Buying things/stocking up

[Hippocalipo]

Hi

At what point in the process did you start buying things for your children? And was there things you didn't risk buying?

Friends and family have different opinions on when and if you should buy things.

Hi @Hippocalipo
Not until matched and confident he was coming home, unless it was very generic things.
Until.you are matched you really can't be certain about age, sex, number of children. You also need to take into account that children will bring things from their foster carers.
It's very hard waiting, the need to nest is strong.
I was pretty sure I'd end up with a boy, and I did. But he was nearly 2 years old than I envisaged. He also has ASD and do had very specific interests. And he had tons of stuff from foster care.
The only things I bought in advance were a couple of board games and some classic children's books.
I actually bought a lot more for me - to provide a cushion when my income dropped during adoption leave. I made sure I had decent winter coats, shoes etc for hanging round in playgrounds. Also about 6 months supply of non perishables, toiletries, cleaning stuff

Thank you. I've only bought in books so far and a couple of toys. But everyone keeps telling me to buy clothes. I can't envision how much stuff they'll leave foster carers with.

@Hippocalipo

Are you matched at this point?

I think this may be a point at which you have to tell 'everyone ' to butt out - politely of course!
I assume they aren't newborns who have very little, maybe your friends and family have a particular impression of foster care and how these children have been looked after.

You are the adopter, you've done the training, 'everyone' hasn't.

There's lots of things to take into account, the age of the child, what they are bringing with them from FC, keeping some familiarity for the child and not overwhelming the child with loads of new stuff.

Don't forget, children grow quickly, If what they bring with them isn't to your taste, they'll soon need new stuff so you can start changing things up.
My son came with lots of clothes, all really good quality. They lived in the country and the FCs lived in sludgy browns and greens, barbour jackets - very rural pony and dogs so she dressed the kids for that lifestyle.
I live in the city, my son was transformed by a bit of colour in his wardrobe. He arrived in March, by the end of the summer he'd outgrown all the winter stuff he brought with him.
Having said that, no harm getting a few things but personally I wouldn't go overboard

I wouldn't buy clothes. They come with their own and it is recommended not to dump their clothes at the beginning as everything is so new, it's nice for them to have some continuity. And children grow quickly. You will start adding to their wardrobe as and when, and people will give you gifts.

Mine LO was 8 months when they moved in. The foster carer kept telling me that they had loads of clothes but they actually arrived with two brand new outfits which FC’s neighbours had kindly bought as a leaving gift, and about 3 pairs of leggings and two tops. That wasn’t my idea of lots of clothes so I had to do a shop quickly.
bear in mind though that there is almost nothing you can’t get next day delivery so there’s never much need to buy stuff in advance beyond the need to ‘nest’. But nesting is a lovely part of preparing for a child and it’s understandable to want to buy things.

if you are matched already, what is the age of your LO?

Two types of buying imo
The things you buy to solidify your hope. Just a few cute things like your books. If it all comes crashing down then the only solid thing will be those. So ignore people warning you against buying anything.
Foster carers get a clothing allowance. They might not be rushing out to buy stuff whilst adoption order going through. So your child may, like mine, arrive in clothes too small. And without coats etc in the depths of winter. But it really only takes minutes to order stuff online or ask a friend to drop something outside the front door. But 1-2 new things. (not all fc are like this)
Look at your storage - do you have a set up to store the next 4 sizes up. You get given a lot, you spot bargains. Have a box for each size that you can reach.
Have you got a box for the too small things they come with. You might want to store it all until you can sort and get rid. (Took me 4 years).

We cleared the spare room when we had our approval panel.
When we were matched and started that process we painted the walls and bought curtains. Then just as we had matching panel we bought bedroom furniture.
After matching panel we spoke to foster carers a lot and they helped us choosing a buggy (we got the same one they had) and up to date height for a car seat.

For the little things, DH got excited as soon as we were matched and bought one of those play mats with roads etc on and as it was likely LO was coming home mid autumn I bought a Christmas jumper and PJs.

