How did it work out for you (whether parent or child)?

[Whatafustercluck]

My dsis and her husband adopted my then 5 and 7yo nephew's 11 years ago. They've had a lot of ups and downs over the years battling for diagnoses etc, but unfortunately dsis's husband is also an alcoholic who hasn't been around over the past few years much. He's been in and out of their lives, and it's my belief dsis got along much better with my nephews when he wasn't around. Sure, it was hard for her effectively being a single mum, but you could see their bond developing.

Anyway, her husband is back on the scene and moved back in a few months ago. He's been sober for the best past of a year, but all hell has broken loose.

Eldest nephew turned 18 recently. He has PDA and ADHD and a phone addiction which means that he is often so tired he cannot function well. It got to the stage where dsis asked him to leave and she's paid £4k to put him up in a bedsit. I don't really want to get into the details, but suffice to say that I've no doubt my nephew's conditions have been really hard to deal with, but I'm almost certain that dsis's husband being back on the scene has massively unsettled the dynamics and she's ultimately chosen her husband over her son.

As a family, me and dh and our two dc want a relationship with our nephew who remains in contact with us. Dh called him earlier and invited him over for Sunday lunch with us next week. I feel so, so sorry that it's ended like this, my nephew is very vulnerable and really only about 14 in his abilities and I don't want him to feel he's been totally abandoned. It's really got me thinking about all the dynamics involved (including attachment issues, mental health problems, addiction etc) that have played a role in it reaching this point. He doesn't want my dsis to know he's in touch with us, but I don't want to keep it a secret from her either. Likewise I dont want to break his confidence of we're the only ones he feels able to communicate with.

I suppose I wanted a range of views on whether their relationship is salvageable, and whether there's any advice on what I should do. Turning our back on this poor lad isn't an option, and it's clear his neurodivergence and mental health problems make him particularly vulnerable. He's currently holding down a job, is getting PIP and is trying to make a go of things. But he doesn't have the planning and organisational skills necessary to properly function and he's resisting help from the authorities and dsis, and he's extremely demand avoidant. I'm not sure what will become of him, and it breaks my heart.

Seventeen years in as a totally lone adopter to two here and the last six years have been like living in purgatory. If you asked my remaining living relatives, they would swear they had propped me up and now they're trying to impress social workers by convincing them they're grandmother and uncle of the year. They are not and the help has been lacking. Honestly, given my own (possibly jaundiced) opinion of the reality of adoption, and parenting a teen who is multiply disabled by their exposure to the toxic trio, resulting in several physical and mental disabilities as well as neurodivergences, I would commend your sister for sticking things out to 18 and then privately funding housing for her elder AS rather than throwing him on the mercy of Adult Services.

I'm curious to know if your sister's husband was an alcoholic pre-adoption or if the stresses of living with a severely traumatised child has driven him to drink? I'm not excusing his drinking, by the way.

Just to give you a snapshot of my life: my AD1 is violent, aggressive, verbally abusive, goes missing for days, has the police here most days/weeks, can't be trusted in a room with her adoptive sister who is half her age for fear of a serious assault, steals anything that can't be nailed down, lies constantly (minor, I know, but annoying nonetheless), oh, and she makes false allegations against me. Her finest moment was having me arrested on a false allegation of assault which saw he detained in custody for 21 hours, processed (searched, finger printed, DNA swabbed and mugshot photo) before being interviewed under caution with a duty solicitor present. The police decided No Further Action after they interviewed AD1 and she admitted she had made the whole thing up. My mental and physical health will never recover from this ordeal as well as the subsequent investigation by children's social care.

Believe me, if I had £4K, I would most definitely be housing AD1 safely but separately. I tried to secure a Section 20 agreement but my LA refused on the grounds that they would not be able to find a foster carer willing to accommodate her violence and other complexities.

It's great that you are staying in touch with and supporting your nephew but please be careful not to paint your sister and her husband as the bad guys. I would urge you to read up about reactive attachment disorder (there's much more research into this coming out of the US) to help you understand possibly why your sister reached the end of her rope. Also, and I really don't mean to be snidey, but it's amazing when adoptions are at breaking point or have broken down how many friends and family consider they might have done a better job. I am hoping that your sister has a chance to have some happiness in her life.

Hi. I would just caution against getting too involved. Traumatised people are brilliant at "splitting", where one parent is the "good" parent and the other is the "baddie" and they do it with family members too.

They can present a different side of themselves to one person too - for a while.

And adopters are often economical with the truth of what is really going on. You may only have a fraction of the story.

Def don't let him spit you and your sister. Tell her if you are seeing him but keep it neutral - don't suggest you have ideas you think might work as your sister has probably tried everything.

I suspect the husband is a bit of a red herring tbh. Your nephew has probably been really challenging and now he's 18 they aren't putting up with it any more x

Yes, you are so right about the classic 'splitting' behaviours. @Whatafustercluck my family's interference in my adoptive situation has caused me to go totally no contact - and I have never in all my decades fallen out with anyone before. Genuinely, I don't see why you can't be upfront and honest with your sister and your nephew about the fact that you love them both and you want them both in your life. Why would either of them object to this? I fear that you are being set up by your nephew. There's absolutely nothing wrong with your sister parenting at a distance now your nephew is 18. Many, many young people fly the nest at this age to go to university and then on to their careers.

Thank you for your comments, and I'm so sorry @Number4PrivetDrive for everything you've been through. Please don't think i believe I'd have done better because I absolutely know I couldn't have - and in fact most recently I've been saying to my dsis that her conscience is completely clear, because I know that she's the one who has been left to deal with everything and she really has tried absolutely everything. The situation has felt entirely hopeless, and I know it's brought her to her knees. I do have some experience, too, as my own dd was a school avoider and is on the autism diagnosis pathway (now well managed, and without any additional trauma involved - but it felt pretty hopeless when I was sustaining physical injury on a regular basis and she was unable to leave her bed).

I am however so, so angry about her dh's involvement. He's always had alcohol abuse problems, even before adoption, which have made him verbally aggressive over the years and i do strongly believe that he bears a huge responsibility. He has admitted he's had my nephew by the throat (and dsis has admitted that things were very much calmer before he moved back in). Even now, he has told my dsis that he won't pay for anything relating to my nephew - so it's her who has paid for the bedsit, just like it's been her who has largely fought for every bit of support for them over the years. I honestly do not blame my dsis that she has reached the end of her tether, I just wish she had made different choices re her husband.

Anyway, I've said that when my nephew comes to lunch, I don't want my own dc involved in keeping secrets. So I'm going to say that as dsis and I are close, I'll be telling her. She knows he remains in contact with my 14yo and they message each other a fair bit anyway.

It's made all the harder him turning 18, because dsis obviously can't handle his affairs for him now and she can no longer advocate for him. He says he's fine, coping and can do everything for himself but she knows he can't, yet the authorities now have to deal directly with him and aren't getting the full story. I genuinely think she's tried everything, at huge detriment to her own mental health.

But at the end of everything, theres still a vulnerable young person who is at risk here and without an apparent solution.