Grandma gave baby up for adoption

[afrikat]

My mum had a baby when she was 16, a little boy. She gave him up for adoption (wasn't given a choice about this by her parents). He contacted her about 15 years ago, which is when I found out. We all met up a few times but then contact fizzled out. Recently he got back in touch wanting to meet up again and due to various logistics it was easiest to meet at my house, so my children (10 and 8) met him, along with his son (he's a single dad). We didn't tell the kids who they really were (my mums choice). The visit went well and my mum is keen to have them come visit again in the new year.

I feel uncomfortable continuing contact and not telling my kids who they really are - he is technically my half brother, so their half uncle and the son is my nephew, their cousin. My mum feels uncomfortable with them knowing because 'they won't understand' but I really don't like family secrets and feel like it needs to come out eventually if we are going to keep meeting up

Would you tell them? How?

I really don't think you can tell them if your mum isn't happy about it. How does your brother feel about them knowing?

I think at this point I'd try to have a conversation with your mum and brother, without the children around, to see how you all feel about it and what you want from the relationship

Your mum probably feels a lot of hurt and shame about the adoption. I would think about how you would explain to your children without any blame and suggest that to your mum.

Does your half-brother know your children don't know? Does his son know? It may feel like another rejection to your half-brother if his birth mother doesn't want your children to know who he truly is.

I think you will run into problems if you don't all get on the same page about this. The easiest solution will be honesty.

Agree that this is your mum's choice whether to tell or not.

If you don't want to host you could meet at a soft play place or restaurant, cafe etc.

You mum needs to work out her feelings first.

I disagree, whilst I have a lot of sympathy for her, it’s not up to your mum. You and especially your half-brother had no say in this situation. She may not have had agency as a teenager but she can change that in the present with the right support. She doesn’t get to choose what you tell or don’t tell your children. Honesty is the way forward. Children are far more accepting of situations labelled as ‘complicated’ by adults.