Letterbox Contact Worries

[Kent2024]

We adopted our DC around six years ago, background of neglect, unsafe environment, non-accidental injury resulting in BP's leaving the placement of their own accord.

Our DC is absolutely thriving, the centre of our world and happy and healthy. They are loved by everyone in the family and have great relationships with cousins, grandparents etc. I truly believe that had they stayed with BP they may not be here today or if they were they would be severely disabled / have a lot of additional needs due to the environment and level of neglect.

We have always been open to letterbox contact and sent and received letters from BM since the start. This was explained to us as being beneficial for our DC's future wellbeing and understanding that they were always loved despite not being able to be cared for by BF.

The letters started off addressed to us and were open about the failings and even stated that they agreed with the adoption and know they are loved and in a better place.

Fast forward to now and the letters have changed dramatically, addressed to DC and do not acknowledge us at all, full of promises for the future with comments like; "i'm counting down the days until we can be together again", "nanny and grandad miss you every day", "i'm in a better place now and have another DC who is your sibling and you are both so alike you will be together again soon" etc etc. Although i can't stop them writing this stuff i feel like it's totally inappropriate and would be damaging to our DC.

Does anyone have any experience of this and am i being unreasonable to be concerned about sharing these letters with our DC? We have always been very balanced and thoughtful around discussions re BF, non-judgmental and never blaming etc but i feel DC needs to know the severity of their early life and the dangers these people pose.

Not sure what i'm looking for here, just a sounding board to vent and get some opinions for other adopters or BP's.

Thanks for listening.

@Kent2024
I'm a bit rushed right now so if this sounds abrupt I don't mean it
In my view the letters are inappropriate and the co- ordinator shouldn't have sent them to you. So I'd send them back, explaining why you will not be sharing with your child , rinse and repeat till they get the message.
My son is 20, I still have in my possession part of a letter from birth mum which was beyond inappropriate- I sent it back 3 times. The fourth time I just kept it, I hope I will never have to give it to him. My fear is that if he ever asks for his file and it will be on there. So I will be having words with the SW should it be necessary

Our regional adoption team used to read the letters before forwarding but we now receive them without being checked and are told to contact them if any issues. Do they check yours first?
Without telling your son anything which could alarm him while so young I would just return the letters and ask for extra help be given to birth family on what is acceptable and appropriate.
Birth family have been allowed to keep a sibling and possibly think they have changed so much they will be good for your son in the future as the tone has changed.
Take a copy for yourself and let adoption agency ensure they get it right.

We got an inappropriate letter from birth family once. I read an edited version to my child and told her that I had changed the letter because it was inappropriate. She was happy with that and never asked for the original. My daughter has memories of her birth family though.

I’ve re-read the letters a few times and I’m just really angry now. I think it’s the fact that there is no thought about the impact of what they are saying to our DC, no insight into their behaviours. Saying things like “you will always be mine and our bond with never be broken, don’t ever change for anyone” etc etc. How would a child process that?

It just reads to me like they are saying you are still ours, we are your family and don’t ever change!! It’s like we as the adopters are seen as babysitters until our DC goes back to their “real home” despite the fact they literally walked out and abandoned our DC before they reached their first birthday.

Feeling a lot of emotions this evening about it all but I realise this is mine to deal with and I wouldn’t ever rant in front of DC or put them in an awkward position.

This is unacceptable. Our letterbox coordinator would have refused to send letters like this on.

This isn't ok, I'm sorry it's happening to you. This is why letterbox and other contact needs skilled support- these letters should be dealt with by the letterbox service. BPs obviously need more support and help to manage their own grief and feelings, and to manage appropriate letterbox and contact.

Letterbox should be adult to adult, respectful, and meet the needs of the children, not the adults.

This should be passed back to the letterbox service, with a "birth parents need more support, we cannot have further letterbox until this is supported."

Adopted adult here

Bin those letters OP and don't give it another thought.

Your child should not see them.

Tell the letter people they were totally inappropriate and the arrangement will end if it happens again.

We also had letterbox letters like this and out letterbox coordinator contacted us first, we refused them and they were sent back to birth mum who was supported in writing more appropriate letters.

Definitely reach out to your letterbox coordinator and ask how these letters were okayed to send out. Make it clear you won’t accept letters like this again. They are not appropriate and you are protecting your son.

The letters should definitely be addressed to you and so you should send them back to letterbox. It isn't appropriate.... However, the fact that they were written like that gives you valuable information too. You can be honest with your child about what that means about BMs feelings and what that might entail.

However, if there is some factual information you can drop in, or even information about how BP is feeling, I wonder whether it would be useful to drip feed it in small doses to LO in order to prepare him for later life or alleviate any worry he has about her? Also to let them know they have a sibling. (Speaking to adult adoptees, the worry they had a sibling caused profound worries for them, including but not limited to never saying anyone who could possibly have a similar racial background to them, so I feel like although that might be a hard conversation to have, preparing the ground for it makes it easier to acknowledge certain choices later on in life).

I would also wonder whether it is possible that you could start to use the letter as a framework for helping him to understand what BPs are like and how it could support life story work?

