Adopted son. Horrific disabilist/racist language

[scarfonthestairs]

Hi everyone ,.
I have been on here but a good while ago. I'm also typing one handed as holding daughters hand to get her to sleep so apologies for typos.
My lovely boy is 11 years old and has been home since he was two. He has diagnosed fasd,spd and persistent vocal tic. This language is nothing to do with the tic BTW.
He is in main stream high school and academically is doing well.
We're just about keeping ontop I'd behaviour and homework.
He is lovely but often talks to us ina derogatory way like he is far superior. He swears a lot often telling us to fuck off, calling his sister a bitch if she hurts him (he often antagonises her, she is younger than him)
The thing that upsets me the most is the language he uses. He says racist words pi nr and disabilist words mgol and sptic/spz.
I work with special needs children, he jasmine additional needs fgs and he uses these words. We talk about how they are offensive/upsetting but he sees no reason why he shouldn't say them. He replies that when I was younger (over 30 years ago) I said mol. (My dad told him this) I've explained how awful I feel about it.
He is mixed race and so says he is allowed to say n*er. He is not, he knows he's not. He says the p**i shop, takes the mickey out of accents, does a horrible accent saying about curry. Then says I have asian/black friends.
We've ignored him/punished him/shouted at him. I don't know what to do but I don't want this nasty behaviour to be peoples opinion of him because its also becoming mine and I really sont want it to.
Please could you offer some wise words or point me in the right direction.

I know someone whose son behaves like this and they have tried everything- he is 18 now and he still does it.

The big worry for them is that he is also being attracted into right wing groups on social media.

I can only suggest that you see what your local authority offers in terms of support for vulnerable boys. Often they will run activities with youth workers for young people in danger of radicalisation, who talk like this etc.

@scarfonthestairs

Sadly I think this language is more common than we realise amongst young people.
I recently ended a foster placement partly because of the torrent of verbal abuse that I was getting from a 13 year old. Some words I had to look up in a dictionary ! My current foster child also comes out with some choice language when he is disregulated. So I do understand how distressing it is.
I use public transport a lot and sometimes the language from both adults and teens is appalling. Also a lot of TV has normalised things we wouldn't have dreamed of saying. And don't get me started on some music genres.
I think the N word is quite problematic. Some black communities have 'reclaimed' the work and find it acceptable to use amongst themselves.

I had some issues with my own son in his early teens and the message I gave him was that I didn't find certain words acceptable, I was his mother not one of his mates and I wouldn't tolerate it in the house. How he chose to speak to his friends was his business but he had to be respectful in the house. Took over a year to crack it though.
I think you should consider how far his conditions are inhibiting his understanding of how offensive his language is. I'd also look at what music, YouTube etc he is accessing. And I would speak to school. If this language is common in school I'm afraid it's a losing battle.
He is also only 11 and has a lot of growing up to do.
Not sure if any of this is helpful but I think the constant reinforcement of your standards has to be key
@Arran2024 makes a good point- again have a look at what he's up to online if you think this is a possibility

I would agree
look at what he’s exposed to on line and at school- sadly this is not uncommon
also see what is available post adoption support wise

Thank you everyone. I was worried that I'd get blamed for it.
I talk so openly about everyone/religions/races/sexualities that it horrifies me he does this. But yesterday we went into a multicultural city and I realised he actually listens to very little I say. Thinking about your responses though if he has people at school/online constantly saying those things and then me just once or twice he'll listen to them top. I'll ask his school for support as they have been quite good.