First time mums bringing home a 4 & 5 year old - what will we need?

[twomumsadopt]

Hey all, my wife and I are going to be first-time mums to two little girls, aged 4 and 5. We know that we will likely get lots of their things from their foster carers, as they have been in their care for 18 months.

Regardless, can this lovely community let us know any necessities, must-haves and don't bothers?

We're making a wishlist for our family and friends to buy as everything gets closer and closer to them coming home with us. We will be finding out what the foster carers will provide in the next 2-3 weeks.

Thanks!

ooo congratulations!! I recommend a trampoline and 2 swings (indoor or outdoor). I imagine they will have most clothes & loved toys etc. I would try to replicate the beds they have at foster carers, and any pictures etc from their bedroom there, try to keep as much the same as you can. So much excitement to come!

Lots of chocolate and caffeine!

Congratulations! Maybe ask for contributions to a whirli subscription from friends as a homecoming gift, so you can rotate in and out toys, yet not get overwhelmed? Plus it allows you to see what works?

Consumables, like art stuff.

And congratulations on your new babies!

Sleep and rest now while you can. And sleep. Really. Savour having a shit alone. And take a nap. And buy chocolate.

How exciting congratulations. I second some of the above, most kids come with a lot from FC. Our little girl who was 3 came with so many clothes we didn’t have to buy any for a while. I did buy a couple of outfits though as I just couldn’t help myself. Check with the FC what they will send with them so you can really evaluate what you need and don’t need. Might be worth looking at things like melamine plates and cups and smaller cutlery. Get in the foods and drinks that they like and if they can send them with their bedding covers that will also be good but get a spare set and also see if they want to choose a new set for their room at some point too. Our daughter had a really strong bond with her FC so we also make sure we had pictures up around the house of her with us during intros and also the FC’s so she could see some familiar faces. Check in on things like the toothpaste they use, these are all small things but will make a big difference in them feeling things are similar to where they have been once they move in with you.

You may also want to consider some
toys for each of them that they can have in their rooms that are just for them, so not everything that is new has to be shared.

Absolutely enjoy your last lie ins as these will be a thing of the past! But for all the best reasons

My daughters didn't bring much stuff, just clothes and a few teddies. I would ask the foster carer what they will bring and how they are with change. My daughters enjoyed having new things from early on. So it really depends.

I would get skipping ropes, hula hoop, bubbles, books and non-competitive games, children's plates and cutlery, small backpacks, pretend play set, fleece blankets (perfect for car sickness...), car seats, scooter, bath toys, some clothes.

Exciting times! Congratulations. We brought home 4, 5 and 6 year old girls six and a half years ago. I second a trampoline, as big as you can afford that fit in your garden. Outside and bouncing was so regulating for them. Us joining in produced loads of giggles and it helped us bond.

Puddle suits and wellies were really helpful, our 3 needed to be outside lots, regardless of the weather.

Outside toys too, especially footballs, one each as ours weren't brilliant at sharing or waiting their turn.

We needed to get car seats in a hurry as we presumed they belonged to the girls but their foster carers kept them. Might be worth finding that out.

Ours absolutely loved going through photo albums. We printed them out right from the start. Talking about who was in each photo and what we were doing really helped us feel like a family. The photos were great for us too after a tricky day they were good to look back on and see the smiles and cuteness.

Their transition cuddly toys are still on all of their beds and the 13 year old recently snuck it in her bag for a school residential.

Endless craft supplies for the days we just couldn't get outside.

Lots of the toys ours came with were actually broken but they were replaced gradually. Similar with clothes, foster carers tastes were not at all like ours and they weren't practical for our lifestyle either but we phased them out slowly over time. Getting paint or mud on those clothes was not a disaster!

A biggish crossover bag or backpack for first aid kit, water bottles and stuff. Having both hands free was essential.

Good luck.

Oh how lovely. My two were 4 and 6 when they arrived. They had a tonne of stuff from foster carers, but few things that they had a sense of ownership of (it became clear the foster carers scooped up a load of communal toys rather than things that particularly belonged to my two). It’s so helpful if the carers will tell you what they’re sending, mine wouldn’t and were very vague when asked.

I’d echo as big a trampoline as you can manage, we also bought a mud kitchen and outdoor toys. Really simple games - age down as much as possible because there’s nothing worse than them struggling to play or understand rules.

When you know what size they are do buy a few bits of clothes, I put them in amongst the clothes the carers sent and let them choose whether they wore them. My 6 year old was in age 3 clothes so do wait rather than buying for age.

We also had lots of bath toys, bath time is a real bonding opportunity so toys and things helps with interaction. Lots of simple arts stuff, look online for ideas of projects you can do together. Be prepared to spend half an hour setting something up for it to occupy them for 10 minutes.

A word of caution - your lives are going to change in the most wonderful way. It won’t however always feel wonderful - it can be very hard work with older kids. They’re terrified, you’re terrified and everything feels different for everyone. Plan now for how you and your partner will give each other space, especially the one that is home all day. There were days I literally tapped myself out when my husband walked through the door. Stock the freezer with easy meals you can chuck in the oven, if folk want to help ask them to cook and drop food off for you, or to take laundry away. It can be very difficult to do routine housework with scared little people who need you physically with them all the time so practical help is good.

Have a rough plan for every day so you and the kids can predict what’s coming next. Now, next and then boards and wall planners can help with that. Visuals for things like bed time and morning routines are good too so you’re walking, talking and showing which will help them feel more secure.

Congratulations - remember folk here have seen most things between us so do ask if there’s something you’re not sure of or struggling with.

Oh get some cosy, easy clean blankets - soft fleece type things. Good for snuggling on the sofa watching tv (do use tv for down time for you all), for cuddling up when they feel poorly or just needing comfort. 7 years later my two still love to cuddle up with a blankie.

