Adoption and Brothers Wedding

[HappyAdopter]

Hi! My wife and I have been approved and have matched with a child. It is my brother's wedding at the end of May . It's looking like transition will happen just before that and they may have been placed with us 1/2 weeks max.
We are not taking the children to the wedding but I am worried our SW will say that I should not go either. Is it unreasonable to say that I will go and our wife will stay home with the child? I am part of the wedding party .

Any advice welcome ...

I know of two couples who had weddings with in transitions week or just after they came home and social workers weren't too fussed. How long will you be gone for/where is it?

So it should be withing first couple of weeks they are back home with us. It's a 50 minute drive away . But my wife will stay with the child then I will attend the wedding and either come home that night or first thing the next morning .
When we spoke about it in early stages it was said we wouldn't be able to take the child with us because would be too much for them which I get . I just wasn't sure if they would say I wouldn't go either.

A brother's wedding is a big deal. Imo they should be working with you to find a solution.

I know people who did all sorts of stuff during the first few weeks. Tbf when I adopted it was less controlled, but seriously, it isn't going to make a huge difference what you do. We all just do what we can.

I would ask for intros to be delayed if they won't let you go.

I think its right not to take the child to the wedding but I'm not sure how SWs could prevent you from going alone.
To be honest I think its probably more about how your partner feels about being left alone with a new child.
How old are they?
But I would ask myself, would I leave my partner overnight with a newborn? If you are both OK with that, then no problem
Or you could ask for a delay.
I asked for a delay in intros because day 2 was Mother's day which I felt was too emotionally loaded for everyone.

I agree I wouldn’t take your child but there’s no reason you can’t go. My OH was back in work as week after intros.

My husband went to a wedding in Poland six weeks aafterwe had the children placed. And we had 2!

So 1 night? I thought we were talking about a week. I think its fine and don't stress it. Unless you have a set of very picky social workers.

Thing is, social workers put all sorts of rules in place and some of them are good in theory but in practice they make no difference and can be detrimental.

Like not seeing people or going anywhere for the first few weeks - that could actually be too difficult for children (or adults) with an avoidant attachment style who are expected to be closely bonding.

I would do what's right for you (within reason). I got so stressed in the first few weeks from not seeing anyone and I ended up in hospital with a life threatening sepsis (i suspect the two were connected). It meant my husband had to do everything. That, and his trip to Poland a few weeks later made no material difference.

Thanks all. It has made me feel much better . I think maybe I am overthinking things which is easy in this process .

We've only had LO with us a few months but I remember just assuming social workers must be obeyed and wondering how we were going to essentially spend weeks on end as a 3.

In the end we started going to toddler play groups on week 2 as LO was bored (2yo). It saved all 3 of us.

I'd plan to go if I were you, with the caveat that if your wife feels she can't cope when the time comes, that you're willing to forgo the wedding.

As an aside, in our adoption group of 4 couples, all of us did things differently in terms of leaving them with one parent/grandparents/going out/going away as a family/play groups/introducing friends and family. Each child is different and you'll have no idea how they will cope with any given situation so can't judge until they're with you.

I think what you really need to consider is whether you will actually be want to away from your child so early on, everyones different, but I wouldn’t have been away from ours for that long so early in placement, I guess in the same way a mum or dad wouldn’t leave a newborn that early. You won’t know which side your feelings lay pn until your son or daughter are with you.

You also don’t know how your son or daughter will react to you vanishing for a long time (and it is a long time to children), or if your wife will cope for so long solo parenting.

It might be easier to assume you can’t go, ao if you hopefully can thats then a nicer treat. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be able to attend and do everything, give yourself a bit of space too.