Potential match

[Bestfadeplans]

So I have a panel date coming up and I recently attended a foster carer/child's social worker event, where adopets can meet the foster carers of the children waiting for adoption. I didn't know what the event was before I turned up as the invite wasn't very clear, not sure if others have attended the same events?

I'm really torn, I've said I'd like a child aged 0-2 years, as I really want to build that attachment and bond and not miss out on those early months. I dont really want to go for early permanence as I couldn't cope with grieving them if on the very small chance of them returning to birth family.

There was about 20 foster carers with the profiles and photos of their little ones, and I was very drawn to a little boy of 19 months, I spent the most time talking to his social worker and I cannot stop thinking about him. I've looked at his profile over and over again. She told me he's been with foster family since birth but for a couple of reasons adopters haven't been keen, which blew my mind, for the reasons she stated.

I really thought I'd be more drawn to the younger babies and feel really confused. I put my name down for her social worker to discuss with my social worker and I'm sure there will be a better match than me but I just can't stop thinking about him and its really getting my hopes up. Should I try to look at more profiles, as I really did want a young baby to be there for their "firsts" as he's 19 month and will be quite a few months before he could be coming home?

Sorry if this is rambling and doesn't make sense.

@Bestfadeplans
I think matching can be very confusing time, when all those thoughts you had in your head stop becoming fantasy children and you are presented with real live children.

If you feel that strongly drawn to him I would stop looking at profiles until you have spoken to the SW.
I had a very strong pull towards my son, although I always knew I was looking for an 'older ' child, in my head I was thinking 5. He was 7 when I saw him, nearly 8 when he came home. He was everything I thought wouldn't be right for me.
He was absolutely the right child.
19 months is within the range you imagined.
2 is still very much a baby. You will have plenty of 'firsts' to look forward to. First tooth fairy, first day at school, riding a bike. He will still need nurturing, babying.
Try this - close your eyes, imagine you
are taking your child to see Father Christmas, walking to nursery, waving goodbye at the school gate - who do you see? A blur of a child - or do you see him?

Looking into him further doesn't commit you.

Matching is a real mix of head and heart. It’s not unusual to have a set of criteria in mind and then just be captured by another child that doesn’t quite fit. In one way I wouldn’t worry that other adopters haven’t felt drawn to this child - different aspects of different children are more or less important to folk. In saying that, if you do decide to move forward with him go in with your head firmly on straight.

In most cases there’s a range of information to consider in terms of background, time in care, time with birth family etc and most of it won’t be a dealbreaker. Have a good think about what your dealbreakers are (and how realistic you’re being), for example I knew I couldn’t cope with a child with significant mobility issues, but also knew the vast majority of kids in the care system have been exposed to alcohol in the womb so if that was going to be a dealbreaker I’d struggle to be matched at all.

When you’re going through training and assessment you’re talking about children as quite an abstract concept, once you have actual children to consider it all changes. Don’t fall into the “younger child = better attachment” pitfall, because it often doesn’t work that way. 19 months is a lovely age and as @Ted27 says, you’ll have lots of firsts whatever age you adopt.

Ah you sound like how I was! My husband and I were approved for under 4, but I really wanted as young as possible because I was so worried about missing out on ‘firsts’.
We ended up falling in love with our 20 month old boy and bringing him home at 23 months. Best decision ever. He is now 5 and just our absolute world.
If you have that feeling, go for it! Honestly, they are still so so little at that age and we had (and continue to have) so many magical firsts with our boy.
Did we miss the traditional first tooth/first steps/first word - yes.
But I will never forget the first time he called me Mummy, 3 weeks in sat eating our dinner. I still well up thinking about it.
I’ll never forget the first time he properly belly laughed with his Daddy during introductions for the first time.
I’ll never forget the first birthday with us when he opened the door to all his presents and his little face lit up.
His first Christmas with us when he opened the door and said ‘for me?’ and was totally amazed.
The first time we all went on holiday together, 3 months in and in a tent and we all just played in the sunshine, ate ice cream and laughed together.
The first time he got excited to see my parents - his Nanny and Grandad because he loved them and knew they loved him.
The first time he went on the potty all by himself.
The first time he went on his balance bike.
The first time he rode a bike with no stabilisers and was so proud of himself.

Honestly, I could go on and on forever. There are so many firsts in his little life to come!
Good Luck!

@Noimaginationforaun

What a lovely post !

We bought our daughters home at 3 and a quarter and 23 months. If you are looking at a 19 month child he will be about 24 months before you get him home.

I never wanted a baby so I was OK with 23 months.

One placement from birth is pretty good tbh.

Our girls were matched twice with people who then pulled out. It was due to concerns. But all adopted children come with concerns. And sometimes the issues are different to what you expected.

