Can Strong attachments in school be a bad thing?

[grizabellacat]

My friend has adopted a little girl and they are having some trouble at the moment. She is 9 and has started saying things like “you’re not my real mum” and “I wish Miss C (TA) was my mum, not you”. Obviously really hurtful for my friend to hear. It’s clear she’s at an age where she’s processing the fact that she is adopted, and it is hurting.

Anyway the little girl is really attached to the TA in school, and since saying this my friend has asked that her daughter not work with the TA any more. She thinks the attachment is too close because her daughter has said several times that wishes she was her mum and that she misses her in the holidays. She also keeps little keepsakes that the TA has given her (like a flowery pencil and a postcard praising her for something) and my friend says it’s a risk to the parent-child attachment that she is so close to this staff member in school.

I obviously haven’t questioned my friend about this, but I am surprised at her reaction to this. I am also a teacher and we’re always told that a child being attached is a good thing, especially for adopted or fostered children. The ‘I wish you weren’t my mum’ thing is surely something most children say but don’t really mean? It’s making me question my own relationship with some of the children I have taught and if I was too close to them?

I don’t really know much about adoption so that’s why I’ve come here to ask- is it true that adopted children can get ‘too’ attached to adults in school?

When we adopted, my girls went to a morning nursery 3 mornings a week. This was because social services wanted the elder one to socialise, but she wasn't able to settle without her sister, and so they both went together. And my younger one got totally attached to her teacher.

There were various things going on here. Teacher's husband had recently died and teacher was vulnerable and sad. My daughter hugely missed her foster carer and was sad. They both found each other and got too close.

My daughter did have therapy to help her bond with me, which was pretty successful. But she was always prone to getting too close to other older women - it took me a while to realise it but she chose friends on the basis of liking their mothers. And unhappy mothers used to zone in on her too. A neighbour used to drive me mad as she was so "mothering" towards her.

So anyway, I think your friend's daughter and this teacher are providing each other with something missing in their lives. It is hard to get the teacher to back off as such, but I would hope the little girl and her mum can get some therapy.

Indiscriminate attachment seeking can be a sign of attachment disorder, yes, and in that case, the child should be redirected to get their needs met from their primary attachment figure.

Children will make close bonds with other adults, this little one has had a number of disrupted attachments so may well resist her adoptive mum because, in her mind, “mums” come and go - because that’s been her experience.

I wouldn’t worry too much about the child’s attachment to the TA as long as the TA has clear boundaries - doesn’t take on a care giving role, doesn’t make promises she can’t keep, is clear about her limits, doesn’t baby her or favour her.

Having a close bond with the TA won’t stop the child bonding with adoptive mum - mum needs to actively work to foster attachment which at 9 is going to be a lot of careful work. What’s mums relationship with the child like? My fear if she pulls the TA away is that the child ends up with a message that everyone she loves leaves her, which won’t help attachment.

I agree with all the above comments - but will add that it IS a problem if the TA is giving little 'gifts' to the child that aren't being given to other children or aren't part of the school behaviour system or if the TA is in any way encouraging a 'special' relationship between just the two of them.

Probably entirely above board and naively thinking it is helpful - but it can unwittingly replay abusive relationships from the past (grooming).

Even if not replaying past abuse, that kind of favouritism can massively backfire with a child who has any attachment issues or struggles to understand boundaries in relationships.

One of my children is an absolute marvel at being given free 'stuff'. People see it as harmless but it has reinforced unhelpful patterns of believing they need to be charming/keep people onside so they don't get hurt. It has reinforced a belief that exterior charm/beauty is important and has complicated the process of learning to be himself (rather than what he perceives others want him to be).

The occasional relative stranger doing this is fairly manageable. Someone who has a daily interaction and relationship with the child is far more complicated.

We had similar issues and my child used it to 'split' the TA and myself to the point where the TA spoke to our social worker because she thought I was constantly being unfair and unkind to my child. Thankfully, the social worker put her right and slowly the TA began to understand and see what was happening.

Unfortunately, this happened time and time again as my child moved through school and it caused a lot of damage to what was already a delicate bond between my child and me (not the otherway round, I had a good bond!) Many a time I gave back pencils, photos, erasers etc after discovering no-one else had been given them, explaining that by giving him a gift, he then felt he owed them something - and that what he thought he owed was not something they would want or was even legal.

Obviously, not all children are going to have similar backgrounds - but I do think if there's any hint of favouritism or special relationship then this can cause issues at home.

Absolutely @LeoLeo2 the child having an attachment towards the TA is one thing, the TA treating them as special or singling them out is quite another because it recreates abuse dynamics. My DD was either loved or hated by school staff and in some ways the dislike was easier to deal with. Explaining to a very well meaning staff member that they were inadvertently reinforcing trauma dynamics by caring for her was a super tricky conversation.

Thank you all. This is a new perspective for me so is really valuable. It’s encouraged in the school where I work for children with attachment problems to develop ‘special’ relationships with key adults, and seems like it has been the case in my friend’s daughter’s school too. I think this TA was doing 1:1 work with her several times a week specially to develop the relationship and build her self esteem by making her feel special. I think maybe schools generally need more advice when it comes to adopted children.

@grizabellacat If there are clear boundaries and the child is well attached to their parents, this can be a good thing. My daughter often had a special adult at school, which helped her feel safe.