Help and advice for new adopter please

[EvBGJ]

Please see the attached which I posted earlier before I knew there was an adoption thread. Any help or advice gratefully received.

Three weeks is still very early! Some reassurance - our LO was very similar (and we were definitely helicopter-ing due to being new parents) but now enjoys playing independently as well as playing with us.

Thank you for your kind words and reassurance.

@EvBGJ

Oh bless you, the early days are so hard.
And it is very early days. I don't think I'd unpacked all his stuff after 3 weeks.
Remember she is a baby and a scared baby at that.
Is there any capacity for your wife to take an afternoon off a week, I hope they are at least taking the pressure off at weekends, Presumably they have some time off over Christmas and new year?
Remember that this is a huge upheaval and adjustment for all of you, it does get better. In time you will find your new normal.
Give it a bit more time and if you are stll struggling in a month or so, discuss the nursery issue again, even if it's only one day a week. Get your SW on side - they should be supporting you.
You will be doing much better than you think you are.
And congratulations on your new addition

Thank you. As soon as my wife comes home from work she deals with teatime and bath and bed - she is wonderful. She is going to try to work two days from home for the next few weeks just so I can have an hour a day. Our little girl is amazing and I know this isn't her fault - I'm guessing she is scared and wants my attention all of the time for his reason. I really am trying my very best and will always do so. I do however think we will speak to our social worker about nursery as she was going three mornings a week when at the foster carer and is clearly missing that interaction.

Congratulations on your little one! Your feelings are completely normal, its relentless and exhausting and you need support. I recommend a really good routine/schedule - every day the same style to give you the structure and that makes it easier as you know when a break is coming. Eg - Am: outside activity - play group/forest school/swim whatever, Lunch always at same time, PM- afternoon activity/park etc, then have relaxing time - sit with some bluey episodes together for example. Once she's run her energy off during the day she should be more able to sit with you and give you a chance to have a cup of tea?

Do the sitting together though, the jobs will wait. if she struggles to sit with you a slow snack like raisons/popcorn lying on the sofa with you? Cebebbies is definitely your friend and if you do the same thing every day things will improve for that? I think that will come as she settles. Some shows are awesome like Bluey.

I recommend joining Adoption UKs zoom meet ups for early days adopters - just getting to chat to people who get it is really helpful. And using your support network/friends who can see you in real life too, if theres an activity you can do with another mum you like its really helpful.

If the loudness is an issue I recommend Loop earplugs they are lovely.

Play music at home a lot as helps with the mood of the day I think.

And if you can tag team at weekends so that you can get a proper morning/day off whilst your wife gets some bonding time and does the activity its really helpful. Got to keep your cup filled up as best you can over the next few weeks.

My DD thrived in nursery - she needed that level of entertainment and activity and structure and we did do it earlier than expected but think its was 6 months but see how you go. You can do it! (I wore a bracelet from etsy saying 'you've got this' for my early days I remember! Its really tough but does improve!)

Also try to remember that Christmas is a massively unsettling time for many adopted children - so to be newly placed right now must be extra hard on you all.

If you can, invest in a puddle-suit and some wellies and go out for walks multiple times per day. Groups and activities when you are both learning to get to know each other will probably cause more stress and an even greater need for your attention (to reassure herself you are staying/will take care of her).

If you can bear it, lots of finger painting or play dough or even some simple baking. Anything where you can be alongside her doing the same thing or gently guiding her may help to reassure her you are 'present' and relieve her panic enough to allow you to breathe.

The first month or so can be relentless. Make sure to put your feet up and do nothing the second she is in bed!

All great advise from the people above. We adopted our daughter who was 3 at the time 10 months ago. This is very normal and she is wanting your reassurance and to know you are not going anywhere. Our little one wanted to go everywhere with me when my DH went back to work after she moved in. Including to the toilet, when I showered etc. I just rolled with it and over time she started playing with things independently whilst I was able to make a cup of tea or hang some washing but this was definitely 1-2 months in. Give her time and give yourselves time. I agree with all the above people though, get out every day even if it’s just for a walk or drive or trip to the supermarket. Morrisons is especially good as you can get the mini trolleys to push around, our little one loved that. Here to DM if you want to chat more! You’ve got this!!