Yep seconding a schedule for plan- good for kids routine and for you to know when you get down time - things like 'garden play', 'park', home activity, TV/kindle time etc.
And yes a bag you always have - for change of clothes, snacks, drinks, calpol etc that you just always have on you.
And transition toy I forgot that, we did a build the bear that you can record your voice singing on so did that.
And yes stocking up with easy food, really easy food, you will now have 2 little ones underfoot and hungry at all times!
I found loop ear things helped with the noise!

On the “always hungry” front, now isn’t the time to be focussed on healthy snacks etc. Buy things they will eat even if it’s not stuff you’d usually want for kids - now isn’t time for organic carrots and artisan houmous. Try to find out what’s familiar to them, use the same brands and introduce new foods slowly - one thing at a time served with things you know they will eat while you eat with them.

Have family meals, as in eat at the same time as the children - they may not cope with a table etc but eat where they eat.

The only things they really have control over is what they eat and how they toilet, so make both processes as easy and fuss free as possible.

Congratulations!

We have just invested in a big bean bag, and it is 100% an excellent choice. The IKEA foldaway mats are also great, they get used plenty.

Trunkis have stood the test of time for a toy and for special sleepovers or travelling.

Ours have tablets because we do loads of long car journeys. Kindle fire kids version is perfect for them.

We got nooie baby monitors and we still use them to check how bad the shenanigans are on a Sunday morning so we don't have to get out of bed unless it is absolutely necessary!

Weighted blankets and night lights, sleep stuff might be helpfulic they struggle with that stuff.

Balance bikes or bikes/scooters if they don't have them can help burn off energy- ours love them and use them all the time.

A bit random but we invested in some family 365 tupperware from IKEA, it was a bit expensive but definitely worth it be ause it's all modular. Decent water bottles that they like to drink from and won't get cracked if they are dropped (ours haven't managed to break the contigo water bottles yet)

Nice lunch boxes for school maybe? I have a pet peeve with the soft lunch boxes be ause I get grossed out with how dirty they get so you can get hard shell ones too.

We got hooded bath towels, they have been great to snuggle them up and give them a big cuddle and deep pressure before bed.

A decent set of outdoor clothes- waterproof trousers and puddle suits again have served us very well, mittens sewn onto elastic like we did in the 90s again have been great.

Playdoh is always a hit- we make our own in the slow cooker because it is cheaper and I don't get as annoyed when they mush it together, but all the little squishy machines are good if they are cross and want to mash some anger out on some unsuspecting playdoh. Plus it's great for parallel play, you can just sit down and make something and they can join in or not as they want.

Beach stuff like buckets, nets and spades, a little tent, beach shoes, stuff like that.

I also got some puzzle books for me so that I wasn't on my phone at the park all the time.

If they are fussy eaters plates with dividers might be useful.

Stuff I wouldn't bother with is anything with loads of tiny bits that isn't interchangeable. So Lego, fine, hotwheels, great, Barbie, marvellous. A random car garage or dolls house that is assembled using only specific pieces of plastic tubes before being packed away again and losing the one precise bit that holds it all together, not so fine.

Controversial for an English teacher, but not too many books. We ended up buying books that dealt with the specific issues they were having and whatever interests they had as we went along. Our bookshelves were full quite quickly!

Ours also don't really vibe too well with arts and crafts. They will occasionally go for a colouring book, and stickers on the odd occasion, but they aren't really ones for drawing and painting.

We also ended up with loads and loads of teddies. Intro teddies, teddies from BPs, teddies from the court adoption day, teddies from nursery, we are drowning in them and they don't really play with them or attach much meaning to them.

Last one is jigsaws. We lost loads of bits and I just got stressed about keeping them together.

Ooh I love the subscription idea, thank you!

Thank you, great advice re: clothes sizes. We have met them, but I couldn't tell you if their clothes would have matched their ages.

Absolutely, we're very prepared for the difficulties. We're excited of course, but definitely understand that there will be a lot of big feelings. We're lucky that we both work from home and my wife works for an international company, so her hours are flexible and meetings minimal, so we'll be able to tap in and out when needed.

Adoption story books. For a while my daughers wanted to read nothing else. "Flora's Family: Understanding Adoption" and "Adoption: My Parents Picked me/ My New Family: A first look at Adoption" (different title, same book) were favourites. Very helpful to explain adoption to them and normalise it. Another good one is "The Big Book of Families". We bought tons of books with adoption themes over the years.

I had 4 dolls custom made that looked like our family. They were helpful in reinforcing the idea that we were a family. If you google "custom family" on Etsy lots of things will come up.

we adopted a five year old too but he came home 4 weeks before lock down hit so we had a lot of time to fill at home and ended up buying lots of simple things to do at home together/in the garden such as outdoor chalks, water balloons and did lots of baking etc to bond. You might find that they’re not great at playing alone so I would advise concentrating on activities you can do together or imaginative play like a toy kitchen to play restaurants etc.

somebody bought us The Invisible String book which we read regularly for years and we still reference occasionally, it’s a really lovely book. The foster carers made him a lovely scrap book of their time together and we started our own too which he loved looking at together and at times when he was feeling sad and creates a nice history for them to look through and helped with transition.

Another good one is "The Big Book of Families".

The Big Book of Feelings is also good - my 6 year old had no language for feelings at all, the book helped amongst other things.

Many congratulations. May you have a lifetime of happiness together with your family. Maybe ask some people to wait so that you can see how they settle and what they like. And maybe have them choose somethings from some people gradually. When we adopted our kids we kept the house very very quiet. No visitors for quite a while as the kids had gone through so much change. I’m so glad we did it and friends and family were very supportive and understanding of this.