Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Advice re Food and overeating

15 replies

FluffyCat17 · 17/02/2025 14:05

Our daughter suffered chronic neglect and as such struggles whenever she feels the tiniest bit hungry. She has to eat immediately. Although she knows about healthy food, she is getting quite a tummy and we are concerned both for her health but also re bullying.

We have had problems with this from the get-go and tried not to focus on it, not wanting her to go the other way and develop an eating disorder. When she was younger it was easier to control what she had access to but now we are clashing a lot, as teenage hormones also kick in.

Has anyone got any useful advice or experience please?

OP posts:
Ted27 · 18/02/2025 12:44

@FluffyCat17

Food issues are so common.

I don't have any great words of wisdom but saw you hadn't any replies so just wanted to send support.
We've had issues on and off here buy nothing prolonged.
My current foster child either refuses or binges.
I make sure fruit is available all the time and leave small amounts of food I'm happy for him to eat in the fridge or a drawer he knows he can use. Eg a pack of 10 mini rolls will disappear in an hour so I leave 2 in the drawer. I try and keep his activity levels up but not easy when they are teens!

Jellycatspyjamas · 18/02/2025 13:35

I agree with @Ted27, my DD has good issues too but more from a restricting point of view.

I have a fruit bowl always available and have snacks available but not a free for all. Something that worked when my two were younger was having a snack box daily with a mix of healthy things and treat type snacks. Once it was gone that was it.

You can’t control what she eats at school so I’d give an amount of money per day for lunch (and give it daily rather than putting X amount for the week). From there you can moderate meals at home

I remember someone telling me you can’t control what goes into them or what comes out, so try to relax about food and toiletting. It’s very difficult but if you try to support her where you can (including setting decent boundaries) there’s not much else you can physically do.

FluffyCat17 · 18/02/2025 15:35

Thanks Both.
I think we probably need to tighten up again in terms of what is available in the home, but the stroppy behaviour and boundary-pushing would likely increase - anything linked to food and she is straight on it.

OP posts:
Ted27 · 18/02/2025 20:39

@FluffyCat17

Just a thought, not sure how old she is or if she would respond to something like this but how about trying a timetable for her, 8am breakfast, 10.am snack, 1 pm lunch etc
And stick to times, so she would have some certainty about when food will appear

onlytherain · 18/02/2025 23:39

Whenever my daughter wanted to keep on eating even though she looked full to me, I asked her to feel into her tummy and I told her: "To me you look full" to help her make a link between eating and how she felt. I think that helped her.

Beetham · 19/02/2025 19:33

Yes😫 Both of mine have very significant issues around food, although for different reasons. For a while it literally dominated our lives and they did really unsafe things to get food or would eat very unsafe e.g. literally rotting food from neighbours bins. And although much improved its still a significant issue.

I'm replying more for solidarity than anything else though, I don't think I can be much help as mine are both primary age so much different in terms of my ability to control and guide them. Food issues are sooo hard and lonely to deal with as a parent. But all together it's made a big difference:

-very, very predictable food routines. I ensure there is never panic about if/when there will be food
-food in our house is social, eaten together, not alone and never in bedrooms
-younger DD is not in any way outdoorsy or active, would do nothing physical if she had the choice. I don't ever make her do exercise or anything that seems like it but try to build in being active wherever possible. It's hard as she's also disabled, but try walking to the shops, dog walks, loves music/dancing etc. But I'm really careful to not make her hate exercise even more than she already does. Just try to build being 'on the move' into each day.
-No shame or judgement ever, no talk about their appearances (although obvs I'm sure you already do this!)
-No talk of healthy food. No food is healthy or unhealthy in our house. I do talk about nutrition, for example I may casually talk about how this vegetable has lots of vitamins in, that helps our bodies grow strong. I also don't use the word calories but will talk about 'energy' in food, so if they've had a higher calorie dinner I may say 'I don't think I need as much energy at tea, can you help me choose something'
-no food as rewards. This is really hard but I really stick to this one. Food is never used to make them feel good, it's used to share together and nourish their bodies.
-the above also includes no Easter eggs, Christmas chocolates etc. It's just all they can think about and will fight to eat it all in one go. I give other gifts instead and ask family for money or themed little presents. Any food from school is eaten together e.g. share after tea with pudding or I'll swap it out for another present and we donate it to the food bank. I do hope this one will I can relax soon but for now they accept it fine.
-I do of course 'treat' them but never use the word treat. Treats are things to share together, never things they can binge on alone. E.g. trip to the seaside for fish and chips which is their absolute favourite.
-Try and get school onside. Their schools were originally not understanding but once they saw their behaviour/anxieties they understood more. School food is so poor and people don't take it seriously. I send in packed lunches, they are really nice lunches and take me ages but they're worth it.
-Make 'rules' clear to wider family.
-Nothing at all accessible in the house for snacks/binging. They can of course always ask me if they want something or there is always fruit and vegetables accessible to them (berries are much lower sugar, i couldnt leave out things like mango at the moment but a bowl of raspberries they can leave if theyre not hungry/anxious).
-linked to the above point I try to not set them up to fail. Leaving food out, eating little things in front of them, giving food as presents etc. is unfair to them.
-I always stick to the same standards they do, I always try to model healthy (in terms of mindset, and also nutritionally) behaviour around food.
-In meals I prioritise low calorie, nutrient rich foods. Lots of different types of veg cooked lots of different ways, proteins and healthy fats to fill them up, our food bill is high but its worth it!
-No rules about types of food e.g. at breakfast one of my children has porridge, the other has something not at all breakfasty like carrots, grilled corgette, cheese and bread. Or for pudding one of them has halloumi with chilli sauce 😂. But they are allowed to eat what works for them.

