DD and Birth Mother on FB

[MelainesLaugh]

Brief back story, I adopted DD, who’s now 15, with my ex-husband. She still sees him and has a fantastic relationship with him. I remarried and went on to have two children with my second husband. My eldest daughter dotes on her siblings and as far as I was concerned we were a happy unit.

However, I’ve just discovered that she has been talking to her birth mother on FB. The birth mother found her, I thought we’d been careful with settings but I believe DD changed them. She’s been telling my DD that she isn’t really my daughter, I was only looking after her while her birth mother couldn’t but thats now changed so she can go home to her, I obviously don’t love her if I went on to have two more children, if she’d known I was going to get divorced she’d have never let me look after DD in the first place.

DD has now been repeating all this to me, but in an accusatory manner, eg “I’m not really your daughter, you were just looking after me but I can go home now”.

Im at my wits end and don’t know what to do. We adopted DD at 18 months of age and did meet her birth mother who seemed resigned to the adoption and didn’t oppose it. Any words of wisdom from anyone who’s been through it would be helpful

I would go to post adoption support immediately if it is available where you are and ask for therapy and life story work.

I have also heard the potato group is supportive but don’t know anything about them personally

sorry you are going through this

Sending hugs this all sounds incredibly difficult.

My daughter is a couple of years older than yours and a very similar thing has happened to us. My daughter tracked her BM down on FB a couple of months ago. Her BM contacted me and said her and my daughter wanted a relationship with each other. She has got herself together and isn't the person she was. After speaking with my daughter and her confirming that she wants a relationship too then what has worked for me is to speak directly with BM and navigate the way forward in my daughter's best interests. Me and BM speak directly and regularly with each other and we have all met up. BM is very respectful of my position and has actually been very supportive of me with my AD and I think this is because I have invited her into our lives and keep her updated with information concerning my daughter's difficulties. By doing this I have managed to retain control of the situation and know exactly what is going on between her and my AD. I am also facilitating her relationship with my AD who is also her daughter which she is very grateful for. Unfortunately no matter how much we wish there were no BMs there are and this has to be navigated but with you in full control.

I appreciate this may not be the same for you. But what I would do is find out if your AD wants a relationship with her and if so you contact the BM directly and basically lay down the ground rules of how this relationship will work going forward. Firstly she must stop filling your ADs head with nonsense and you will have set times during the week when she can speak with your AD and how that will be done - eg on your phone and with you present until you feel able to trust that she is not trying to undermine you. Tell her that if she does love your AD then she must prove it by agreeing to your rules/boundaries. If she refuses to or doesn't stick to the rules then contact will cease.

Definitely speak with post adoption support and get support in place for your daughter and also for you as no doubt your emotions will be all over the place. Also inform your placing authority and get them to put support in place for BM - they will also lay down the ground rules with her to.

It's a complete minefield to navigate but just keep in mind what you feel is in your daughter's best interests and ensure you retain control.Xxx

Did you not think this might happen? You seem really shocked and surprised but t is pretty common nowadays for adopted children to connect with birth family in this way and for there to be fall out.

You can't go back to how it was before. You all have to manage this new scenario.

Plenty of kids just get up and go to live with bf and, unless there is a safeguarding issue, chances are sws won't intervene.

So imo you need to tread carefully to make sure she stays with you.

Maybe arrange to take her to meet bm so she doesn't run off to do it herself. You can ask for post adoption support but it will take ages.

I agree about joining Potato Group. Lots of people there have experienced this.

www.thepotatogroup.org.uk

How much does she know about the reasons for her adoption? How often do you talk to her about her life before the adoption and her birth family? I agree that she needs life story work and urgently so, if she is willing to engage.

Try to stay as calm as possible. Her accusations are of course fear based. She might question if you would also have adopted her if you had been with your second husband from the start. Try not to demonise the birth family, but show compassion and help her understand her birth mother's perspective and pain while emphasising the risks of contact. I would gently point to the inconsistencies in what her birth mother says.

You say she loves you and her family. To me this sounds as if she needs a lot of reassurance. Her birth mother is trying to put a spin on the way your daughter is viewing her relationships and you need to help her see through that while reassuring your daughter that she is loved and will always be part of your family.

No I never thought it would happen. It didn’t cross my mind at all that her birth mother would contact her directly and say all this awful stuff.

Thanks for all the advice. My head has stopped spinning now.

I’ve been very truthful with DD about her adoption and she has a story book with photos of her birth family. We did letterbox for many years although her birth mother never engaged with it. One of her grandparents did until they died and we occasionally got one from birth dad. When she got to 13 she said she didn’t want to do them anymore and I respected that.

When I got divorced from her Dad she took it well, and she wanted me to get together with now husband (we knew him through a hobby). She noticed a spark between us before I admitted it to myself. I would never have remarried if it was detrimental to her.

Her two siblings she dotes on. She does have half siblings via her birth mother who are also adopted who I would’ve loved to have been in touch with but their family didn’t want it. They are older than my DD.

It’s come out of the blue, I thought she might want to meet them one day although she had never expressed that. I hadn’t thought about contacting birth mother directly, that has be worth a try

Another who thinks you need support with this, fine for BM to want a relationship with DD, absolutely great.
But she can't be re-writing history and lying to DD without DD getting the benefit of a more balanced and honest interpretation of events.
Obviously this has to be handled very sensitively and you may now be cast as the evil child-snatcher. But something like the BM 'choosing' you & exh as DD parents is unlikely to be true and the process could be explained to your DD.

I think it sounds like your daughter is repeating to you the things her birth mum has said to her because she wants you to tell her that these things aren't true. So birth mum saying you've just been looking after her and now she can go back you can tell her,

'No, I adopted you because I wanted you to be my daughter forever. You and your older siblings were taken away from your birth mum because she wasn't keeping you safe. You were taken away by social workers after a judge had decided you couldn't live there. There were then other court cases to decide whether or not you could go back. Your birth mum could have gone to court and given evidence as to how she could look after you but she didn't do that. She might regret that choice now but you living with me was never meant to be temporary. It was always going to be permanent and I'm sorry she's not happy with that arrangement but sadly for her and happily for me you are now and always will be my legal daughter.'

I think she's old enough to be told a few home truths about her birth mum. Not to be nasty, but just in a 'these are the facts and your birth mum might not want them to be true so might now be saying other things, but that doesn't stop them being true' kind of way.

^ This 100%. I think in these situations you need to be strong and honest about the reasons for the adoption. Ultimately it's not your fault and the BF are responsible not you. I'm not saying you can't be compassionate but I wouldn't let it be spun in anyway against me as the adoptive parent.

I have recently re-read the the court documents and social worker reports for our DC's. It was pretty upsetting to remind myself of the life they once had but i think it's important not to forget the reasons they were adopted. Our DC's mother also left the placement and did not attend court, it's very sad but ultimately we as adopters have to pick up the pieces.

Good luck and I hope you are remembering to take care of yourself! It's a really hard situation to be in.