How to research what we can "cope" with

[oldnewmummy]

We have one adopted DS (15 months) from Singapore (we live there).

Our social worker mentioned that if we wanted to adopt another they might be able to place a special needs or forcibly taken into care child with us, so I e-mailed to find out how it works etc.

Social worker has just called to find out more about what we might accept e.g. cleft palate, mentally ill parents, parents in prison and what age.

We really want to help, but are wary of taking on a severely disturbed child who will divert too much of our time and energy away from DS. I work 2-3 days per week and that needs to continue too.

There is little pre-adoption prep here and I don't know how much support would be forthcoming later. Can anyone point me to some resources as to how to determine what attachment etc problems are "fixable" relatively easily and which are more serious. I think we do need to be realistic about our capabilities. Obviously no child is perfect but we need to go into this with our eyes open

Thanks

thats a tough one....

I would consider:

1 - age the younger the better, attachement problems are rare in a child under 6 months and generally more mild/fixable in children under 2. Though that does depend on what their care has been like children who have been severaly neglected can develop sever attachement problmes even as young as 6 months. So what kind of care they have been getting may be at least as relevant as age. eg parents in prison may not mean a "special needs" in the ordinary sense of the word if in the meantime the child has been reasonably cared for.

2 - genetics - the reason that people get concerned about paretns with mental health problmes is that there is a high risk of certian mental health problmes being genetic - I beleive that being bipolar has a genetic component.

3 - physical vs mental special needs - this really depends on your own feelings, every person is differnt. I know I felt much more able to deal (and had some experience of dealing with ) a physical need than a mental one - eg I accepted the match with DS assessed with a 20% risk of mild to moderate cerebral palsy, whereas an acquaintance of mine accepted a match with a baby with downs syndrome.

Cleft palate can be mild or not so mild (eg cleft lip but not cleft palate is I beleive much easier to repair and causes fewer feeding issues - not an expert though) and depending on the age of the child if it has not been corrected can result in long term food issues.

People I know who have been matched with children with minor "special needs" have had strabismus (cross eyes - ussually repairable), club foot, webbed feet, minor limb problems, mild Cp.

I'm not sure if that helps but I don;t think you can really know until you are presented with a specific child.

I only ruled out children infected with HIV and hepatitus and known severe physical and mental conditions.

btx DS was 11 months at meeting 14 months coming home.

I'm not sure there are any set resources, sorry.

in the Uk it is not felt to be a good thing to adopt out og brith order (ie a child older than your DS) for many reaons but mostoly in your case I think it would confuse your DS at an age when he probably wuoldn't understand what is going on. Accepting a younger sibling although it can be difficult is something that we are genetically programmed to do. SO I would think you realistically need to be looking at quite a young child depending on how long the process takes in Singapore.

Thanks Kew.

She did ask about adopting one older than DS but I said no.

Apparently the absolute minimum age is likely to be 9 months to a year (and we're looking at November time so DS will be 21 months), but then there's also a risk the birth parents might withdraw their consent etc.

I think you're right. Do some more reading and see what they come up with.

She did say to explore other options as the children might be too old.

I think the truth that you can expect something in the way of an unexpected issue to deal with when a child is adopted (even if just the issues around loss and abandonment)is an important one Maryz, so I think it is quite important to consider that any special need you might take on is going to be in addtion the the unknown one to come.

I also think its easier to discuss with adoptive parents because you are much more used to having to think about these issues quite clinically whereas I think someone who has never had to do it can be quite shocked by the matter of fact tone of the debate.

yes maryz - I was trying to think of a nice way to say that being faced with a "problem" in a child you don't know or love from one you do is, I imagine, very very different.

Maryz - do you get the "isn't he lucky" comment? Does my head in. My standard response is "No he isn't, "lucky" would have been being able to stay with his birth family safely and in comfort". I suspect I will have to find a less aggressive way of saying this as he begins to understand what I'm saying.

btw my neice is high functioning aspergers and starngely she too fits in nicely to our dysfunctional family!

se's 19 now and has defintiely improved with age - I would say very few people would think she has Asperger, would think she was socially a little awkward at times. She tends to date quite geeky boys and took a few attempts to pass her dirving test wich my brother is determined is due to the aspergers and I think was lack of confidence. Overall she's a lovely girl and hopes to go into photograpy professionally..

