I absolutely HATE Christmas

[JustVentung]

Just venting:

I'm so done with my pissing adopted children. Neither can cope with ANY excitement, even though we keep it all fucking low key.

Tree going up? Best leave that until nearer the time.
See Santa? Best choose a low-key one where it isn't busy. Oh, and fucking put up with 4 year old punching, biting and being an absolute arsehole on the day because he can't cope.

Christmas parties? No thanks! So BOTH fucking children kick off because they bloody know about them and want to go but I know they CANNOT cope with it.

School fucking phoning me to tell me that youngest is misbehaving. Really? What are you doing to keep him settled then? Because at least he doesn't kick/bite/punch teacher like he does when he gets home with us.

Elf in the shelf? Ha! No way!!!!!!

YES - they have therapy, post adoption support blah blah blah. I'm in tears because I can't scale it back any bloody more. Both of them are constantly bitching and moaning about wanting to do all the ridiculous, exciting stuff. But neither actually have a fun time! I'm so sick of having the be the bad guy!

I HATE Christmas with these kids. Weekends are fucking awful.

So sorry to hear all of this.
We didn't have violent behaviour, but always had to keep Christmas relatively low key. Our decorations only go up at the end of term (youngest in college now), and we do minimal things in the run up.
It is really hard at primary age as they hype them up a lot, and the timetable at school goes to pot.

Gosh that's so hard OP. I so sorry it's so rubbish.

Our DS is not on the level you describe and it's still hard. Definitely can't do elf on the shelf, and we need to swerve Santa. And PP is right, school gets them stupidly hyped. DS's sleep is suddenly really unpredictable and that tends to result in a lot of headbutting and kicking in the morning.

Oh I fully understand and you have my sympathy.

This was us for many, many years. It was the anticipation as much as anything. We certainly never had Peace On Earth!

Why do so many places have countdowns of how many 'sleeps' until Christmas? (Sleep? In December? As if!)

Why do so many strangers ask, 'Have you been good? Santa only comes to those on the nice list.' (The number of times I had to declare, in a very firm voice, 'No child can ALWAYS be good, Santa comes to EVERY child'.)

Why does Christmas build-up now start in October? (Which means we live on a knife edge for 3 months.)

How many Christmas events does one school need? (We had to avoid the fair, the lunch, the disco, the sleigh event, the Christingle, the jumper day, the 'We're just going to watch films all day and have a class party' day.)

All I can say is that ours did finally, gradually, get better and I hope yours does too.

I was almost afraid to check the replies on this thread I was very very cross and upset earlier. I've calmed a lot now kids are asleep. My mum is taking them for a couple of hours tomorrow thank god.

I supposed I just feel so sad that I want them to be able to enjoy the controlled amount we do and they just can't. My youngest spends his life fighting against his fight or flight reactions and this kind of excitement just makes it so much worse.

And yes, the build up is too bloody long! My kids adore Halloween, which I find bizarre because we aren't big on it. They find it incredibly exciting though So we actually go from Halloween excitement straight into Xmas excitement.

I do think my youngest finds the threat of Santa not coming overwhelming actually. I hate to say it but I think I will be breaking the news to him that Santa is me sooner than I would generally like. I think the idea of his presents depending on a faceless person he doesn't know probably is a little much.

I've always made it clear to my son that the idea of Santa only coming to 'good' kids is made up by grown ups as a way to try to make them be good. On BBC's Operation Ouch they have the phrase MUBAGU (made up by grown ups) and so I always remind him it's MUBAGU whenever this 'naughty and nice' stuff comes up. I also give him loads of reassurance in the run up that he is going to be getting toys, and it will be the things he wants. I have never been as explicit as 'you are getting a bike and a train set', but I would go as far as removing that element of surprise if it would be helpful. Christmas presents do not need to be a surprise. That's just what we have been conditioned to believe to be correct. This is the hardest part for a lot of children.