Some more things I thought about - have you got a sling? great for attachment and the long nature walks.
And do things that you might enjoy too - aquarium/ swimming/ horse riding/ going for coffee in child friendly cafe/ buggy running - do things you like as this helps with your own mindset and keeps your excerise up etc. Online yoga (cosmic yoga is great) for indoor time. And get a trampoline.
Play musical bumps, great for getting a cup of tea 'break'. Do stickers or hand drawing, things that have a focus but also bring you close together.
Get into Frozen its brilliant.
And narrate everything you do, all day every day talking what your doing so all the time she knows your not leaving - 'Im just going to put this pile here, then we will go get the next one together, then we will go together to your room and put them in the drawers..... and next we are going to the kitchen to make a cup of tea, and a biscuit' type thing, everything, so you slowly become more predictable and she knows what's coming next. Now and Next everything. And never be tempted to pop to the kitchen/bathroom without saying so!

You’ve got a long day just the two of you, and it can be very hard to go from doing your own thing to having a little shadow. I know in those early days I’d practically throw the kids at their dad as soon as he walked in the door!

You’ve only been a mum for 3 weeks, if you had given birth you’d still be pottering around the house glued to your little one. The difference is your little one is a walking, talking bundle of energy and your both making some huge adjustments, so be realistic about everything that you’re dealing with. I remember people kept asking me if I was enjoying adoption leave, and while I slapped on a smile and made the right noises, the reality was I felt like I was drowning. I remember someone on here saying it’ll take a few months to feel “normal”, and it did. Bit by bit I gained confidence and got to know these little people, and it got easier.

Some good suggestions above about routine, even if you create a routine in your head for the next while it will help you chunk the day into blocks. Also don’t be surprised if you find yourself spending 20 minutes setting up a fabulous finger painting activity that you find takes longer to set up and put away than you spend actually doing the thing. At that age nothing engages them for long.

In terms of nursery, the plan was that my two would stay home for 4 months and start school at a natural break in the school year. As it was they started after 8 weeks. They were used to the nursery/school routine and needed some structure to their day and frankly I needed some time without them to decompress a bit. That’s just to say don’t be afraid to negotiate on nursery if need be - it doesn’t mean anything other than you’re human and with the right nursery and the right transition it won’t hurt anything if your dc needs the structure and routine.

Good luck, do keep posting if you need support - the wisdom from the folk here has been life saving at times, whatever’s going on I can promise you one of us will have dealt with it before.

Thank you so much for your words. Honestly it is so helpful to know that this is quite normal.

Today has been so much better so far. We've been to storytime in the library, lunch and a walk at the garden centre and have bought some paints and did painting. I think the key is to maybe keep busy!

@EvBGJ

That's good to hear
I'd second advice to 'chunck ' your day.
Much easier to think about 1 day at a time, not the whole week, and the next hour or two rather than the whole day.

Congratulations! You’ve got this.

nobody tells people this but having a toddler at home is boring! Especially at 3. They want to get in and try things on their own but still need you close. Don’t be afraid to do things alongside your little one. She is drawing, try a word search. She is playing with her dolls, grab the laundry basket and get folding. obviously, do things with her but don’t be afraid to do things alongside her (lots of play in nursery is alongside). Get her helping with things eg sorting recycling, sweeping the floor, weeding in the garden. Kids love modelling at that age.

with regards to activities, I would set 3 up in a specific room eg on the kitchen table and leave them there and go back and forth all day. Expecting a little one to concentrate for 10 minutes on anything at that age is impossible. For example, set up play dough, pens and a jigsaw at the kitchen table.
stick the kettle on and sit and draw together whilst in boils. If she has lost interest, direct her to the playdough. I think I’d like to make a pancake with the red playdough, can you find it whilst I make my tea? Then sit down together. If you put everything away, you’d spend your day tidying. Plus little ones often go back and forth to the same activity and explore it in different ways.

spend lots of time out and about. Kids love
exploring. Do a morning walk and an afternoon walk, if possible, use a pushchair. She will need a rest but won’t want to stop too long. Walk to as many places as you can together. The exercise and fresh air will do you both good. You will bump into others in your community and you will have adult interaction which you will need,

don’t be afraid to meet friends and family. Go out together. Meet at parks, cafes the library.

don’t forget time on your own, as a couple and as a family. You’ve got this!

All great advice above, 100% what we did. Particularly the loops. Only thing I would add might be could you add something in that you wouldn't normally have time to do? Like a little project? I went ham on going on mini day trips to museums for example, just for an hour. You could visit every coffee shop in the local area and rate all the scones and babycinos. Search a charity shop in every village until you have collected a full set of antique tea cups that she likes. Buy one of those mini water colour pallettes and do a painting a day with her. Go for a walk each day and see how many Christmas lights you can see and judge which ones are you favourites. Get an allotment and transform it together. Pop down to your local skate park and let her roll around on a balance bike or scooter. (Skate park people are usually quite nice and chill I've found). Rewatch all of bluey and try to find the long dogs.