Thanks for your inputs.

Not sure how fostering works here, tbh, but don't know if I could cope with giving a child back. One of the issues the social worker raised was that the birth parents may not have given or may withdraw consent so there's a chance the adoption might not go through.

I was looking at my son yesterday and he's such a happy little boy. It'd be lovely we could give another child, who might otherwise be left in care, the chance of a happy life. I mean I know it's not supposed to be charity etc, but we wantn a child, so why not give a needy child a chance.

But we DO need to be careful of biting off more than we can chew.

The attachment stuff is worrying me more than "physical" issues as the extent can be assessed more easily.

Those of you adopted from orphanages, how difficult was it to deal with "institutional" problems?

I first met DS at 11 monts and took full time custody at 13 monts. In the intervening 2 monts I visited im everyday. I would say bonding was slow but fairly normal - e doesn;t display any obvious signs of attacement problems toug tb 2yrs may be too young to tell.

The UK preparation courses for overseas adoption tell you that children adopted under two wo haven't been terribly neglected (ie in a really bad institution) are far less likely to suffer from severe attachment issues.

Tere are some tell tale signs of early attacement problems - child will attach far too easily to strangers (DS screamed the place down at our first meeting so not a problem there!), reluctance to make eye contact with known carers (perfectly normal to avoid eye contact with strangers). If I think of any more I'll let you know.

If you are tinking of getting a cild from an institution, then if possible can you visit one? What is the carer/child ratio? Does it seem like a reasonable place. DS's baby-home was lovely (as institutions go) and te cildren were well cared from with a ratio of 1:6 which is considerd quite good.

Hi - I don't really have anything to add other than my good wishes. We adopted a 2.8 year old girl last year, with health problems but who had been in an extremely loving and stable (if indulgent!) foster placement since she was 6 months. She had also spent much of her early life in Great Ormond Street hospital, so was well cared for
but, I suppose, could have suffered what any child in institutional care might.

She bonded remarkably quickly and well with us, she is nervous and wary of new situations and people but quickly overcomes that when she has observed them for a while.

I think the quality of early care is as important as the exact number of months/years pre-adoption but, obviously, the younger the better.

I send you all best wishes and good luck.
I have a 16 year old I adopted at 3 months from South America. Nothing was known about attachment theory then, or if it was it was amongst a group of academics and it seems it was not considered worth alerting adoptive parents to it.
The fixed notions that certain children of certain circumstances will suffer more or less than others seems to only represent the majority and not generally take into account the personality the child was born with.
After 16 years I feel like dismissing the nature/nurture debate and declaring 'It's ALL nature!'
You are wise to be aware to the unknown difficulties and of course this comes with birth children too. But there are specific behaviours that seem to crop up and the nature of the child will help determine how badly they suffer.
My dd is pretty text book stuff with added willfulness as she is the most stubborn, willful, obstinate child on the planet. Imagine that added to the overriding sense of hurt, abandonment and unfairness she experiences and you have the hellish nightmare that her teenage years have become.

We do this with all good intentions and I wish that I had been aware of the possibility of these issues arising.
At least you have the knowledge - there is a lot of info out there about Attachment Disorders. But even I would say that it's not a reason not to do it but knowing what may lie ahead will really really help you.

"The fixed notions that certain children of certain circumstances will suffer more or less than others" - this is really only applicable to something like attachment problmes - it is undoubtedly true that predominantly younger cildrne tend not to suffer so badly.

What you seem to be describing is dealing wit loss and abandmoent feelings. I don;t tink tere is any way of predicting which child is more or less prone and can be as muc of a problem wit a baby adopted at brit as an older cild adoption.

I feel for you, in our prep course they did say that the teenage years can be a hair-raising!

Thank you maryz and of course you are right.
Life is complex and we are always seeking out ways of explaining, hence the extraordinary amount of diagnosable disorders that as you say, 40 years ago were not named.
Of course some kids are susceptible to problems and you and I seem to have ones that are but I'm glad you also have one that isn't.

We try always to be at least good enough. And yes I am sad that my dd is approaching adulthood in such a confused, angry and hurt way but won't let anyone help her.