Also Santa has not been in our house since 2019 (thank you covid). He comes to the door after bedtime and I take the presents from him, in the manner of a Tesco delivery. My son is at an age now where he is starting to piece things together. He knows that the Santas you see out and about in the lead up to Christmas are all different and so they can't be 'real'. I have dropped some huge hints about parents being the real Santa, and we've talked this year about the need for toy banks for children whose parents don't have the money for toys, but he is desperately trying to cling onto the last bit of the magic. We're lucky in the sense that he is for the most part out of mainstream school, so he's not surrounded by the hype in the same way other children are. We very much pick and choose the Christmas that will suit him, so there's no panto or carols. We do Christmas lights and other outdoors things that won't be too busy.

Sending hugs. There is so much pressure to make this the most wonderful time of year. It's okay that it isn't, but I think as parents we need to allow ourselves to mourn for the Christmas we thought we would have with our children, while at the same time trying to carve out something that isn't completely awful.

My children have mostly been able to cope with Christmas, so I have very little experience of what you are experiencing @JustVentung and this might be an stupid suggestion. However, I used to send them a letter from Santa very early on in the month. He would always tell them how special they were to him and things like how glad he was they were in a family who kept them safe. So my children knew they were on the good list and Santa reinforced messages we were giving our children. This might be yet more excitement and unmanageable for your children, but I thought I mention it.

@I do think my youngest finds the threat of Santa not coming overwhelming actually. I hate to say it but I think I will be breaking the news to him that Santa is me sooner than I would generally like. I think the idea of his presents depending on a faceless person he doesn't know probably is a little much.

One of the things we did that helped with the whole Santa anxiety was explain that their stockings came from Santa, and that their gifts came from mum and dad and other family members.

My DD particularly had a terrible time in the run up to Christmas, just too much overwhelm. Reading your post today made me realise she’s been absolutely fine so far this year. She’s the right level of excitement without it tipping over - which is a first for us. By now we’re usually scraping her off the ceiling. We never really did elf on the shelf, but she loves doing it for others - so much so she now does it for me! Every morning I wake to a new elf adventure - she’s 13 now and it’s definitely got easier as she’s got older but I remember well fighting my way through to January.

I get it - both of mine often struggled or got overwhelmed by stuff like this.

I spent so long dreaming about the idyllic childhood we were going to give our kids and the amazing experiences I was going to give them that I forgot that all they want is to be save and stable. I realised I wanted the experiences for me to feel like a proper mum.

I remember taking my DD to a princess lunch at Cinderella's castle at Disney world. She hated the whole experience and I was just so upset at what a disaster the whole thing had been.

Birthdays have to be kept low key, and she was terrified of Santa for years. I even did a full dress and make up rehearsal for her prom complete with photos because there was always the chance that on the actual prom day she would refuse to take part.

DS just gets overwhelmed and tries to ruin things for everyone. He still does it at 19 years old! Holidays , birthdays ( his own and other people's ) it often ends with him being awful.

reading this thread has made me reflect on the fact that Christmas often generally fails to deliver the idyllic experience we hope for no matter what your family set up. I adore Christmas myself but looking back over 30 odd years of being a parent of firstly birth children later joined by foster children and an adopted child it is easy to be tripped up by our own expectations of how it should be
. We have a range of special needs children as well and there is always someone having a drama. Someone is generally unwell ( even sometimes hospitalised ) . Someone will invariably be in a mood or having a meltdown due to.being overloaded. Somebody else will be moaning about not being able to hear the telly. Etc etc.
Forget visions of sugarplum and rosy cheeked cherubs excited by the thought of Santa as that is all a marketing illusion in my experience anyway. Try to do whatever little things you can. Maybe attempt the party for 30 mins and beat a retreat if necessary. look for quiet light trails in the open where excess energy can be easily expended . It doesn't matter what it looks like in relation to others just do what suits you.

And I promise you that one day ( sooner than you think) you will look back fondly on your family Christmas no.matter what it served up and be misty eyed when you realise how fast it all goes. .I really hope you find some peace and balance over the coming weeks and that it turns out better than you think. Merry Christmas x

The one thing that helped one of mine was to show some of the presents they would get. They were wrapped but knowing they were in the house helped they knew they would get something.
My child was seen as " naughty " by many rather than a traumatised child and naughty children don't get presents.

