Handling your big conflicting feelings

[FinallyMummy]

Apologies in advance as I'm not sure how to phrase my question.

We adopted our LO a few months ago (AO in process but it takes forever).
During all the training and preparation I really thought I had a handle on how I would deal with things but since LO has been here, my feelings are all over the place and they're huge.

Birth parents - I have a lot of sympathy but when we were told neither of them want to talk to us, don't intend to send letters and refused to read the settling in letter, my anger surprised me. There's a little bit of me that is seething at them because LO is lovely.

LO - I thought the love would take longer and kind of build up but it hasn't. It took a few weeks to start then just seemed to grow quickly and now it's all encompassing. I want to tell everyone how amazing LO is, how much I love them, how lucky we feel that they're here (I don't but my god I want to)

Social services - I'm a calm person but I've had to hand things over to DH a few times so I didn't lose my temper over how slow/inept they and the system is at times. It's so frustrating.

My past - my upbringing wasn't awful but also wasn't very steady. Lots of ups and downs financially and in parents relationship and I'd worked through this, but now me and DH work so hard to maintain a calm, steady, predictable house and life (as much as you can with a toddler), I'm finding I have very little patience with my parents.

The responsibility - I feel it weighing on me all the time. The pressure to make sure LO feels safe, attached, maintain my relationship with DH, to try and take a bit of time for me when I can, it's immense. And then there is the worry about LOs speech catching up (delayed), potty training (we're already late I think), encouraging a healthy, varied diet, handling tantrums (are they just because little one is a toddler or because of trauma) and working on their sleep as they wake up a lot through the night.

I'm not drowning, in fact I'm really enjoying my adoption leave so I'm not sure what I mean. Reassurance that all this is normal maybe? I'm not sure what to do with all my feelings, DH is getting bored of hearing them I think (I don't blame him).

Any comments/tips/advice appreciated!

@FinallyMummy

All sounds normal to me, it's great that things are going well but it's still very early days for you and worrying is just part and parcel of being a parent.
About birth parents, remember that they have lost a child, probably have little support and the meetings and letters maybe too much for them.

And whatever happened or didn't happen to them is nothing to do, or in spite of, how lovely they are.
The catching up stuff, remember that some regression is normal after they move in. So I'd say relax a bit about it. I'm not saying ignore any delays or issues that you think are there, but go at the child's pace. Don't worry about what other children the same age are achieving.
My son came to me aged 8, attending special school and massively behind.
I never gave a toss about milestones or SATs or any of that stuff. I focused on him and what he was doing. I got him support, made sure he was in the right school, gave him lots of opportunities. As long as he was progressing thats all that mattered to me. Some years he made huge leaps, other years not so much, but as long as he moving forward that's all that mattered. I taught to only think about what he doing and not to compare himself to other children.
He's now in his second year at university, has a job, a car and is driving.
Do you have a friend you can talk to, or are there any adopter coffee mornings you can get to.
Overall, relax, is very early days, get to know your new child and enjoy your time together.
Deal with the future when it arrives

Hi. Just remember, you don't have to excel at everything! A lot of us aim for perfection when actually just getting through the day will do fine.

Adopting often brings up our own personal stuff. Maybe you could get some personal therapy around this?

Re LO "being behind", my two never caught up as such but they are still lovely people xx

Thank you both. With the way I was rambling I didn't expect any replies!

It's weird, I'm not worried about LO being behind, just very aware that there are things I should be doing to encourage speech/phonics and I feel pressure to be doing them if that makes sense?

I try very hard to be sympathetic to birth parents as logically I know it must be awful for them. It's the totally without logic feelings that have kind of blind sided me. I feel so annoyed and protective and it's totally pointless as I can't change anything.

@Arran2024 just getting through the day seems to be where we are for now. I even feel bad for being relieved when LO goes to bed even though realistically that just means I'm doing house stuff and desperately trying to have a bit of time to relax before going to bed 🙄

I was having counselling previously and I'm honestly fine with my childhood. My parents aren't bad people, they just had rubbish parents themselves and were very very young when they had me. It's just now I see them and feel irritated. So confusing!

@Ted27 I've been following this board since we first considered adopting so a fair few years and I think you were on the first few threads. I love reading the updates about your DS and so glad he's getting on so well at uni.

@FinallyMummy

Over the years I have gone through every emotion possible with regard to birth parents. They are very different people with very different journeys as to how they ended up where they were and are now.
And so has my son. He's been with me 13 years in March and I think we are both at a point were we just accept that it is what it is. They aren't going to change, there's nothing we can do about it. If anything I just feel sad that they have lost out on having a really fabulous young man in their lives.
Just because we are adopters, does not mean we aren't human. I think its OK to feel whatever you feel about the birth family at any given time because you are dealing with the outcome of their actions. As long as you stay neutral with your child. I never criticised my sons birth parents to him, always tried to explain behaviours, made excuses very often.
Now he is an adult we have very different conversations about them. I never initiate those conversations but now if he says something like dad really let me down, I will say yes he did but remember that he was xyz.
About feeling that you should be doing something. Again I think that's natural but
also go back to the point that it's very early days.
You are doing something, actually quite a lot, by giving your child a stable home and environment. Without the foundations they aren't going to grow and develop. And it's you who are building the foundations.
Although my boy is doing really well, I still worry that I'm not doing enough. That's just being a parent, and now he just thinks I'm being a pain in the butt half the time, and I have a little worry that I'm going to turn into one of those overbearing, interfering MILs that everyone on MN moans about 😉