My daughters are grown up now. We have had some journey but I wouldn't change anything

Our daughter came home at 15 months but was more like 10 months developmentally. She didn't even bum shuffle at that point, just sat, didnt really babble either. She was very much a baby. But she progressed and thrived steadily with a lot of nurturing care and taking things very slowly. I think its common for an adopted child to be much younger than their chronological age and to need the care of a much younger child so 19 months could still be very much a baby in terms of care needs.
Your firsts will be different firsts at different times and have huge significance for your wee family.
It was over a year before my daughter said mummy but she called me dadda (a different intonation from dadda for daddy), my first name, then Mamma then mummy. She's 9 now and it's the normal never ending muuuuuuum!

If you feel a connection for this child go with that. I think I said I wanted a boy who was 3 or4. V different to to the completely right child for us that we ended up with. And we're the right parents for her.

Omg I've actually got a little teary reading that. I do agree with you, its very exciting and lots of things to look forward to.

I think its just a part of grieving for that birth child/baby that I'm never going to have. But there were some much younger babies there -6m, 6m and 8m. Which I wasn't drawn to.

@Arran2024 I thought the one placement was good too, and they said in the profile they love him very much.

I noticed there was one other couple who put their names down as interested to learn more. They might be a better match as there's 2 of them. But I'm going to email my social worker tomorrow and tell them how keen I am. Eeeeeeeee.

If you are keen do send that email. I did. I set out why I was the right person for the child (and he had only just been born at that point) and what I could offer. I assume from your posts you are a single adopter, as am I. My social worker stressed some of the benefits of this and so I put these in my e-mail too. Some of them were that this child would get my undivided attention as it would just be the two of us, rules and boundaries are clearer when one person is setting them and the child can’t bounce two parents off each other or get mixed messages from two different parenting styles and I could just do what I wanted in terms of classes/holidays/nursery etc rather than having to discuss and agree everything with another parent. I listed the nearby classes and groups for that age group that I planned to attend as well; I wasn’t anticipating having such a young child so my previous work during prep had been focused on older children! The e-mail was very well received and went a long way; it was passed onto matching panel too and used as evidence for the match. Good luck!

Definitely send that email and reach out! Good luck and let us know how you get on!

Oooh thats really good advice!! I never knew until recently you could be matched before panel. I'm hoping if his social worker thought it was a good match then we might get matching panel quicker after the first panel. I'm getting way too excited when I haven't even been approved as of yet.

A couple aren’t always better - it really depends on the child. There are times I’ve very purposely looked for a single adopter for a child because they really needed to be the primary focus, needed the consistency of one parent and really struggled to bond with two carers in foster care. You’ll have strengths the others don’t have so really build on that to think how you could meet this particular child’s needs as far as you know.

Also remember that there is a child out there for you - if not this one there will be another that is perfect for you. It’s hard not to get excited and yes, sometimes we risk being disappointed but it’s all part of finding the right parents for the right child.

You can sometimes be approved specifically for a specific child - this can speed things up but it does leave to stuck and back to square one if it falls through.

Our SW matched us on Linkmaker with two siblings. I read the profiles and I honestly thought that we were not right for them/not experienced enough for them...but we couldn't stop thinking about them. We met their SW a week before we were approved. After that meeting, the next few months zoomed by, everything happened so fast. Youngest was 2.5 yrs, and honestly, we don't feel like we've missed out on anything. @Noimaginationforaun is spot on and she's written that post so beautifully, you will get many 'firsts'. Six years later and today I was sat at the table having a conversation with my youngest (now 9) and just marvelling at how lovely, articulate and smart she is and how far we've all come. My boy is so empathetic, kind and he's the best big brother. I remember at matching panel, the concern was raised that maybe we didn't have enough parenting experience as they were considered 'hard to place' and there were still many unknowns, they asked how we would deal with potential issues and we just answered 'we were aware of potential problems, but we'd deal with it like any other family would when we have to cross that bridge'. Anyway, our enthusiasm for the kids must have won over our lack of experience, it was a unanimous yes. And I wouldn't change a thing.

When you do get those 'firsts' make a note of them, our kids love us to tell them stories about the early days when they first came to us.

I was matched with a 3 year old. Developmentally he was about 12-18 months when he came home, so got the experience of a much younger child, if that makes sense. We have had lots of different firsts like learning to ride a bike, first day at nursery and then school.
As soon as I saw his profile I just had a feeling that he was my child. He has really thrived with it being just the 2 of us. He needs to have the 1:1 attention from me and would definitely have played a couple off against each other (he’s very bright in his own way). It can be exhausting at times as a solo adopter but soooo worth it. If it feels right then go for it! Good luck!!

Bestfadeplans

I do not post much these days but I adopted over 10 years ago. we looked at profiles of little ones and babies.