Just to add 2 of my 4 adopted sons ( now aged 30-40) are parents themselves now. Although I can look back on stressful times at Christmas. They enjoyed some traditions. Eg swimming on Christmas Eve afternoon -got rid of energy. A walk by the river Christmas day . They are now ensuring their children go to pantos, see lights meet Santa . One has to judge it to go when its quieter as our grandson has Asd and goes to a special school. Part of being an adopter is enabling our children to become hands on,loving parents. They may need more support than some of our friends adult children. But i am thrilled some family traditions are being passed down to the next generatiom

My FB memories mainly consist of "DS bit a TA and was sent home" at this time of year.
They are now 10 and 12 and it's actually quite enjoyable. So hang in there.
I took them to choose Christmas Eve onesies in October (on a half term day that wasn't half term where we were shopping) after a couple of years of this being an issue. (I want them but I don't want them but I want them so I'll get angry).
All exciting outings are after Christmas (they now enjoy light trails, theatre, baking - though TBF they always enjoyed baking).
Also lots of swimming. And going to the beach in wellies.

@user1471464167 swimming on Christmas Eve yes! Even in 2020 we booked it weeks in advance.

I forgot about the overwhelm this year and my poor son just shut down at school, head on table and cried. I felt awful for not preparing him and reminding him of some strategies to deal with his hyper vigilance and the Christmas overwhelm. Anyway, he seems to be coping better now. And we’ve had some bed wetting from the youngest. It all definitely starts in October in schools and it amazes me that so few adults are aware of what reactions all of the hype can illicit in a child. I had to remind my mum not to constantly sing Christmas songs with them at the weekend because it only serves to add to the anxiety in the end. My son has a great teacher though and I’m sure she does some research into it in her spare time because she really does get him.

Good luck everyone!!

Honestly, October to December is just a bit of an unsettling time for loads of kids (and adults!). Many kids just don't cope with the changes (country dancing and shows instead of normal PE and normal uniform etc). And on a sensory level there's just lots of stuff everywhere. And the prospect of an avalanche of material stuff coming there way, some of which they need to request themselves and wait for, which will be brought into their house by a stranger, is just too much. Plus, on a social level, suddenly they need to behave well in front of assorted friends and relatives and eat weird food. I know you are venting and you know all this already. There is a lot on pressure on us parents to make it all wonderful. I feel it too!

Yep I'm joining the thread now she's started biting and is dysregulated every day. When this thread started she was doing brilliantly, which is nice as it gives me a time frame and hope that things will improve in January once back at school, but has deteriorated to completely awful now!

My two have been doing fine until a combination of family birthday dinner, pantomime x 2 (one school one family outing), 2 school parties, Christmas lunch at school, Christmas jumper day, and 2 Christmas performances in one week tipped them over the edge. There’s just so much going on, so little routine at school and extra treats that it’s hard to keep things low key. My DS opted out of the school Christmas lunch and jumper day - he said he’d rather just be normal instead, bless him.

I’ll be glad when they finish school next week because at least there’s a few days to decompress before Christmas Day itself.

@tonyhawks23 my two usually crash on Boxing Day - totally burnt out, they sleep it off and are fine from then onwards even if there are still family gatherings etc. I think for them it’s the excitement/anxiety of how the day itself will be, whether they’ll get gifts they hope for etc along with a visceral memory of very bad Christmased, it just wipes them out.

Well I'm kind of happy to see the thread I posted in complete despair has resonated with so many! And so many kind words too - thank you.

We are actually doing a bit better believe it or not. Actually, I think I'm coping more rather than the kids being better. We've also had a nice round of sickness bug too thrown into the midst. My youngest has woke up at 5am every day for the last week stressing because they are going to the church. Tomorrow. He has no concept of time though.

I've managed to just kind of calm down now and put myself in their shoes. Poor loves, it's shit that they find something fun so hard.

And I found out that last weeks learning at school was something incredibly triggering for mine so that explains why its been suddenly so bad! gives me hope that its not Christmas and we will be ok!