Advice for going through the adoption process

[candycanesandcrackers]

Hi Everyone,

I’m just after a bit of advice about going through the adoption process. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while now and I’m hoping to start the process next year with an agency after saving up a bit more money.

I’m a little worried about my mental health history being a barrier. I’ve been on and off anti anxiety medications since I was a teenager but last year I had severe depression following a family bereavement and an assault which led to me feeling suicidal. I’ve done a lot of work over the last year and I’m doing loads better now and have been off meds for 9 months and realistically will have hopefully been symptom free for almost 2 years by the time I start the process next year but I’m aware this history probably doesn’t look great on paper for a medical.

The other thing I’m worried about is that I don’t have much of a family support network. I’d be adopting by myself and family wise there is just me and my Dad as I don’t have contact with my mother due to her being abusive when I was a child. I have plenty of friends who are my support network as such and would step up if I needed them but I’m not sure if this is classed the same as having a family support network.

I’ve been to open days and information events but I’d love to hear about people’s experiences and any advice they would be willing to share so I can be prepared as possible for starting the process as I really want this to go well!

I wouldn't worry too much about the mental health history. Everyone's got a past and the fact you sought help goes in your favour. Just be honest from the beginning.

As for the support network, I think if your mother was abusive its good she's not in your life. And you've got friends in your network. When you register interest they usually ask you to map out your support network so you and they can see who is there to help you if you need it, be it morally or physically.

Hi @candycanesandcrackers

I'm a single adopter. I have a small but supportive family but they lived two hours away so not much use for babysitting etc.
Friends as your support network is fine. I'd suggest running through some scenarios - who could do a pick up from school, who could help out if you were sick and needed some shopping. What would happen if you fell over and broke a leg.
As strong as your support network is, day to day you do just have to crack on as a parent because everyone has their own jobs and kids. But it's good to work through the emergency situations and importantly who is going to give you emotional support.
Be open to new friendships - most adopters will tell you that their support network changes after adoption. Some friends just won't understand and will drift away. I have dozens more friends now- mostly adopters but also other parents of children with ASD.
Its important to think about the age of the child you want to adopt. Child care is cripplingly expensive. A school age child is often more practical for single adopters as it reduces childcare, though you do of course need to think about how you will manage 13 weeks of school holidays.
An older child also means you will know more about their needs, doesn't take away the uncertainty of adoption but does reduce it.
Also think about your job- is your employer family friendly, do you have flexible working, what would happen if you need to go part time. Also what is the adoption leave package - can you afford a year off work.
Lots to think about !

Hi. It sounds like you have struggled with set backs in the past. Trouble is that parenting traumatised children can be very challenging and sws may be concerned about your resilience. What would happen if you can't cope? If you have no support network, what will happen?

Thank you for the replies @Namechangeforme88 @Ted27 @Arran2024 your insights are hugely helpful.

Mapping out a support network/thinking about emergency situations is a good idea, I’m going to give that a go just for my own preparation! My Dad just lives down the road and is very supportive of my plans so I know I’m lucky in that sense.

Thankfully my employer is family friendly- I work for the local authority at the moment (actually in children’s services funnily enough!) which has an excellent family leave policy and encourages flexible working however I’m also a qualified primary school teacher so would probably switch back to this if I were to be successful in adopting which would hopefully help with childcare in the long run I think, particularly in the school holidays (if this was possible of course)

I hear what you are saying about resilience, I’ve done a lot of work particularly in the last few years addressing issues from my own childhood which I believe was the cause of my anxiety and last years depression was related to some specific unprecedented events so I’m hoping this and the fact I’ve worked on addressing things works in my favour but I totally appreciate what you’re saying. I’m 31 so would be happy to give it a few more years to evidence more stability and resilience if needed.

You’ve all given me lots to think about which is great as I want to be prepared as possible when the time comes ☺️

Hi there. The two issues you mentioned—mental health challenges and a lack of family support network—could be significant obstacles in the adoption process. This doesn’t make adoption impossible, but these areas will be heavily scrutinised, and it’s normal to feel a bit judged in the process. The fact that you are a single parent will make these areas even more important. Adoption agencies prioritise resilience in prospective parents because raising children, especially adopted children, can be demanding and requires strong mental well-being.

Regarding the support network, it doesn’t have to be family alone. As long as you can show that you have a support network—whether it’s friends, colleagues, or acquaintances, both near and far—that can provide different types of support, it should be sufficient.

Wishing you the best of luck, and remember to keep realistic expectations, since the adoption process can be very challenging and emotionally draining and doesn’t always turn out the way one wants.

In terms of mental health, think about how you know your mental health is slipping, how do you promote good mental health, how would you know you were in crisis and how able are you to seek help. It’s important to have considered this rather than simply saying “I’m better now” because you need to be able to identify warning signs early. Also think about the impact your mother’s abuse has had on you and the things that you still find difficult. You’ll need to be able to talk about it openly and reflectively because nothing triggers old trauma like parenting a traumatised child.

As a teacher, it does help with holidays, but it can also be quite stressful as there is very little wiggle room- no working from home, late starts or time off in terms unless it is made a big deal. Also, social workers may want you to be settled into a new (or old!) career and job position because transferring is really stressful, and you won't have had time to rack up the benefits or stability that is required. Also, you will need to consider inset days and differing term dates for holiday.

I think your mental health concerns would be dealt with like any other concerns- expect some awkward comments and probing questions. My mental health took an absolute beating when I adopted, and I just didn't think it would be that bad. It was very difficult, because suddenly there was this little person who depended entirely on me, seemed intent on every self destructive behaviour going, wouldn't eat, didn't sleep,that I had said I could handle, but didn't quite realise the impact of doing it 24/7, sleep deprived and not eating properly. You need people around you who can be honest with you and tell you when you aren't ok, and then have a very solid plans about what you could do about it.

I would say that you don't need a huge support network, but as a single adopter, you will need some people who are pretty committed to you and the child or children. You can also count things like children's centres as a really valuable source of support.

To put your mind at rest we have in the last 6 months successfully adopted.

personally I have a chequered history of mental health and have a failed suicide attempt under my belt. My partner has suffered anxiety and depression. Albeit the most recent instances where 5-10 years ago and at a point our lives looked very different to how they do today.

I won’t say they didn’t pour over it I’m stage 2 and at panels, but assuring them we knew our triggers and that our support network(mainly close friends) also knew our triggers reassured them. The ability to reach out and find support from services was also noted as a strength. The children needing family’s are likely to have suffered trauma and will need prospective parents to be able to advocate for them and navigate and challenge services.

Both your mental health and first hand experience of abuse in your past is lived experience and things you could identify and support a little person with with empathy of having been their yourself.

That said you do need to be mentally ready as you will be questioned and challenged around this multiple times by various people, including social workers, medical professionals and panel members. It will also come up again when your dealing with family finders and children’s social workers when they are considering your potential adopter reports.

Unfortunately adoptions do break down and during the process we have been presented first hand with 2 Seperate cases to consider where prospective adopters have not been able to cope and have put the child back with their Forster careers. Won’t go into too much details but both cases where due to mental health issues reprising after placement.

Becoming a new parent although very exciting and rewarding on one hand, is the hardest job I’ve ever had and I’m constantly shattered and feeling without energy and that’s with two of us parenting and the ability to have breaks or time away (even if it’s just a solo shop in Tesco and a coffee with a friend without little one using us a climbing frame). It’s also the most rewarding job to see their little face every morning and when they come to you/ look out for you in a busy room and knowing your their most trusted person in the whole world.