birth mam contesting court hearing

[Sammy2817]

Hi all, just kind of after someone to chat too about my topic or if anyone has experienced this.

we have been matched with our little one given dates etc of ruffly coming home to us, then birth mam has contested the court hearing as she tried to contest the adoption even tho the placement order has been granted already.

BM states that the court hearing wasn’t fair and should be given a period of assessment to prove herself. ( nothing has really changed with circumstances ) and also hasn’t had any relationship with baby who’s now 15months due to a arrange adoption from birth for safety reasons.

just makes me so anxious on if they give her a chance and we was so close to bringing our little one home 🫶🏽 the whole process is baffling if you ask me how they get so many rights! 🥹

Adoption is a draconian severing of the right to family life for both child and mother- of course there are rights to appeal. Thank goodness there is! The last thing you'd want would be to adopt a child who hadn't been given ever feasible chance to grow up in their family of origin.

It's incredibly difficult as an adopter, I know that, but it's all about what's best for the child. The child can know that mum fought for them, and that can be really important, especially if it's decided that mum cannot parent in the longer term, and the plan is adoption.

This woman grew this baby from her own body- that cannot be minimised. She has a relationship, a unique, irreplaceable relationship with that baby.

You may go on to have this baby placed with you, and that will be sad for the mum, and sad for the baby. Despite that sadness, it might be the safest and best plan for the baby. But I would reconsider how you speak about this to the child if they are placed.

If you had your child removed, you'd be glad of your rights. Which are really the child's rights to grow up in their birth family.

Thanks for your reply, I do understand and agree to most of what you have said.
maybe I didn’t word it to well. I totally agree from a child point of view I would do anything they needed and made sure they knew everything about their Birth parents/ any questions they would want to answer.

I just think there are some situations where some should not be given chances to contest, as I think this could be to help them more than benefit a baby so young moving on to their forever family and carry on their new life before getting to a age where they will remember these bits. That don’t mean forgetting about the person who carried them, they can still know about them and ask questions as much as they want to know things as they grow.

but in other situations that mother had a chance or maybe a few but took drugs instead of keeping the safety of a child. I do know a lot of situations where some should be given 2nd chances but that’s prob far and few between if they have needed to be put into this situation.

@Sammy2817

Hard as it is, this child is not yet 'yours' .

There is a way to go from matching to actually bringing a child home and starting a family life with them.
Remember that whatever you think you know about the mother, she is still going through the biggest of losses.
The processes are there for a reason, we may not as adopters always agree with them, but they have to take their course.
If this child is meant for you it will happen in due course.
It's tough but as always in adoption patience is everything

🫶🏽

Have you been to matching panel yet?

It is so difficult going through the adoption process. There is so much heartbreak along the way. I had a match fall through the day before matching panel and thought I’d never go through the process again. With my son, birth mum fought every single step of the way and took it through every court, appeal, extra appeals for independent social workers. It was not easy but we just had to trust the process and know that, in the end, what’s best for the child will come through.

We have been to matching panel, & also met him at a bump in and had 2nights a week FaceTimes with foster parents as getting to know them.
It was only 2weeks before he was due to come home then we got told BM had contested the Court case to be given more time. It’s now been just over 6 weeks and still not any updates.

exactly, I totally get you it’s such a rollacoaster. Can I ask how long did you have to wait with all the appeals etc before bringing him home ( I’m assuming you have done now saying already my son 🫶🏽🥰 )

Yes, he’s been home 3 and a half years now!
It took about 12 weeks in total. We found out in December, lots of court stuff, then it was approved to go ahead around March and he moved in within 3 weeks.

When he was with us, more appeals and contesting happened and the official adoption order took another 8 months, but that was whilst he was home.

I did get diagnosed with post adoption anxiety which I had support for and there were times I couldn’t see the end of the tunnel. I can truthfully say though I would go through it all a million times over for him! Much easier to say now he’s a content, happy and settled 5 year old and it all feels like a distant memory though!

Aw so lovely to hear.

yeah can imagine the anxiety is awful, but glad to hear your feeling better. & I know exactly what you mean I can already see when we are settled and what’s meant to be will be I will look back and do it all over again if needed also. Just wanted to know if anyone else had had BM contest really and see how they got on with the process.

I just think there are some situations where some should not be given chances to contest, as I think this could be to help them more than benefit a baby so young moving on to their forever family and carry on their new life before getting to a age where they will remember these bits.

I think you need to go back and revisit your understanding of adoption and particularly the experiences of birth families. Hard as it is, his mum will have her own story of how she ended up in this place and is deserving of compassion.

At what point would you stop fighting for your child? I’d go to the ends of the earth for mine and I didn’t go through pregnancy with either of them. Having a child removed is trauma after trauma, usually after a pretty traumatic life for the birth parent. She does have the right to prove herself, to seek adoption the local authority needs to evidence that she can’t now, and don’t in the near future be able to parent safely. Assuming they’ve done their job the process won’t go much further but she has the right to appeal her rights to her child being removed.

It can also be very helpful for the child to know their mum fought for them as far as she could, because it shows they were loved and wanted, even if their mum couldn’t care for them safely. It may also enable her to move forward from this knowing she did all she could legally, might support her grieving process and allow her to heal. It forms part of the positive view you (should) hold about the child’s mum - because he will need you to be able to speak positively of his birth family while recognising his mum couldn’t care for him.

I get that it’s an uncertain time, and you’ll be feeling anxious it might all fall through but this isn’t your child yet - it is her child still legally and biologically. Hopefully the decision will be made that offers him security and stability, but she is right to fight for him if she can. Everyone comes to adoption from a place of loss, it’s very hard but it won’t be the hardest thing ahead of you as an adoptive parent. Draw on the supports around you and try to be patient with yourself, the social workers and the birth family.

I do have alot of empathy knowing BM story/history. & agree this would be really difficult for her to go through and process. I would be 100% telling my child ( when and if they arrive home to us ) how much they were loved and that BM fought her hardest to keep and love them, just certain situations happen that they were unable too & also be doing as much as I can to tell them about BM etc when they wanted to know.

knowing that the child isn’t out yet, yes you would defo do anything to fight till the end for you children. So I do get the contesting and seeing why she’s doing this I’m not disagreeing even if it comes across that way.

it’s more the actual process I’m trying to say about that some of the adoption process stages should be changed around. So BM can contest a lot sooner as the main priority is the child in all of this and the younger they can be placed if necessary the better for them to settle not knowing any of this is going on. Also it’s traumatic on BM side too as fighting till the end but it could be prolonging it for them as trauma and I just feel for them in all this too!

So BM can contest a lot sooner as the main priority is the child in all of this and the younger they can be placed if necessary the better for them to settle not knowing any of this is going on.

Birth mum can contest all the way through the process, but the legal removal of parental rights is a specific process and it’s entirely right that she can challenge that decision.

If anything the part of the process that’s problematic is giving you contact with the child before matching and placement order. There’s always a good chance birth parents will contest the placement order which then delays transitions, so introducing the child to prospective adopters before then is always risky. They should have waited until matching and placement order were in place before arranging “bump into” or FaceTime contact which would have prevented some of the anxiety you’re feeling now. A real life wriggling, giggling child is a much more concrete proposition than a child “on paper” and would have given you a bit of distance while the legal process is ongoing. They jumped the gun and this is the result.

Our birth mum contested to the end but little one was her child number 4 being adopted & she just hadn’t been able to sort herself out to be able to care for him.

I disagree with the system, I think kids should only be adopted/matched once it’s all rubber stamped that mum can’t have them.

but rightly or wrongly, in my experience the system doesn’t focus on adopted parents rollercoaster ride, just the needs of the kids & the birth parent & we have to cling on for the ride & hope it works in our favour.

I disagree with the system, I think kids should only be adopted/matched once it’s all rubber stamped that mum can’t have them.

I don’t know about England but in Scotland there is the legal option of obtaining a permanence order with authority to adopt which frees children for adoption before matching and placement. My children were placed this way which made the subsequent adoption order very easy. Birth family could object to them being placed with X adopters but the legal removal of parental rights had already happened. While the facility exists it’s not often used by local authorities, I’m not sure why tbh but it’s much easier on adopters.

@Jellycatspyjamas
The placement order has been granted. She says so.in the first post! . So the legal stuff is all in place. as it should be before matching. So I totally get her frustrations with the system but as we know no.one really cares about the impact of the system.on adopters themselves. No wonder so many end up with post adoption depression.

@Sammy2817 presumably she is claiming there was some mistake in the court process ? If the order has been granted then she is facing a herculean task to overturn it so I would say just plod on day to.day whilst the process grinds on. That is all you can do and hopefully it will all turn.out OK in the end.x

🫶🏽 Thankyou for everyone input. What’s meant to be shall be 🤞