FluffyCat17 · 25/02/2025 11:36

Oh dear, I use 'healthy' food a lot!

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and tips. We do have set times for meals and snacks but she's starting sneaking food, which is new. I guess she is hungry due to growing but she is also looking a bit chubby.

She adores crisps and would have them every afternoon, so we say every other day (I would say once a week if it were possible). Then we have a blazing row (she's recently getting shouty due to hormones) on the fruit days, because she already had fruit at school for her morning snack...

OP posts:
Beetham · 25/02/2025 13:30

@FluffyCat17 In terms of the crisps, I wonder if it's worth conceding and have crisps everyday?

Maybe having them alternate days means she's constantly gearing up and down, either she's not getting them today or she won't be getting them tomorrow?

In terms of calories many of the multi-pack ones have 80-100 cals which is similar or likely less than fruit (e.g. an average apple is 100). So although she's missing out on the nutritional benefit of the fruit it's not going to have an impact on weight, and the nutrients can be found in other meals and snacks throughout the day. 'Grab bags' tend to be about 250 cals so for my children I would be more concerned about this (can you tell we have food issues?! I have an encyclopedic knowledge of calories now)

If it's important to her, then her getting crisps from you, helping you choose the ones she wants in the supermarket/making the shopping list, may be one small part of the solution to reduce anxieties which is driving her to sneak food.

I also found it really helpful to learn about satiety, for example pairing fats and proteins with her carbs. I enjoy fruit but generally only as a pudding as once I've had fruit as a snack it just makes me want to eat more and more because having had the (to be fair nutrient dense) sugar and carbs from the fruit I start craving fats and proteins. This is a natural body response but when accompanied by trauma and shame and adolescence can lead to binging and sneaking food. So adding something like peanut butter or hummus to fruit or veg might be helpful, although it will bump up the calories alot so it's always a trade-off!

Jellycatspyjamas · 25/02/2025 21:58

Remember that children often look a bit chubby before they grow - it’s like they grow out and then up. Obviously keep an eye on it but they do need the calories to support physical growth. I’d pick my battles around crisps, a multipack bag is usually less than 100 calories and if it means less fighting about food, it’s worth it in the context of a healthy diet.

FluffyCat17 · 24/03/2025 16:31

So I took advice from the thread and stopped trying to make crisps alternate days only.
Today she asked if she could take a bit of her money to school and go to a shop with a friend afterwards. This is the first time and we want to encourage independence but she's come home with a large bag of chocolate (100g), eaten it and then gone for her usual crisps. I have tried to handle it delicately but I worry whatever I say will lead to eating issues. Help!

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 24/03/2025 16:50

I think this is one of those developmental things, kids get their own money and control over what they buy and go overboard on crisps and chocolate. I fully expect my DS to live on chips and cheese when he goes to high school in August.

I guess the question is whether you need to say anything to her, whether you can manage things behind the scenes. I might restrict the amount she can spend in a day, ensure healthy meals and snacks at home, build in some exercise to her day.

Her friends will be buying crisps and sweets with their money so letting her have some independence and choice is important for her development.

I wonder too if rather than trying to control the symptoms (her eating), it’s worth looking at exploring her anxieties around food and food being available. It sounds like you’re dealing with an instinctive response in her, hence the shouting when she thinks food isn’t available. Crisps and sweets promote a soothing/comfort response which is why they’re so addictive, and may be why she’s reaching for them. Aside from it just being pleasurable. Have you accessed any therapeutic support for her? Not for food issues but for early trauma.

FluffyCat17 · 28/03/2025 08:57

We will have a think about this, as when she came to us she was not ready for any kind of therapy or intervention and she is more mature now. But I think the urges are unconscious, she reacts to the physical feeling of being hungry, so having some sort of therapy might uncover things which may not need digging up? I don’t think she has clear memories of the abuse and neglect because she was removed before she was three.
It’s very tempting to pick up battles and let this go, but we are concerned that she is becoming visibly overweight, and I don’t want it to start rebounding on her socially.

OP posts:
FluffyCat17 · 28/03/2025 08:58

I meant to pick our battles

OP posts:
swizzlestix · 12/04/2025 07:43

Theres a really good section on 'food issues' in the A-Z of therapeutic parenting by Sarah Naish that might be helpful to you

FluffyCat17 · 16/04/2025 00:12

oh that’s useful to know, we have that somewhere but I haven’t looked at it in a few years. Thanks!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread