2024 thank you. I know re abusive relationships. I am wondering whether therapy might help them. They are very independent people pleasers. It seems they just have to keep on pleasing this abusive spouse. It’s so so heartbreaking and so so hard to get but I have never walked in the shoes of an adoptive person and I so so know I can never ever hope to have even a glimpse of what life is like for them. And has been their whole life. But they do talk to me about it and do want to move forwards. They think that perhaps by addressing some of the adoption trauma through therapy they might then be able to take some relationship related steps too.

I have read the primal wound several times and introduced this person to it. It was a huge eye opener for them and very moving as they felt for the first time ever their feelings were valid.

Good therapy would focus on the here and now impact of the past, and help the individual identify their own wants and needs and help them build and strengthen boundaries. Even when working with trauma, the focus is on the impact now, this person may not make links between adoption and staying in the relationship, there may be no relationship to adoption, there may be other factors that make them stay. It’s incredibly hard to leave an abusive relationship even when everyone looking in knows that it’s the right thing to do.

@Jellycatspyjamas thank you so much. It’s so hard to witness. Is there a difference between leaving yourself and letting them go if they threaten to walk away? There seems to be an imperative urge to continue to please them and win them back again. When it could be so easy to let them go. But I know I simply can’t understand any of it because it isn’t my reality.

Remember the relationship didn’t start with abuse, it started with romance and love bombing and the abuse came along once she was hooked. The dynamics of abuse leave you feeling like it’s your fault, and that you literally couldn’t live without him - I’ve known women who couldn’t decide what to have for dinner without permission. Even though the abuse is awful, it’s also very very frightening to live life alone when he’s made you think you can’t tie your own shoelaces. You leaving/him leaving are just two sides of the same shitty coin.

Ive seen that dynamic play out in professional adults with no known attachment difficulties or trauma, so its not necessarily an adoption thing, often a poor self esteem, poor boundaries, groomed into it thing.

@Jellycatspyjamas youvare so wise. Thank you. They are beginning their search journey too and are not feeling able to tell their spouse about that. Maybe guilt makes them try even harder to please their spouse at the moment. Maybe it’s entirely different as you say. I will just continue to be there for them. It’s a hard enough journey to be on for them without an abusive spouse. Their therapist did say that after coming to terms with the impact of thekr adoption on fheir ‘today’ it’s possible they might choose to leave the relationship as they might feel more ‘themselves’ but I’m not sure if they have mentioned how abusive the relationship is to their therapist yet.

I'm adopted (baby) & didn't get on with my adoptive mother at all (& she was bloody awful to me).
I am sure not being valued as a child definitely shaped who I am & how I react in my relationships. Only one in four adoptions are positive apparently. 😞It has made me a strong person, but I criticize myself all the time.

If someone who was adopted and in an abusive marriage’s
partner chooses to end the marriage is that likely
to be a rejection trigger for the person? I intellectually know it is-
this person really struggles with rejection hugely. But as they really can’t stand the person they are married to it is hard to know how to provide support when I know I can’t understand the struggles they are going through. Any advice ?