Adoption leave was so terrifyingly tedious and draining and yet I was so glad to be there with the kids because we had them.... It was a very difficult thing to explain. I had sensory overload, was very stressed and had lost a huge part of my identity, and at the same time had to keep 2 kids alive and look happy about it? Ugh.

Failing all those, if you live near an IKEA, they have smaland, a soft play type thing where you can drop them off for 45 minutes. We did that, the kids loved it and it was literally the only respite I had whilst we were in the first few months. It was so needed!

Thanks so much for you advice and kind words. Yesterday was a really good today. However today I am really badly full of cold and have some awful kind of stomach bug and don't think I'll be able to leave the house. Pray for me 🤣

Ah, a day for doing as little as possible - lots of toys scattered around the sofa. Peppa pig on repeat (with headphones for you).

Oh dear! get well soon. Yes teach her how to play musical bumps/statues today - can watch the bing episode where they play musical statues together so she gets to see how to do it? Theres another great song if she loves to dance (and you can sit and DJ) by Patty Shulka I think it is called stop, which is great and very fun. And I know movies are too long but if you watch the Let it Go part of Frozen on you tube together shel love that song and embrace it? Not sure if this works for all 3 year olds, maybe my DDs just a big dance fan! Another good educational game thats good for you to sit down is scavanger hunt. So you get to sit down and say things for her to run around and find - eg something yellow, a cat, a teddy etc, might give you 10mins half rest!

Hey.

Our little girl also came home at aged three. We are now two years down the line and we are all settled and in a really happy place. But now, when I look back at the first few months I can see the downward spiral I was in. It's so difficult, you suddenly have everything you ever wanted but it's such a shock to the system and the guilt I felt at struggling was horrendous. I used to look at her and think I can't do this. Then fee terrible as if I was feeling that way then how must she have been feeling. My partner used to leave for work and I would just burst into tears. Best thing I did was go to a local adoption play group. I found some people there who are now long life friends and I honestly wouldnt have coped without them. At the weekend we would panic if we didnt have plans to fill
The time. We were also told that our daughter couldn't go to nursery for six months. But after three I spoke to ss as I really thought our daughter would benefit from nursery. As would I. She did end up
Going in for three days a week and I really think it helps her settle into her new life with us as she made her little social network too. Hang in there and lean on your support network. It does get easier. I promise. Enjoy your first family Christmas 😀

So glad you found the Adoption Section @EvBGJ. Hope you're getting over your bug

Some amazing advice above and I’d echo a lot of it! An additional idea I found useful when our little one was that age (and still do 3 years later on occasion!) was a pile of theraplay type cards I’d bought I’ll try and post the link but you could totally make your own and involve little one in decorating & choosing activities. Simple connecting activities like playing keepy uppy with a balloon, trying to eat party rings off each others fingers, wrapping each other up in toilet roll & breaking free, doing Pat-a-cake etc it was amazing for those moments when you just have nothing left, you’ve run out of ideas and have expectant little eyes looking at you and your brain just goes nope … nothing here!! Have them handy grab them and pick one at random and off you go instant craziness!! Has got me out of many a tight spot!!!

Yes the cards from Beacon! very good. Defintely yes pat a cake snuggled in a blanket (and round and round the garden etc) and keepy uppy! Swimming is so good for attachment if you can. Even painting nails and drawing heart 'tattoos' on each other. Usbourne sticker books are good too for engaged yet restful entertainment. I got a lie in this morning ordering icecreams from my DD as she has a great pretend icecream set (melissa&doug) so she can pretend to make icecreams for me so though i should mention that one, any games that enable some rest I find brilliant. I write out my weeks schedule and each day put in an active morning activity - swimming/ nature walk/soft play etc, then for after lunch write a few planned activities down for home play/garden play - trampoline disco, playdo, stickers etc and then expect a cup of tea break with bluey say. I think a plan is so helpful. Thats why the cards are good I think as they give you the activity. Row your boat was one and works in well with yoga so we have yoga mats as a regular activity! And fun online workouts like cebebbies Andys workouts or Mamma Mia workout, whatever you/they like there will be a workout for it and great for kid entertainment, your own exercise and attachment.

Yes @tonyhawks23 it was the Beacon cards! They were great! Looks like they have an app instead now which might be worth exploring. Op I Hope you’re feeling better and you manage a low key first Christmas together. Don’t put yourselves under any pressure! Just be together and do some things you will all enjoy !

Hoping tomorrow is as smooth as it can be tomorrow