Where do you stand on your DC being vile to you?

[Rainallnight]

I’ve always tried (tried!) to take a TP approach to my DC’s behaviour when they’re dysregulated.

As they’re getting older (8 and 6) it feels like the behaviour is getting more personal and more directed at me (rather than, say, kicking the wall).

When they don’t get what they want, they’ll shout at me that I’m an idiot, throw things at me, say that they hate me, refuse to do anything I say.

I feel like their emotional punchbag and that I’m worried that this will get worse and worse as they get older.

I feel totally at a loss - if they weren’t adopted, I’d be meting out the sort of punishment for disrespect that the rest Mumsnet goes on about. But they are, and I feel like I don’t know what my options are.

Your list is varied and we have different approaches to different things,I would choose the important things and solid boundaries those. We have family rules on the wall and a no tolerance of things like hurting so I would come down on the throwing things at you,but if you can take the hard words maybe that's different,we have no rudeness so wouldnt have some of it,but we have instead completely cut back on the 'doing anything I say',having found a low demand parenting works brilliantly,we've cut back on any expectations that don't hurt others,eg happy to let her not come to the table to eat,happy for her to make her choices on clothes etc,anything that is not an essential is gone from rules and that works well.so in summary what's worked for us is clear rules on the wall that are definites and hard boundaries for those but then no more demands/expectations.reading about pda and low demand parenting helped so you could try that.

Do you have any support? It is not unusual for adopters to be on the receiving end of behaviour like this. Suggest you speak to post adoption support xx

I have a hard line on rudeness and aggressive behaviour. My DC can shout about a situation but they can’t direct that at me, call me names or throw things. I have very consistent parent led consequences for those behaviours.

I think TP has its place, but kids also need clear boundaries - the world isn’t going to forgive aggressive behaviour because they had a bad start in life or struggle with self regulation and letting them learn through natural consequences is too risky. I’d argue it’s not fair to let them grow up thinking they can behave as they like, and it’s not safe to have kids kicking off.

We do a lot of work on self regulation and a lot of talking about feelings, but they both know that calling me names, hitting, throwing things isn’t ever acceptable.

I think the concept of emotional containment is important - teaching children they can feel the emotion and that feelings pass in time, and helping them not feel
overwhelmed in the meantime. That might mean me as the adult showing I can cope with their feelings and help them express those feelings safely, helping the kids find ways to ride out strong feelings - using movement or sensory inputs etc.

A child who is kicking off is overwhelmed by their feelings and that’s not a good place for them to be, they need to develop coping strategies and more mature psychological processes, that isn’t going to happen if there are no boundaries on their behaviour.

I think that some children do it anyway no matter how hard the parents try. My two have never been violent to me but I know plenty of families where violence is a part of their lives. These parents have tried to set boundaries and often sought all sorts of help and still the problems persist.

One of my friends has three adopted children and only the younger one has been impossibly challenging. They set boundaries fine with the other 2. Some children are more challenging than others.

Absolutely some children are more challenging and really need very specialist help - which frankly is rarely available. Bit I do also think concepts like therapeutic parenting, low demand parenting etc have left parents very unsure about setting boundaries, discipline etc and fearful that they’ll harm their child if they set limits around how they express emotion.

Having a very flexible approach with lots of tools in your parenting toolbox, finding out what works and parenting the child you have in front of you are essential skills for parents but even more so for adoptive parents. It doesn’t help that if you do get professional help the first thing they do is question your parenting. Trends come and go in parenting - with each new theory heralded as the silver bullet. There are no silver bullets though, just parents finding their way through as best they can.

Hope you are ok @Rainallnight

it sounds like your little ones are overwhelmed. Please reach out for support although that’s hard. Your kids need you to be ok and it sounds like you are becoming overwhelmed too. Can you access therapy?

wishing you are little ones the help and support you need.

Aggression and violence are very hard to deal with, but unfortunately very common. Are your children getting therapy? Are you getting support? If you are in England, both can be funded via the ASF.

I am sorry if you have been doing this all along, but have you had training in NVR or Bryan Post's methods? To me, Bryan Post's methods are difficult to implement but makes a lot of sense.

NVR was a game changer for me. I actually did the course twice, once when son was 7 and again at 10 when his violence was returning. Really gave me the space to think about how to focus on the most damaging behaviours, and let the others go. Focus on the relationship being the most important thing. Taking the heat out of conflicts. My son is nearly 13 and his violence has ceased. I still get the verbal abuse at times but the heat has really gone out of it for both of us. I know how to give him space and also how to give myself space to calm before returning.