Hiya we’re almost 7 years in and it’s still overwhelming sometimes! But in a very different way! The first year at least was insane with the constant tide of emotions and adjusting and getting to know them, starting to see yourself as a parent really does change your view on lots of things. All sounds v normal!

our social worker on the day of placement said there will be so so much, just try to do the essentials and keep focussed on attachment and everything else will follow.

this still left a lot to think about as there are a lot of essentials but it did give us permission to ignore stuff we could ignore!! I think the attachment comment was helpful as we were able to turn down the volume on the other worries and he was right as the attachment builds you can then see natural progression in other areas.

you can worry about potty training and milestones later just play and chatter and play and chatter on repeat.

if you want to read a book on potty training we used oh crap it’s time to potty train. Worked well for us and fitted well with attachment focussed therapeutic parenting but I wouldn’t even think about actually doing it yet!

take the pressure off and I’m so glad you’re enjoying it and yes the emotions are huge that doesn’t seem to change but you do get more used to them!!

hope sone of that helps!!

That’s a lot of pressure you’re putting on yourself both to do the right thing and feel the right way. Your feelings sound very normal - everything has changed for you and you’re making some huge adjustments.

I’d just hold all your feelings lightly, let them pass - because they will. Feelings about birth parents can be complex, I fully understand how my DCs birth parents ended up where they did and feel for them. I am however a front row witness to the harm they did to my DC which does anger me. It’s holding everything in balance as much as possible. You can have more than one feeling about the same person or situation and those feelings will change constantly - give yourself time.

My parents aren't bad people, they just had rubbish parents themselves and were very very young when they had me. It's just now I see them and feel irritated. So confusing!

I'm normally just a lurker here as I only have a birth child but I find that my feelings about my parents constantly changed as I raised DD - even though both of them had died before she was born.

I wasn't terribly close to them - both loved me and tried hard in their own way - I have some good childhood memories. My mother's mother was a force for stability. But there are definitely things I did, and do, feel resentful about.

After having DD I felt both more understanding of how hard it can be to deal with a child when you're having your own issues, but also times when I thought "how could you actually think it was OK to say that to a child?" I was quite insanely determined to not say any of the things to DD that had been said to me and actually succeeding in that made me think "why couldn't you manage that too?"

When DD was a teenager one of the books I was reading said "your teen will always know what to say to really upset you". And I realised that DD actually had no idea how to hurt me with words because I'd always tried so hard to do and say the right things that she probably doesn't really know me that well. Which is a little bit sad - I hope she would say she was brought up in a loving and stable home and knows we adore her but perhaps there's been some emotional connection missing.

Anyway, I'm afraid that was all a bit rambling and not terribly practical, except to say - these things are all normal.

And how lovely to hear the way you talk about your LO - you make me want to meet them! And no, you'll never stop worrying - DD is twenty and I still fret about her diet.

Thanks again everyone. The comments that this is quite normal is helping as I was scared I was becoming a bit of an overwhelmed emotional wreck!

@Ted27 I'm quite worried about more adult conversations about birth parents as there are so many bad things I want to protect them from.

Quite looking forward to annoying him with my concerns when he's a teen though (I'm watching dsis go through this with my 14yo nephew - he thinks any form of worry is ridiculous).

@Seahorsesplendour a lot of people have recommended that book so I'm picking it up from the library later.

@Jellycatspyjamas you've hit the nail on the head about BPs - I understand how they are where they are but the harm they caused LO is a horrible thing to have to deal with.

@FinallyMummy

Those conversations are a long way off for you.
But you can't protect them from it forever. They are adopted and are entitled to the truth, at the right time.
My best advice to you is to have proper therapeutic life story work done, in their teens.
Its my very strong view that what matters is not just the facts, but the why. Being 8 meant my son was well versed in the facts but had a very difficult time with the why and interpreting his story. The life story work helped him work all that out, to understand why he ended up with me.
It's far better done than they start making up their own narrative or go on social media without your knowledge to find stuff out themselves.
I'm not saying it's not hard, it is. There is only one thing that my son doesn't know, and that's something that's happened to his mum. It really was horrific and with the therapist we decided he didn't need to know at 13. It's on his file and should he decide to request that I will tell him before he sees it, until then I'll leave it.
I don't know if you have come across Lemn Sissay? If not he's well worth looking up. He grew in care and has written a lot about it.
Just before my son came home I went to one of his performances and there was a Q&A at the end. I explained my situation and asked if he had any advice for me. He said tell the truth, just tell him the truth. It's been the best piece of advice I've had in all my years as an adopter.

Concentrate on now, the future will be here soon enough

Go easy on yourself same as you would with any new parent a few weeks in.

You won't look to the outside world like a brand new parent so it's a bit harder without a newborn in a car seat to show that you are a newbie!

Look up the phrase 'matresence', it's the concept of becoming a mum in your head (think of it life adolescence which takes years of adjustment!) and helped me understand all the big feelings you will have. I stopped crying at adverts after a few weeks but still can't manage scary movies anymore...!

And if it's not too flippant, maybe remember that feeling of having a new boy/girl friend in the sixth form and the all-encompassing emotions - thinking about them all the time, dropping their name into every sentence, buying them trinkets. Wanting to hate everyone that ever wronged them. I think it's safe to say you are falling in love!