Whats wrong with my brain!

[henmama]

Sorry ladies this is going to be a long one.
DH and I started trying in 2020 had 3 miscarriages and 1 ectopic. From the ectopic I really had no desire to continue trying, I found it a very traumatic experience and had no desire for a biological child, I hated the idea of medicals poking and prodding me and another risk of an ectopic.
In 2022 we decided to go down the adoption route and completed stage 1, however we put the process on pause due to me hating the small village we had moved to in 2020. I was very unhappy being to isolated so we decided to move back to town. Its true what they say buying/selling a new house is one of the most stressful life events!
We are now in a town, where we are both happier, closer to friends, amenities and transport. In the last month I brought up to DH about getting back on the adoption wagon, however so much has happened in the past year that he's not sure anymore.
Side note, when I was really unhappy in the village, the desire to have a child had gone, and I thought that was my body telling me that I shouldn't have kids. So we did talk and explore the idea of being child free.
Being in a place where I feel settled those feelings have returned and I think DH is a little taken aback by my change of mind. I'm a little shocked that my body is having these feelings again, I feel that I really want to have a family, I'm a very nurturing person, I have so much love to give and a really deep need to care for another being. As much as I love my cats, they really don't appreciate so much attention being poured on them.
I suppose I'm worried what if this feeling goes away like it did? It's such a life changing decision I feel guilty putting that on DH, especially as he is a quite a bit older ( I'm 36 DH 50). My brain just keeps on flip flopping with all the different things that could go wrong and then knowing we really cant leave the decision any longer as DH age could be a problem with the adoption.
Thanks for reading, I know there's no right answer as its such a personal decision. But some words of support would be great.

I just wanted to say that I've been through a similar situation. I'd always been keen on adopting, but DH and I decided to try for a biological child instead. I went through years of infertility and a late miscarriage. I'd still like to have children (biologically or through adoption) but if it didn't happen, I think I could live with it. The loss of my son made me realise how much is out of our control. Also, I'd rather appreciate what I do have than have my whole life be consumed by this one thing.

I agree that there isn't a "right decision" in these circumstances. Whatever path you take- whether it's adoption, being childfree etc- will bring both joy and hardships. You just have to make the best of whatever happens. I hope you find peace with whatever path you take.

I can really understand your wish to nurture and it sounds as though you would make a good Mum, if that's what you both choose to do.

I can understand your DH's reservations though. The thought of having a DC at 50, well realistically he's likely to be older by the time a child is placed is not something to consider lightly. Say he's 52 when you're luckily enough to adopt and you get a one year old.

He will be 70 by the time the child is 18. I do actually know someone who has been a Father to Twins at 54 and it's difficult. The DTs are 17 now and he's still working fulltime and helping to run the house and all the usual things like teaching them to drive whilst most of his peers are retired. He looks beyond exhausted.

Thanks @TinyMouseTheatre His age is definitely something that we have to take into account. He talked about having a slightly older child 6/7yrs old.
I want him to have a life that he feels happy with and not put on him. I know he would be a great a dad, but its his choice as much as mine.

@henmama

It's absolutely normal to have doubts about reservations
I think there are two key ' baskets' of things to think about.
Firstly, you talk about nurturing. What does that really mean to you - does it mean a baby, do you want to push a premium, change nappies, do teething. It's fine if you do. I just wanted to be a mum but in truth I don't much like babies and I wasn't that fussed about 'missing out' on the baby stuff.
Secondly the age thing, I don't think your husbands age will be a problem but it's also a valid concern about feeling too old.
So that links in with the first point, would you be happy adopting an older child.
I adopted an 8 year old when I was 47. He is at uni, I'll be 60 next year so I don't have the pressure of carrying on working into my 60s as he is pretty much financially independent.
I don't have any regrets about adopting an older child. There was, and still, is plenty of nurturing to be done, plenty of firsts. Sometimes I feel a bit sad that I only had a few years when he believed in Father Christmas and the tooth Fairy, and whilst I don't think any parent is ready for their child to leave home, I did find it very hard when he went to university last year, other parents had their children for 18 years, I only had mine for 12. But those feelings are fleeting, I'm so proud of him, and we were absolutely right for each other.
Finally, whilst there is always going to be uncertainty when you adopt, more is known about older children and you may be able to make more informed decisions.
Lots to think about