In a quandary

[Nel81]

Hi, this is a really difficult situation for my family and am wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation or would know who to turn to. AS6, but cognitively 3, came home two and a half years ago. His aggression and strength has grown massively in that time. I am a single parent but my mother, 79, lives with us. Now this is where it is complicated for us. My son has taken against her and her being in, or even walking through, the same room as us can trigger him. I can deal with his actions towards me atm but she has arthritis and mobility issues so can't move quickly enough to get out of his way so gets hit and pushed a lot. She wants to move out but adult ss seem to want to just keep her living here with carers coming in. She doesn't need that, she needs somewhere to live where she is safe. We have post adoption support involved already but don't know what to do to get her the actual help she needs. Sorry for the long post but it's a really stressful time for us all

It is cheaper for them to have her live with you with carers coming in once in a while. I would log any incidences. It sounds irresponsible of ss, because if your mother falls this could have grave consequences. Post-adoption support focuses on your child and you. Have you got adult social care involved? Their focus would be your mum. You need to argue that her rights are being breached and they need to safeguard her. I am not a lawyer though.

This is what Chatgpt says:

Rights and Protections Potentially Violated
1. Right to Live Free from Violence and Abuse

• Article 3 of the European Convention on Human Rights (ECHR): Prohibition of Torture
• Protects individuals from inhuman or degrading treatment. Physical abuse or violent behavior against the elderly violates this right.
• This is enshrined in UK law through the Human Rights Act 1998.

2. Right to Personal Security

• Article 2 of the ECHR: Right to Life
• If the violence poses a threat to her life, this right may be at risk.
• Protection under the Care Act 2014 requires local authorities to safeguard adults who may be at risk of harm.

3. Protection from Domestic Abuse

• The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 defines domestic abuse as behavior that is abusive, including physical violence, and applies to family members, regardless of the victim’s age.
• It ensures protection and support for survivors.

4. Elderly Protection and Safeguarding

• Care Act 2014: Safeguarding Duty
• Local authorities have a duty to protect adults at risk of abuse or neglect. The elderly woman qualifies as a vulnerable adult under this law.
• Abuse includes physical harm, psychological abuse, and neglect.

5. Health and Well-being

• Article 8 of the ECHR: Right to Private and Family Life
• Includes the right to live with dignity and in safe conditions. Living in an abusive situation breaches this right.

6. Equality and Non-Discrimination

• The Equality Act 2010 protects against discrimination and ensures that vulnerable groups, including the elderly, are treated with dignity and respect.

What Can Be Done?

1. Seek Safeguarding Help: Contact the local council’s Adult Safeguarding Team. They have a duty to intervene and protect vulnerable adults.
2. Emergency Accommodation: If she is unsafe, she can access refuge spaces or emergency housing through local services.

I would ask for an adult social care assessment for her and make adult social care aware of the breaches of these rights.

Thank you so much for this. We'll be back on to them tomorrow.

When you say she needs somewhere safe to live, is she able to live independently or will she need sheltered housing or a care home? Adult services will push back on those because of cost, and because she has somewhere to live just now albeit there’s a falls risk.

While the post above is right about responsibilities of adult care, their threshold for providing care is very high, because they just don’t have the money. What options have you looked at for her moving out? If she is able to live independently it’s worth linking in with housing who may have options for older adults coupled with a care package if she needs one. It’s very difficult dealing with competing needs.

Thanks. She's fairly independent although she can't walk far without support and the arthritis in her hands makes it hard for her to manage. On Thursday she was given an alarm for if she falls but that doesn't stop her being hit and bitten does it? We've been told that there are no care home spaces available and to apply for social housing. This isn't available through the LA, it's a housing association who have not responded to our registration 3 months ago.

That is truly shocking and you must somehow stop your child from doing this. Traumatised, special needs or not, he can’t be allowed to terrorise a 79 year old woman. If he’s doing this at age 6, he’ll grow up to kill someone. He could easily kill your mum now if he knocks her over or throws something hard at her.

What does his social worker say? Surely they realise that urgent intervention is needed? What are they doing to help you manage his violence and protect your mum?

The local authority will only fund a care home for people who really, really can’t live alone - I’ve seen people bed bound with a 4 visit a day package. If the main risk is presented by your child they’ll expect you, as his parent, to manage that risk. There isn’t the money to publicly fund care homes unless there’s a significant health or care need and someone able to mobilize, prepare meals and care for themselves won’t meet the threshold.

If you’re self funding you can visit and apply to independent care homes, but it’s very expensive to self fund. It might be worth seeing adoption social work will help you with housing/housing association to rehome your mum, they may be able to advocate for her.

In all honesty you need help managing your son’s reactions because in the long run he’s only going to get stronger and you won’t be able to deal with his aggression.

PAS/Children's Services wont be interested in child to parent violence- their remit is only that the child is not being harmed.

70% of adoptive families are experiencing child to parent violence and are screaming for help - and getting nowhere.

This is in no way a dig at you, but a genuine comment: before anyone adopts they should fully research the issues that adopted children can have. Following my research there was no chance on earth that I would ever have adopted with having a lodger or shared home ownership with my parents.

Either you and your child will need to move or your mum will. That's the only option as dealing with child to parent violence takes YEARS to be sorted.

I'm a young ish fit mum and I have a lot of difficulties evading the hits, kicks, things being thrown.

I'm sorry if my above message was blunt.

I just know exactly how parents/other family members receiving child to parent violence get absolutely zero support. Only get reams of (often parent blaming) parenting courses that do nothing to help the child.

And I know only too well that PAS/Children's Services don't care at all if the child injures the parent/other family members. I have spent years banging on doors with no luck.

I am having to deal with the child to parent violence myself to avoid Disruption... given up my job, home educate and am spending 24/7 ensuring my child remains as regulated as possible...

That's why I said the only option is for either you or your child to move out or your mum.

Thank you everyone, I appreciate all of the replies. Through post adoption we've had BUSS therapy and I've been on several therapeutic parenting courses, he's had an assessment with their psychologist which showed his cognitive age/learning difficulties and I've asked for therapy for him. School are applying for a LA maintained IDP and a move to a specialist unit, we're waiting on SALT. He is a loving boy who gets dysregulated often.

It depends where you live but in my area there is a good supply of sheltered housing. Here you would need to apply on the council's housing register to access most housing schemes. Anchor housing however accepts direct applications.