Advice for transition

[fingerscrossed2021x]

Hi all

Just looking for some advice. We are adopting our AD's sibling and transitions begin very soon. We never did transitions with our DD and we have been informed that the foster carer is really struggling with it understandably and we want to be sensitive and mindful and we're unsure the best way to go about this.

We are obviously happy and can't wait to meet baby but now don't want to show too much excitement as this may come across as insensitive.

I'm wondering if there are any FC on here that could give some advice on how they would like adopters to act in this situation?

Also any gift ideas and is that appropriate? Thinking for the end of the transition period so hopefully may get some ideas of what they like during!

Thanks

(I'm an adopter not a fc)

My younger daughters fc was absolutely distraught at her moving on, she was literally sobbing every day, she loved (and still loves her now) so much. I actually regret not showing more emotions and excitement, within reason obviously. She loved her so much and what she wanted more than anything was to know that she was going to be loved and cherished. On parting I gave her a rose plant with the same name as my daughter which she send very regular photos of every summer. Over time she has calmed down a bit and loves getting regular updates and we see her a handful of times over the year. I would advise bigging up the thanks and praise to fc and also bigging up the praise, wonder, gushing about little one (don't necessarily mean in front of LO, obvs dot want to stress them out) but demonstrate to FC that you're on their 'side' in your love for LO.

I def wouldn't advise the above if the fc was in a situation where they had applied to adopt LO and been refused or a similar situation. I've had friends adopt in that scenario and it was really challenging, I think those cases need very careful managing by SWs.

Honestly, it’s not your job to attend to the foster carers feelings. You will have enough in your plate during transitions without trying to be sensitive to their feelings - they have social work support to manage this transition. Who informed you that the foster carers were struggling, and what did they think you’d do with that information. During transitions everyone’s focus should be on the children involved - adopters, foster carers, social workers. The foster carers may need support to achieve this, but that’s not your role.

You have every right to be excited, adoption is a hard road, we need to take joy where we can. I remember very clearly being expected to manage the foster carers feelings of loss - which they made very clear - but my focus needed to be on the children.

It’s very kind of you to be mindful of them - which will help you avoid being clumsy, but really focus on your existing child and your new child. A nice photo of the children might make a lovely gift, but don’t over think it. Transitions is a tough time especially for the adopters.

In what way are the foster carers deemed to be struggling? Where has this information come from? This shouldn’t have to be ‘managed’ by you. Your role is to be welcoming this child into your family without having to worry about the foster carer and working with the carer to make a smooth transition.
The greatest gift an adopter can give to me is a promise to let me know how the little one is doing from time to time and hopefully even meet up when the time is right for all. Flowers are always appreciated though! The actual final day of introductions can be extremely emotional all round, so probably any gift could be given the day before.
Good luck with everything.

I don’t want to be the grumpy poster that scares you but, we had a similar situation where fc was struggling as they really wanted to adopt fc. we were first time adopters so tried to please everyone - I wish we’d have been more honest.

FC cried daily. She invited birth mum and her friends around of an evening when we left. She sent photos and messages to BM and Facebook groups mourning losing DS. We tried to cover everything up. We didn’t report anything to our SW because we were worried it would jeopardise our match. At our review, FC told everyone I was struggling and she was concerned about my bonding. It was honestly a disaster. During the CIN meeting post adoption, we were advised to go no contact with FC despite us originally wanting to keep in touch. I ended up on anxiety medication because of FC contact post DS coming home. We know FC and BM are still in touch.

My advice would be go in focusing on your new child. Tell your SW everything. It is going to be very mentally draining and you should be prepared for that. I honestly can’t emphasise enough telling everything to your SW.

You have to get tough here, sorry. The fc is not your responsibility. We bent over backwards for our girls' fc. In 30 years of fostering she had never loved a child as much as our younger daughter, who was nearly 2 when she came to us. We kept in touch way beyond what was necessary, but fc lost interest as our daughter grew up and wasn't the infant she remembered. Once you have your child at home you have no obligations to the fc. She needs to move on and prepare for the next child.

Keeping some contact with the FC should happen if this is in the best interest of the child. It should be child lead. This could depend on the age of the child and how long they have lived with the carer. This is potentially another loss for the child and should not be minimised but there’s lots of ways this can happen.
If adopters feel the FC is over stepping the boundaries they should speak to their swkr for advice who could step in if necessary.
Adoption and fostering brings many emotions.

I'm a foster carer. I've never been in this situation as I have a permanent placement, but it is a possibility in the future. Firstly, who says the carer is struggling? A carer telling her SW she's going to really miss the little one and the house won't feel the same etc doesn't mean that she won't be perfectly able to move the child onto you. She might just be venting to the SW but will be fine with you.

I would just go in being friendly and willing to listen. Admire things like how the child's bedroom is decorated at the carer's house and how she has the child dressed, even if it's not to your taste. Listen and agree to things you're told about the child's care and routines, even if you plan to change everything once you're at home - she doesn't need to know that!

Most foster carers understand their job is to move children into their permanent homes and even though it's hard, ultimately we just want the children to be happy, so as long as we feel the adopters are nice people who will look after their new child most of us would be able to wave the child off and be happy for them to have their forever family.

i am a foster carer and adopter and yes as others say the foster carer should be acting in a manner respectful of the situation and your position now. It is not your job to.placate them so.i would just concentrate on doing what is in the baby's best interests.