The tone below might not quite fit with your vibe, but this is the sort of thing I would drop feed to my kids over several hours or days:

Something like:

1. State facts and opening interesting statement. "Well, darling, we do write to BM, and she writes back to us. In her lastetter she told us lots of things. You have a birth sibling! The social workers have decided that BM is feeling a bit better at the moment and sibling will live with her. Maybe in the future we could think about trying to contact her together if you wanted."

1. " Non judgementally and clearly explain what the letter showed you and why it is a problem: The letter that BM sent me showed just how strongly she feels about you still. The problem is, it's not ok for grown ups to have such strong emotions when it can upset children. Of course your BM can see what we do- what a lovely child you are, how loveable and amazing you are. But we know that sometimes, because of [insert life story factor here], she wasn't always able to keep you safe and follow all the rules that help to keep children safe. Can you remember what the social workers said? Yes, that's right, the wise judge said that she couldn't change quickly enough to make safe and sensible choices for you so you needed to grow up in a family where the grown ups could make safe and sensible choices. A grown up having such big emotions for themselves is ok, but it's not ok when they expect a child to help them with it, because that's a grown ups job."

1. Model emotional regulation and safe emotional acknowledgement, as well as positioning the child and acknowledging their emotions. "I found that letter made me quite cross, because I really wish she could follow the rules and keep you safe, but it's not your fault. Nobody is angry with you, and it's important that you understand that some grown ups just make bad chocies. My job as your mummy is to make sure that you are safe."

1. Outline simple plan of action that addresses what you feel are the biggest concerns your child may have: "Mummy has asked for the social workers to help her to be able to write the letters properly, in a way that keeps you safe and helps us all with our big feelings when we read them together. It might take a little while for them to come back to me, but I wanted you to know that she has written and still thinks about you, even if she finds it hard to make good choices right now. "

1. Leave with open ended questions, reassurances or I wonder statement combined with noticing/if statements "I want you to know that you will always be my son, and I can handle whatever you feel.about this, even if you feel big feelings. Even if you get cross in the middle of the night. Eeeven if you get sad in the middle of..

Breakfast. Even if you are curious as you.... []Here I would get increasingly playful or hyperbolic]. I wonder how you are feeling. I can see you are not looking at me right now I wonder if you feel [insert emotion] because [insert reason]"

I dunno, it's hard because you have to deal with your own emotions about it first, and that's the hardest part. It's maddening because it is indicative of a service that is not for for purpose on the part of letterbox. I would be angry that BPs aren't in the position to acknowledge the potential harm they have done, that they aren't getting the support they need. I would feel worried about them love bombing the child and the child getting drawn into it if they didn't have the skills to see through it. I might even be a bit angry that they could get their life together for siblings but not for my kid. I would be worried about the future, worried that my kid would have a difficult emotional reaction in the future if they saw that letter on file, but also maybe deep down secretly a bit happy because it probably proves something in my head that I know my sons best and know how inappropriate so of course I'm the most approproate placement, can't BM see that?I'm not saying it's a nice thing to feel, but I always thing it's good to be emotionally honest about the good, the bad and the ugly emotions we have.

All of those feelings are valid, but not all of them are rational. Feel your feelings and then think about whether there are any elements or ways that you could present this to your child in as honest and open a way as is right for you and them. It doesn't have to be a big sit down talk, and it doesn't have to be now (you can hold the information until, for example, the new year when the interminable run up to Christmas is over) and let your emotions settle first too.

Adoption is so tricky and nuanced, and I feel that there are so many levels and complexities in each situation that it makes it really tough when things like this happen. It can really trigger some deep fears, and that's a really crappy thing to have to deal with in the run up to Christmas.

@Torvy I have read some of your posts and you seem very sensitive and thoughtful, with valuable contributions. In this case, I think it's ok for the OP to give this rather less headspace, both emotionally and practically speaking. The answer is straightforward: the letter was inappropriate and the approach needs to change. Let the others figure how that might work.

And as for the children - the OPs children don't sound very old, certainly not late teens. I'm not sure I'd mention a letter like that arrived but wait and see if the social workers can remediate and take it from there.

@OVienna fair feedback :) thanks for flagging

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has replied and given me advice on this. I feel really relieved that it isn’t just me being sensitive and your replies have given me strength to push back and not just accept it.

I think adoption is a hard journey for all involved and I know at some point our DC’s may struggle with their life story. I just don’t want them to have to deal with emotional manipulation or BP’s agenda being pushed on them via this contact. They will already have a lot to deal with without reading rubbish like that.

@Torvy thank you for your help! You sound very knowledgeable and experienced and I’ll definitely take on board some of your suggestions in terms or talking to our DC’s in the future when the topic arises.

Listen - thanks for taking my comments in the spirit they were intended.

I am a million years old and my situation is in one respect far removed from children who are adopted today generally, but my contact with my birth father was painful. I am aware of how difficult 'the triangle' is and how incredibly awkward it would be to read such a letter as the OP received now, even if I'm in my 50s. I'm still the child in this situation and believe very strongly under no circs should it be shared. It's a burden for the OP, though, I appreciate that. She knows it's been written.