We spoke to foster carers a lot about what LO was coming with and it was a lot. A full wardrobe (most of which wasn't to our taste) and more toys than we could store!

I will admit that during intros we went shopping and ended up buying PJs and some clothes purely out of excitement but the truth is, when LO came, he wanted the PJs he knew and loved already. He had favourite jumpers and shoes (he was 2).

He very quickly outgrew the things he'd brought with him but even then, when he got ill and it unsettled him, squeezing him into his slightly too small favourite PJs comforted him a lot.

I tried to channel my nesting into things like the curtains, bedding, cushions, and buying clothes for the next size up. Like you, I also bought several nice children's books and we bought a teddy as our transition item that now lives on his bed.

Also, don't underestimate how much people will buy for you. We ended up with 2 onesies, 2 dressing gowns, several pairs of slippers and several outfits.

If you feel the need to shop, buy storage! We've had to invest in lots of boxes etc as LO came with lots and then we had Christmas and our house was overrun with toys!

In terms of stocking up, it really also depends as others have said what your set up is. If you have a garage or under the bed space, by all means, it never hurts to have some extra trackies and shoes you saw on sale in a size or two bigger in a box for whenever the inevitable growth spurt cames on. I'm also a charity shop fan- easy come, easy go, but it requires a bit more of a long term view of what the kids need and the ability to store stuff.

Ours both came with loads of stuff. On their move in day, and for weeks afterwards we had bags and bags of toys and clothes and memory boxes that we really struggled with because we didn't quite know what was important and what was just... stuff. It shifted our focus from the kids to the stuff, and they had to play around it.

If you are asking for advice about what not to buy, I have plenty 🤣 consider me a deinfluencer! (Usual pre emptive caveat that this worked for us but other people might disagree!)

Ours were 2 and 3 when they came to us. The stuff we didn't bother with, or wish we hadn't included:

Jigsaws and things with small pieces (absolute bloody nightmare when they are tipped over), increased our stress levels no end. One or two, fine, but ours ended up getting all the pieces confused.

Basic "under" clothes (before you get them)- once they get confortable with you, they might start working out that they don't like certain textures or materials, or just that they prefer certain cartoon characters for example.

Smart wear. For some reason I bought several light coloured chinos and shirts for my children as though they would be attending a summer garden party every day. We all dossed around in trackies for 98% of the time!

Cot beds if they are on the cusp. we just ended up going straight to a toddler bed. Ditto bedding sets etc.

Toys in general. You end up picking up toys from everywhere, people give them to you, you can get them for a couple of quid from charity shops, Christmas, birthdays etc. Most kids don't need a tonne of toys, and it can be a bit overwhelming to know what to play with. You also want your focus to be on playing with them, not choosing or tidying toys.

Too much of anything consumable in the stage the child is currently at. So for example, weaning foods, bath products, etc. firstly they will grow, but secondly it might not actually suit your needs. We bulk bought a load of rusks at the FC advice only to find it was unnecessary and we were left with a load of them.

Nappies and pull ups, unless you are confident with the brand. Ours came in pampers, but when they were still leaking. we switched to Aldi own brand and they fit them so much better. We had to go through several weeks worth of pampers first though.

Things I would suggest "stocking up" on:

Your own medication-sort out a few months supply from the pharmacy if you can.

Painkillers and general first aid stuff for both kids and you (plasters are a great visible way of soothing all sorts of ailments, Calpol and ibuprofen because it's a time of huge stress so the child is probably going to be sick at some point in the first few weeks!)

Checking any subscriptions that might be going out of date and cancelling or pre renewing.

Your own toiletries -shampoo and conditioner

Easy cook and air fryer goods. The best present my mother ever bought me was my air fryer and it got used ever single day for fish fingers and chips for the eldest.

Washing powder

Spare shoes for the car/nursery. We always keep an eye out for cheap or charity shop shoes to bung in the boot of the car or nursery bag so that we don't have to stress about wet feet.

