Supporting each other and sharing the love

[suzylee73]

I have noticed that if anyone says anything negative regarding the adoption process people react badly and call them out for it!

We should be free to feel negativity. I have read posts where people have been annoyed about part of the process they disagree with and the reply has been "maybe adoption is not for you"

For me there were some aspects that I did not agree with but if I spoke out I was judged and my suitability questioned. That is not ok.

During the 4 day adoption training I felt that we were all pressured into adopting children with additional needs especially Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.I have a lot of experience with children with FAS and I knew that some of the things we were all told were incorrect and definately played down. But again I was not free to speak.

The system is flawed as are most. Is it not better to speak out and respect different experiences instead of trying to gag them.....

I am so happy that I persevered, we have an amazing child and being a Mum is the greatest gift. I don't want to put people off, it is worthwhile in the long run.

I just want prospective adoptors to be able to come here and ask questions and share worries without being judged for it x

I don't think that's fair. We're very supportive to wobbles in the process, gosh I had so many!

The "maybe adoption isn't for you" is usually for wildly inappropriate queries such as "I plan to never tell my kid they're adopted. Mean SWs say I should- can I lie?"

SWs DO minimise needs, and are ignorant about FASD. However FASD is so common in adopted children as to be much harder to avoid than SWs make out.

I'm not sure what you're hoping to achieve here?

If it's "how silly is this risk assessment for my goldfish, and they need a form each! 😂" then I am here for that.

If it's "I don't believe the SWs want to know about my heroin addiction and conviction for assault five years ago, I'm going to lie." then I think that should be challenged.

I agree with you up to a point, I do think the adoption assessment and matching process needs reform, not least because (through professional and personal experience) I see too many people who should never have adopted get approved, and others who I think would make good adopters turned down (on the latter, I know you can't see what the social worker is seeing, but I believe it happens).

The system is heavily biased in favour of middle class couples who present in the right way without enough critical thought about whether they can parent children who have complex needs. Some of the worst adopters I've encountered have been the ones that looked best superficially: well off, well educated , good jobs, no blots on their copy book. But are not able to parent in the way these children need. Social workers should pick this up - heaven knows the assessment is extensive enough - but too often don't.

Having said that, I think these boards are usually supportive and reasonable, I don't see people being silenced.

I hear what you're saying and also agree to an extent. There shouldn't be any judgement. We won't always get it right. We will find it beyond incredibly hard at times. We will think we have the right answer or can pull something off and fail. And we need to encourage each other and pick each other up when that happens.

I do however think there should be challenge; especially to your thought processes when you first start thinking about adoption. The challenge should be direct and hard to hear. The reason being that is what we'll face (sometimes on a daily basis) as an adoptive parent. And most of it will come from our amazing children.

Most of the time my DS does not agree with me, does not see things as I do and really wants to insist on his way. I have to be able to receive that challenge in the right way, and know when to stick to my guns and when to lean in to his perspective.

And I think there has to be a place for "Is adoption really for you?". I was asked at that very early on, and multiple times throughout the process. And it was really valid. The most important thing I learned in training was to drop my incorrect preconceptions and face up to a tough reality. You have to be all and as certain of yourself as possible because our children have already suffered too much.

Social workers cannot look into the future. People change and adjust. Some people develop huge strength, others falter. Children might need one type of parenting at some stage and an entirely different type at another stage - mine certainly did. How are sw supposed to assess prospective adopters for that?

I have seen some sw minimise problems and others being very open and blunt about it. However, the information is out there and freely available. Any fairly recent (last 15 years) adopter who claims they did not know about the risks just didn't bother to do their homework. We adopted 13 years ago and I had come across every risk in my research: children attacking their parents with knives, destroying homes (literally and metaphorically), severe mental health problems, risk-seeking behaviours, sexualised behaviours - everything. We knew exactly what we were signing up for. So I think adopters need to take responsibility for their choices.

@Lincoln24 Adopters need so many different qualities: empathy, warmth, kindness, patience, strong communication skills, advocacy skills, understanding of health and mental health issues, being able to manage highly stressful situations, great listeners, being able to stay calm and fully functioning in dangerous situations, forgiveness, being able to manage highly complex relationships (siblings, birth family), building positive relationships with professionals (health, mh, education, social care, SEND, possibly the police, law), playfulness, great explanation skills, superhuman resilience, understanding of processes in the education, social care, health and mental health sectors and possibly the police and the law, being adjustable, having a 7th sense for their children, technical skills (sm), low tendency towards jealousy, research skills, non-judgemental and on and on it goes. There is nobody out there who is excellent at all of this, and every child will need a different mix.

We need to keep the alternative for these children in mind, and I think the vast majority of adoptive parents are much better than longterm care.

@suzylee73

I don't think I've seen people being called out on here, unless it's as previously mentioned wildy off the wall stuff like the people who only wanted to adopt an Indian child because her grandfather was in the Army and she felt guilty about England's role in India.

Are SWs really pressuring people to adopt children with additional needs or just trying to get people to understand the worst case scenarios?
I agree there is a lot that could be done about the process but I think this place is largely supportive and non judgemental. But with such a laege public forum there are going to be disagreements from time to time