When we got the profile of our son, even before we saw his photo, I just felt it was right. He came to us at three, nearly four.

I also worried I was missing out on the early years, although we had been through those with our birth child, who was 9 when we adopted.

Anyway, in the end my feeling was that if I did not adopted our son, I would miss out on all the other years with him.

I think only you can know what is best for you, and for your future family. Whatever you decide to do, all the very best.

Omg thank you for this! I'm close to panel and we are thinking under 3 but should we wait for an actual baby and reading this warms my heart and opens me up to not being as fixated on age.

This is one of the nicest posts I’ve read. It melted my heart.

Just a little update. The little lads social worker came to visit last week and told me loads about little one. My social worker sent me his cpr and all seems "fine". I'm really excited. Does anyone happen to know the next steps?

Thanks

I adopted over 10 years ago but I just wanted to join in the convo as your post really resonated with me. I remember feeling very similar when I was matched with my DD. She was older than the age I’d originally envisioned but I felt that same ‘this is my child’ feeling (and the same anxiety that she’d be matched with someone else). In my experience definitely trust your gut.

In terms of next steps I seem to remember it all happening quite quickly from this point onwards. Once the family finder and child’s SW agree it goes to matching panel and then if the match is approved you move on to the planning and introductions stage. I think it took about 4 months from match to moving in and that was over the summer holiday period when lots stopped because people were away.

Wishing you the very best of luck. Like @Italiangreyhound i don’t post much these days on the adoption board but just wanted to add that when it feels right it is right. In my experience anyway. My DD is now a beautiful - occasionally stroppy - teen and adopting her is the best thing I have ever done. I’m also a single adopter. It has been ridiculously hard at times but I wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s been such a privilege and a joy (amongst many many tears!) to be able to be my daughter’s mum. I knew from the minute I read her profile that she was meant to be my daughter and she says the same, that she feels I was meant to be her mum. She often jokes with me that I’m going to tell her at some point she’s not actually adopted because she says she can’t imagine anyone else being her mum and because we are frighteningly similar in looks, mannerisms and personality! My DD had lots of moves in care which have presented lots of challenges over the years but our family ‘in joke’ is that I’m her favourite mum. Good luck with everything x

Personally, I would go with your gut.

My gut told me to go for a boy aged 3 hen I saw his profile. I do have a birth child so I had had the firsts, but I realised if I did not go for this little lad, I would miss out on all the other stuff with him.

Think seriously about he reasons that others may have not chosen him, can you cope with whatever issues he may have.

Many adopted children will have issues and many younger babies will not necessarily have fewer issues.

Maybe look at other profiles, if your mind goes back to this other child, then maybe explore adopting him.

It's unlikely any child will be trouble free but ti is more about which child you feel is right for you.

Are you adopting alone?

Good luck and do tell us how it works out.

Oh I realize I have posted almost the exact same thing! That was not for emphasis, I had forgotten I had already posted!!

So exciting @Bestfadeplans from here you should meet with various professionals eg the child’s social worker, the LAC paediatrician, foster carers and their social worker. Have a think about anything that might be missing from the child’s report or anything that’s been sort of skimmed over and draw up a list of questions.

Hard as it is, you need to really go with your head here - he may seem perfect on paper (and all may be fine) but this child isn’t known to you and you’re hoping to parent him. Think about how he was removed from his birth parents, his journey through the care system, any health issues etc. It’s ok to ask what about your profile made social work think he’s a good fit, and to think about what it is about him that seems a good fit for you.

It’s a very exciting time, so let yourself feel it, but going in either direction your eyes wide open will pay dividends down the line.

Next steps could be that you meet the boy's social worker once or twice to be able to ask questions, maybe they have a video for you (ask for one), then matching panel, family appreciation day (you meet with previous foster carers, medical advisor, nursery staff, anyone important in his life), planning introductions and introductions, possibly meeting siblings during introductions, home.

Omg everyone thank you so much. I am really excited. I think I'm going to follow up with my social worker this week. I waited so long to hear back about him I thought they thought I wasn't a good match, but now I'm thinking they were just busy.

@Italiangreyhound i loved both your comments and I agree with how you feel, its how I feel about this little lad.

@PoppyStellar thats so sweet. You were meant to be. Very sad she'd had a few moves.

"Just a little update. The little lads social worker came to visit last week and told me loads about little one. My social worker sent me his cpr and all seems "fine". I'm really excited. Does anyone happen to know the next steps?"

Excellent news. It was so long ago I cannot remember the order that things happen but just use this time to:

1. Save money (except for useful stuff that you won't be able to do later
2. De-clutter
3. Do things it'll be hard to do with a kid (spontaneous night away etc - see point 1!!!!).

Good luck. Keep us posted.