Spare trainers, shoes and wellies for yourself. Mine took a battering!

Outdoor wear. We always have spare coats and waterproof trousers because the kids are outdoors kids and they get them wet and grow out of them. I prefer bright colours so that I can see them in the park if at all possible, and depending on the trends in the shop at the time, they might be harder to find. We have a main coat, a coat for nursery and/or dirty wear and a coat for best. Oh

School uniform- I'm forever on the look out for school uniform bits and pieces in the 50p bin at charity shops because goodness me we go through school trousers and jumpers at a rate of knots!

Not clothes. I had to wait for my DDs to grow out if things before I could buy clothes, and they were slow growing!

We didn't buy until we were the only couple they were going forward to panel with. Then we painted rooms and bought cot bed and made rooms look nice but empty enough for their own things.

I would say hold fire as long as you can even for tiny ones on the big ticket items. Our LO was a month old when she came to us from a Mother and Baby unit. The social workers told us that birth Mum had nothing to pass on, but that was incorrect. As a result our flat looked like the baby dept of John Lewis for a couple of months as we had 2 of everything! e.g.car seat, pram, etc. In some cases, there were 3 versions of the same thing! Then as we were doing EP, we did contact for 10 months, 3 times a week and the birth parents brought mountains of clothes, toys and nappies every time. It was overwhelming but understandable - they wanted to look after the child they were not able to look after day-to-day. We made sure to always dress her in outfits from her parents for contact, use the nappies they provided for the contact bag and so on. There was more than she could possibly wear. None of it was my taste - a lot of pink and Minnie Mouse - but in such an extreme, stressful situation it was the least of our worries. And on non-contact days I loved being able to put her in comfy, gender neutral knits I had got for her or made for her. As she grew out of stuff, we passed it on to the local baby bank, so that felt good as there was so much stuff inevitably a lot ofbit didn't get worn or used at all.

Mine (aged 5 and 6 at the time) came with overall very little stuff from the foster carers: no toys, very few teddies but quite a few clothes.

I wanted to buy some clothes, so I did. My children loved wearing the new stuff. They also still wore the things from the foster carer's, so we mixed and matched and that suited all of us. They enjoyed wearing fancy stuff. I am saying that, because someone else said their kids wore tracksuits all the time - you really cannot predict before talking to the foster carers and meeting your children.

I would ask the foster carer which shampoo, washing powder and anything else with a fragrance they use, so that stays the same. We also asked if we could take the kids' duvets, so they felt and smelled familiar.

We bought children's cutlery and plates (melamine), bath toys, some non-competitive games, fleece blankets, children's bedding, some clothes, name posters for over their beds, towels with names, car seats. I knitted some clothes for them, which they loved.

We started buying a few things after meeting their social workers. It was very clear that the match would go forward.

I wouldn’t buy anything until your matched and a date set for transitions as exciting as it all is.

we panic bought all sorts and ended up taking most of it back. In all honesty we could have picked up the necessity in one trip to a big Tesco.

The amount of clothes he came with was mind blowing. Our little boy was an EPP case and he would see birth parents twice a week in the early days and they would always send back bags full of stuff to give us from baby formula to new outfits. That was on top of what the foster carer handed over - bath, clothes, toys.

appreciate all circumstances will be different but as a first time parent we could have wasted so much money. The other consideration is all their stuff is familiar to them at a time when they are going through a massive change so as little as it might seem, wearing familiar clothes that smell of foster carer or parents is probably quite comforting to them, we even went as far as changing laundry detergent to the same as the foster carer used.

Anything you need you can send out for on amazon or you might really welcome those reasons to go out shopping - I know we did it gave us something to do in those early days.

Thank you everyone. Some really great insights.

I've got a potential match (match panel- may)

So far I've just bought some books and jigsaws, I decided I'm ok to buy things that I'd be more annoyed at losing out on than I would be at them going to waste if they aren't to little ones taste/need.

I didn't realise some children come with car seats and prams etc I thought it would just be clothes and toys.